I am very happy with A's preschool/daycare program. She is well cared for, happy, and seems to be learning a ton. The past few days, though, there have been a few things that have made my heart begin to hurt for her, as I am looking down the pike at what she will have to face. Last night we were sitting at dinner and she took her hands and pulled her eyes into pretty dramatic slants and said "chneese". She has never done this before and I know has not been exposed to this when I have been around, but can only assume she heard it at school. She had no clue that it was something derogatory towards her, and most likely wasn't even done in a (knowingly) derogatory way. But it caught me off guard. It made me think about several other things she had been talking about in previous days. There has been a lot of talk about "two mommies" one being "the white one". And then yesterday a mention of "the yellow one". I talk openly about her adoption and China, but so far most seems to go right over her head. Is this the beginning of her trying to understand, or is this something potentially mean she is hearing at school?
And then today when I dropped her off, one of the little boys offers that he and his mommy were talking about us in their car yesterday. I asked him what they were saying and he said "that A doesn't talk very well". Ouch! Again, was caught off guard by this. A is a pretty social kid who seems to get along well with her peers. I don't think anyone has been making fun of her at this point, but I am seeing how they are starting to notice the ways she is different. Luckily she is in a center that is pretty diverse (several other Asian children along with kids from India, and many European countries), so I am hoping that it is more a mere noticing, than anything else. I imagine it is only a matter of time before her cleft scar/uneven lips get pointed out. Knowing that my joyful little girl will have to experience the pain associated with being different is so painful to consider. I come from a family and circle that really values differences, but am realistic to know that the larger world is often not that way.
A's speech is still pretty delayed. Talking to her sometimes feels a bit like talking to someone with Dementia. Often I will ask A questions and she answers in a way that "could" make sense with a stretch of the imagination, and other times it is clear that she is just using one of her default answers and hoping she gets it right. Her receptive language has been tested as significantly better than her expressive, so it is often very hard to know what she gets and what she doesn't. I look at some of the issues which are emerging and wonder how to best approach knowing she may or may not even be "getting" what is going on, and what I am saying to her. What I know for sure is that she doesn't have the vocabulary to tell me what is on her mind. I don't want to make a big deal out of something that may be totally lost on her, but I don't want to miss important teaching moments. It is hard to know there will be many things in life that chip away at her self esteem and I wish I could protect her from that. In the meantime, I made her teachers aware of what I am noticing and hope they, too, can find teachable moments when things are happening between the kids.
Being a mom is not for sissys, that I know for sure!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Snacking
Last month we we spent a long weekend with my parents. It was a great visit. During the weekend there was a family gathering with all my cousins and their kids. While A was playing with some of the cousins of her generation, I was sitting around talking with the cousins of mine. I am one of the youngest of the group and the last to have a child. During the conversation, I was very aware of trying really hard to listen and participate, while I also kept an eye on A who was running around my parent's not very childproofed house. I felt guilty for not fully listening, and started to apologize for what was probably noticeable distractability. Midway through my apology, though, I started to laugh. I stopped and said that I was in no way going to apologize for not fully listening, as this is what I have had to deal with with them for the past 20 years. They cracked up and stated that they had wondered why I was apologizing, as they all just expect that nobody gives them their full attention after all of these years. I guess I am now a member of the the ADD club.
I don't get out alone with adults very much these days. I am not really so bothered by it, as I am content hanging with A and doing more family typed activities most of the time. I had many years to do what I wanted, and for the most part find being a mom more joyful and fulfilling. However, what I miss is deeper connections with people. I do get to see my friends, but when kids are involved neither adult is fully present in the conversation. I knew it was coming, as I watched in and experienced it with friends over the years, but now I am really feeling that loss. I feel like I get lots of yummy snack foods, but never a full meal. I love to snack, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the only thing that satisfies is a "real meal".
Since I tend to be housebound during nap time and most evenings when A is in bed, I find the Internet is my source of connecting. The phone works, too, but with the Internet one doesn't need to worry about getting the timing of connection in sync with the other. It is always there. During the long waiting for the adoption, blogging and y*hoo groups were a great way to connect with others in the community. I made some great connections, learned a lot, and "discussed" matters of importance to myself and others. As many of us have come home with kids and the popularity of FB moved into our generation, things started to change. Less people blog about anything of great depth. Many people don't have the time or inclination to know each other in that way. FB allows for quick easy contact, but for me is missing the depth. It is fun. I love the humor and snark that comes up, but I am missing the deeper. Again, it feels like snacking, but after the crash of the sugar buzz wears off, I am yearning for more. It has been so easy for me to get hooked by the ease of the connections/re-connections on FB, but at the end of the day I realize that it is mostly only satisfying for the short term.
I know that this is a phase of life that goes with having small children. I do find time to get together for breakfast with friends from time to time, after I drop A off at daycare. I am learning that an AM cup of coffee instead of a PM glass of wine still can lend to fulfilling contact. I guess I am still just trying to find my way in this area.
I don't get out alone with adults very much these days. I am not really so bothered by it, as I am content hanging with A and doing more family typed activities most of the time. I had many years to do what I wanted, and for the most part find being a mom more joyful and fulfilling. However, what I miss is deeper connections with people. I do get to see my friends, but when kids are involved neither adult is fully present in the conversation. I knew it was coming, as I watched in and experienced it with friends over the years, but now I am really feeling that loss. I feel like I get lots of yummy snack foods, but never a full meal. I love to snack, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the only thing that satisfies is a "real meal".
Since I tend to be housebound during nap time and most evenings when A is in bed, I find the Internet is my source of connecting. The phone works, too, but with the Internet one doesn't need to worry about getting the timing of connection in sync with the other. It is always there. During the long waiting for the adoption, blogging and y*hoo groups were a great way to connect with others in the community. I made some great connections, learned a lot, and "discussed" matters of importance to myself and others. As many of us have come home with kids and the popularity of FB moved into our generation, things started to change. Less people blog about anything of great depth. Many people don't have the time or inclination to know each other in that way. FB allows for quick easy contact, but for me is missing the depth. It is fun. I love the humor and snark that comes up, but I am missing the deeper. Again, it feels like snacking, but after the crash of the sugar buzz wears off, I am yearning for more. It has been so easy for me to get hooked by the ease of the connections/re-connections on FB, but at the end of the day I realize that it is mostly only satisfying for the short term.
I know that this is a phase of life that goes with having small children. I do find time to get together for breakfast with friends from time to time, after I drop A off at daycare. I am learning that an AM cup of coffee instead of a PM glass of wine still can lend to fulfilling contact. I guess I am still just trying to find my way in this area.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Mama said there'd be days (weeks) like this
It's been a long couple of weeks. There have been some stressful things going on in my family, in my professional life and with a few close friends. I'm spent! As if I weren't already just plain tired all of the time, the past few days I have fallen into bed exhausted at the end of the day, only to wake up a bunch from my very active dream life. Last night, as I was feeling some relief with a few of the things going on, I had a squirrel trying to eat through the plastic side thingy of my window AC unit in my bedroom. The same thing happened last year (on the other side) and I discovered it as I woke up to see a little nose and whiskers poking through the newly chewed holes. What I found then is that one pound on the AC unit scare the annoying guy off for days. This recent one, not so much. All night long I would wake up the the gnawing sounds of him eating away at the plastic. I would pound and he would leave for a second and come right back. After a while he didn't even leave when I would pound. Around 3 am I finally got wise and went to get my emergency flashlight. Each time I heard him I shined the light on the window until he left. This went on 3 or 4 times until he finally left me alone. I slept with the flashlight and never really went into a deep sleep out of fear I would wake to a smart ass squirrel running around my room. So far he has not been around today. Let's hope he will be bothering someone else tonight.
Around A's 3rd b-day in May we started actively potty training. She sat for many months before that, but was not ready to do anything more. Around 3 she got into it. The way it initially worked was she got and m&m for each time she peed in the potty. Somewhere along the way it changed to 2 smarties for peeing and the smarties plus an m&m for a poop. Basically, I was getting tired of the chocolate drool spots on my furniture and stains on her shirt. This was pretty effective and got us about 80% there during the days. I will not even attempt nap or nighttime until much later. What I found is that A wouldn't always remember to ask for the candy for peeing. Probably because after the first few weeks she stopped getting them at school. As many people have shared, potty training is really stressful. For me, the unpredictability of A's need to potty and the lack of control over how much she buys in (or not) were the hardest parts. She has a pattern of peeing a little bit, very frequently in the mornings and the afternoons are hit or miss. My putting her on the potty before I get in the shower doesn't ensure that she will not show up midway through patting her bottom telling me she has to go. Or worse, just pee on whatever chair she is sitting on. Then there is the car ride to school. She pees before we leave, but every now and then, she either lets me know that she has to go and we make an "emergency stop", and a few times has just gone in her carseat. What I am trying to say is that I find there to be an chronic low level of stress that is always present due to never knowing if this is will be the time that she just doesn't care or ignores the signals due to whatever else she is doing, or will let me know. On weekends I sometimes put her in a pull up when we go out, so I can actually enjoy myself and not be soooo worried about these accidents. Often she will stay dry, but sometimes not. I'm sure I am working against myself by doing this, but I figure it is better than the funny farm.
A few weeks back we had a particularly bad spell of about one accident a day. I was getting so frustrated and discouraged because all the things I had been recommended to do weren't working. My girl LOVES to clean up her clothes and the floor, so having to clean the mess certainly didn't detour her. The candy reinforcers seem to mean nothing at this point. My kid who cant tolerate a crumb on her finger during a meal, doesn't seem to mind being wet. I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to get over this final hump. Then it came to me that I needed to start reinforcing "being dry" and not "going on the potty". I implemented a sticker program/chart where twice a day she would get a sticker if she had been dry the whole time. When she got to 10 stickers we went out for ice cream. She LOVES ice cream cones. It worked pretty well the first time through. I decided after the first ice cream I would up the ante to 15 stickers. She is still having some bad days, but it certainly broke the cycle. She made it to 15 2 days ago. Right after I we had the whole sticker ritual she peed in her pants (while standing 2 inches away from the potty playing in the sink). I took the sticker away, which I probably shouldn't have done, but I was soooo frustrated. Yesterday was her chance to try it again and she had an accident in the morning. I was so sure she would do it I had it all planned out after I picked her up. I was bummed for both of us that we didn't get to go. But, last night she got it done so we finally made our plan for today.
It is disgustingly hot here today with humidity that is beyond uncomfortable. After her nap, I took A to the DQ for her cone. I had never been to this one with her, but what I quickly discovered was that there was no place to sit. We sat on a little ledge and ate our ice cream cones, which quickly melted in the heat. Midway though A volunteers the has to go pee pee. You guessed it, there was no public restroom to use. Not knowing what to do, I take her and our two melting cones to the back of the building, strip her down and show her how to squat in the parking lot. Ice cream is dripping everywhere as I also realized that my strategy wasn't so great because her pee ran down all over her shoes and mine. Of course there was a lot of people traffic walking by on their way in the shop. I tried to hide, which was pointless because A kept yelling "Pee Pee" and pointing as each person walked by. She was so proud and I was mortified. As I stood up I banged my head on some box sticking out of the building and have a nice lump on the top of my head. I was so hot, sticky with ice cream and multiple other things that I didn't even care. A finished her cone, I used about 40 wipes to clean us off and we got back in the car to go home.
Not so lucky to be able to end the story there. My kid decides she needed to go again midway home where there was no place good to stop. I pulled into the back a parking lot of a swim club and figured we would just have to do it again. Much better that there was grass, a big tree to hide behind and no ice cream to contend with. I positioned her much better this time as I held her over the grass. What I didn't quite calculate was the angle of where I was in the lot with her a bit above me on the grass. One would think that the pee would shoot down, right? No, not this time. Shot straight out at me and all over her underwear. Again, she thought this was hilarious. She was wearing a dress so I just took off the undies and let her ride home bare bottomed. I am so glad to not have to leave my house again today. Tomorrow she will be wearing pull ups for our adventure to legoland with a college friend and her family.
On a more serious note, please put good thoughts out to the universe for my brother and his family. My SIL had an emergency c-section on Thurs. and delivered my new nephew over 2 months early. He is doing as well as to be expected, but is very tiny (3.75 lbs) and has a long road ahead. My SIL was pre-eclampsic and they still can't get her BP under control. Life is fragile, so while I am totally bothered by todays potty drama and some disrupted sleep, it means really nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Around A's 3rd b-day in May we started actively potty training. She sat for many months before that, but was not ready to do anything more. Around 3 she got into it. The way it initially worked was she got and m&m for each time she peed in the potty. Somewhere along the way it changed to 2 smarties for peeing and the smarties plus an m&m for a poop. Basically, I was getting tired of the chocolate drool spots on my furniture and stains on her shirt. This was pretty effective and got us about 80% there during the days. I will not even attempt nap or nighttime until much later. What I found is that A wouldn't always remember to ask for the candy for peeing. Probably because after the first few weeks she stopped getting them at school. As many people have shared, potty training is really stressful. For me, the unpredictability of A's need to potty and the lack of control over how much she buys in (or not) were the hardest parts. She has a pattern of peeing a little bit, very frequently in the mornings and the afternoons are hit or miss. My putting her on the potty before I get in the shower doesn't ensure that she will not show up midway through patting her bottom telling me she has to go. Or worse, just pee on whatever chair she is sitting on. Then there is the car ride to school. She pees before we leave, but every now and then, she either lets me know that she has to go and we make an "emergency stop", and a few times has just gone in her carseat. What I am trying to say is that I find there to be an chronic low level of stress that is always present due to never knowing if this is will be the time that she just doesn't care or ignores the signals due to whatever else she is doing, or will let me know. On weekends I sometimes put her in a pull up when we go out, so I can actually enjoy myself and not be soooo worried about these accidents. Often she will stay dry, but sometimes not. I'm sure I am working against myself by doing this, but I figure it is better than the funny farm.
A few weeks back we had a particularly bad spell of about one accident a day. I was getting so frustrated and discouraged because all the things I had been recommended to do weren't working. My girl LOVES to clean up her clothes and the floor, so having to clean the mess certainly didn't detour her. The candy reinforcers seem to mean nothing at this point. My kid who cant tolerate a crumb on her finger during a meal, doesn't seem to mind being wet. I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to get over this final hump. Then it came to me that I needed to start reinforcing "being dry" and not "going on the potty". I implemented a sticker program/chart where twice a day she would get a sticker if she had been dry the whole time. When she got to 10 stickers we went out for ice cream. She LOVES ice cream cones. It worked pretty well the first time through. I decided after the first ice cream I would up the ante to 15 stickers. She is still having some bad days, but it certainly broke the cycle. She made it to 15 2 days ago. Right after I we had the whole sticker ritual she peed in her pants (while standing 2 inches away from the potty playing in the sink). I took the sticker away, which I probably shouldn't have done, but I was soooo frustrated. Yesterday was her chance to try it again and she had an accident in the morning. I was so sure she would do it I had it all planned out after I picked her up. I was bummed for both of us that we didn't get to go. But, last night she got it done so we finally made our plan for today.
It is disgustingly hot here today with humidity that is beyond uncomfortable. After her nap, I took A to the DQ for her cone. I had never been to this one with her, but what I quickly discovered was that there was no place to sit. We sat on a little ledge and ate our ice cream cones, which quickly melted in the heat. Midway though A volunteers the has to go pee pee. You guessed it, there was no public restroom to use. Not knowing what to do, I take her and our two melting cones to the back of the building, strip her down and show her how to squat in the parking lot. Ice cream is dripping everywhere as I also realized that my strategy wasn't so great because her pee ran down all over her shoes and mine. Of course there was a lot of people traffic walking by on their way in the shop. I tried to hide, which was pointless because A kept yelling "Pee Pee" and pointing as each person walked by. She was so proud and I was mortified. As I stood up I banged my head on some box sticking out of the building and have a nice lump on the top of my head. I was so hot, sticky with ice cream and multiple other things that I didn't even care. A finished her cone, I used about 40 wipes to clean us off and we got back in the car to go home.
Not so lucky to be able to end the story there. My kid decides she needed to go again midway home where there was no place good to stop. I pulled into the back a parking lot of a swim club and figured we would just have to do it again. Much better that there was grass, a big tree to hide behind and no ice cream to contend with. I positioned her much better this time as I held her over the grass. What I didn't quite calculate was the angle of where I was in the lot with her a bit above me on the grass. One would think that the pee would shoot down, right? No, not this time. Shot straight out at me and all over her underwear. Again, she thought this was hilarious. She was wearing a dress so I just took off the undies and let her ride home bare bottomed. I am so glad to not have to leave my house again today. Tomorrow she will be wearing pull ups for our adventure to legoland with a college friend and her family.
On a more serious note, please put good thoughts out to the universe for my brother and his family. My SIL had an emergency c-section on Thurs. and delivered my new nephew over 2 months early. He is doing as well as to be expected, but is very tiny (3.75 lbs) and has a long road ahead. My SIL was pre-eclampsic and they still can't get her BP under control. Life is fragile, so while I am totally bothered by todays potty drama and some disrupted sleep, it means really nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Little eyes are always watching
One of the things I am learning about my daughter is how observant she is. I have no idea if this is a result of orphanage life, or if this is just her innate nature. My guess is that it results from a combination of the two. As I have talked about before, A's speech is really delayed. It is very frustrating, at times, to see a three year old, yet not be able to verbally communicate with one another very easily. She is quite effective in getting her needs met, but it is, more often than not, through nonverbal means. What I am also observing is that A seems to learn best visually, rather than through listening. I don't know if this will change as she gets more comfortable and proficient with language, or if this will always be her learning style. It keeps me on my toes, as my style is to be much more verbal. It's not that she isn't understanding, as her receptive language is much more on track than her expressive. It's more that I find myself stunned with the things she knows through observation, yet the repetition of verbal things seem to take forever to sink in. Sometimes she just seems to tune out, when I know her hearing is fine. I believe some of this IS related to being delayed with language, but not all of it.
As I have said, I find myself surprised with the things A knows. We were at the grocery store and she pointed to the deodorant and lifted her arm pretending to put it on. I'm wasn't even aware she has paid attention to my doing this. Over the weekend we were visiting my folks. My mom was getting ready for a party and windexed a glass table. A made it clear to her that she forgot to wipe the bottom of the glass, and not just the top. Again, I'm not even fully conscious of doing this, yet she knows that this is the way I do it. Of course, it was a little horrifying to hear her yell "coooommmmmeee on" and shake her arm in the air when the traffic light turned green and the car in front of us didn't go right away. She did this appropriately, and not just randomly. I could do without that little mirror of my impatient side, LOL. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Maybe this is all 3 year olds and I'm overly impressed for nothing. But the fact that I can rely on so little verbally from her, it catches me off guard (in an impressed way) when these things come out, as I just don't always know how much she is observing/learning.
I will save the bulk of this thought for another post, but it resonates so much with things I have been pondering about how to raise a child who is comfortable with the quiet. Our culture is so busy and so distracted all of the time. We have so many gadgets and things to absorb our focus and take us away from our selves. I find myself having to work hard to be present and in the moment, at times. I see so many people driving around with their DVD players on for their kids in the backseat. I do this for long road trips, but that is it. I notice how much my daughter looks out the window and notices every little thing from a plane in the sky to the mailboxes we pass. She almost always spots things well before I do. I can almost see her soaking up her world as we drive. I hope she always goes through life taking it all in, rather than the tunnel vision of distraction. I hope that her preference for learning through watching, will somehow help her choose to stay grounded in the present. While I, too, am very observant, I feel she is also teaching me so many important things.
As I have said, I find myself surprised with the things A knows. We were at the grocery store and she pointed to the deodorant and lifted her arm pretending to put it on. I'm wasn't even aware she has paid attention to my doing this. Over the weekend we were visiting my folks. My mom was getting ready for a party and windexed a glass table. A made it clear to her that she forgot to wipe the bottom of the glass, and not just the top. Again, I'm not even fully conscious of doing this, yet she knows that this is the way I do it. Of course, it was a little horrifying to hear her yell "coooommmmmeee on" and shake her arm in the air when the traffic light turned green and the car in front of us didn't go right away. She did this appropriately, and not just randomly. I could do without that little mirror of my impatient side, LOL. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Maybe this is all 3 year olds and I'm overly impressed for nothing. But the fact that I can rely on so little verbally from her, it catches me off guard (in an impressed way) when these things come out, as I just don't always know how much she is observing/learning.
I will save the bulk of this thought for another post, but it resonates so much with things I have been pondering about how to raise a child who is comfortable with the quiet. Our culture is so busy and so distracted all of the time. We have so many gadgets and things to absorb our focus and take us away from our selves. I find myself having to work hard to be present and in the moment, at times. I see so many people driving around with their DVD players on for their kids in the backseat. I do this for long road trips, but that is it. I notice how much my daughter looks out the window and notices every little thing from a plane in the sky to the mailboxes we pass. She almost always spots things well before I do. I can almost see her soaking up her world as we drive. I hope she always goes through life taking it all in, rather than the tunnel vision of distraction. I hope that her preference for learning through watching, will somehow help her choose to stay grounded in the present. While I, too, am very observant, I feel she is also teaching me so many important things.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Mommy guilt
I know most moms have a bit of mommy guilt, as I have heard people talking about it for years. I also observe it in those parents who are busy judging other parents for things that they don't do perfectly, as I really believe critical people generally feel pretty inadequate themselves. I am truly a believe in being a "good enough" parent, as none of us is perfect, and this is way to complex of a task to fully master without fault. Yet even with this concept in mind, I still feel the nagging call of the mommy guilt on almost a daily basis.
As I talked about in my last post, I am trying really hard to think about the messages I send my daughter about her actions and attitudes. However, there are just some days that I find myself just reacting and not caring. These days are sure to bring on a case of the mommy guilts. A is very strong willed, but she doesn't act up very often. I know I am lucky in that. When she does have a tantrum or misbehave, she generally does well with time outs and redirection. Over the past few months, however, she has been testing the limits a bit more and pushing back. There are some days that I get locked in and want to win at all costs. I admit it, I can go there. Looking back on our worst moments, I would say that 75% of them are escalated by me. Aren't I supposed to be the one diffusing???? Sometimes when A gets nervous (when I get angry with her) she laughs and in the moment that drives me crazy. In the moment all I want her to do is listen and "get it", yet she looks away and laughs. Hard for me to remember that that laughing IS her getting it, but sometimes when it is happening I am just not sure. Immediately when it is over I feel tremendous guilt. I could have handled things differently. I didn't need to be reactive and / or raise my voice. I am "supposed to be" calm and unemotional when I tell her to take her time out. Blah, blah, blah. The whole things usually last no more than 10-15 minutes start to finish, and we end up loving on each other as usual. But I walk away swearing that next time I will remember that there are different ways of "winning" and there are alternative routes to take.
I am also feeling a bit guilty about my girl not having a daddy. I do not regret for a second going ahead with this adoption on my own, but I find that it would be nice for her to have someone with opposite strengths be available for her where I fall short. I have no delusion about being a superwoman. I do a lot for A and provide a pretty balanced life, but there are many areas where I am lacking and she misses out. I see my friends husbands do things with there kids (and A when we are over) that would just never occur to me to do, or are things I am just not able to do. There are also tasks that I have to do around the house (which I hate) that would be great to allow her to participate in. But sometimes when I am feeling the burden of doing it all myself, that last thing I want is a little helper underfoot. I know she would enjoy helping, but I find myself too testy, or incompetent at the task at hand, to be patient. Again, the mommy guilt comes once I have finished the task and think about the little ways I could have involved her that would have made her happy. But sometimes I just need to get the darn tasks done and am too tired to think creatively. In addition to the obvious stuff that a daddy could provide, I feel that having a partner would lighten my load and allow for a little more playfulness with certain chores. I'm certain there are many of you with husband who may disagree, LOL.
I know neither of these issues are earth shattering and that for the most part things go well. A continues to appear confident and well adjusted, so I try not to take it to heart too much of the time. But there are those moments when she is sleeping peacefully, or I have dropped her at daycare for the day, when I think to myself "tomorrow I will be a better mom." I intellectually know I am in good company with this thought, but sometimes it helps to know it's true.
As I talked about in my last post, I am trying really hard to think about the messages I send my daughter about her actions and attitudes. However, there are just some days that I find myself just reacting and not caring. These days are sure to bring on a case of the mommy guilts. A is very strong willed, but she doesn't act up very often. I know I am lucky in that. When she does have a tantrum or misbehave, she generally does well with time outs and redirection. Over the past few months, however, she has been testing the limits a bit more and pushing back. There are some days that I get locked in and want to win at all costs. I admit it, I can go there. Looking back on our worst moments, I would say that 75% of them are escalated by me. Aren't I supposed to be the one diffusing???? Sometimes when A gets nervous (when I get angry with her) she laughs and in the moment that drives me crazy. In the moment all I want her to do is listen and "get it", yet she looks away and laughs. Hard for me to remember that that laughing IS her getting it, but sometimes when it is happening I am just not sure. Immediately when it is over I feel tremendous guilt. I could have handled things differently. I didn't need to be reactive and / or raise my voice. I am "supposed to be" calm and unemotional when I tell her to take her time out. Blah, blah, blah. The whole things usually last no more than 10-15 minutes start to finish, and we end up loving on each other as usual. But I walk away swearing that next time I will remember that there are different ways of "winning" and there are alternative routes to take.
I am also feeling a bit guilty about my girl not having a daddy. I do not regret for a second going ahead with this adoption on my own, but I find that it would be nice for her to have someone with opposite strengths be available for her where I fall short. I have no delusion about being a superwoman. I do a lot for A and provide a pretty balanced life, but there are many areas where I am lacking and she misses out. I see my friends husbands do things with there kids (and A when we are over) that would just never occur to me to do, or are things I am just not able to do. There are also tasks that I have to do around the house (which I hate) that would be great to allow her to participate in. But sometimes when I am feeling the burden of doing it all myself, that last thing I want is a little helper underfoot. I know she would enjoy helping, but I find myself too testy, or incompetent at the task at hand, to be patient. Again, the mommy guilt comes once I have finished the task and think about the little ways I could have involved her that would have made her happy. But sometimes I just need to get the darn tasks done and am too tired to think creatively. In addition to the obvious stuff that a daddy could provide, I feel that having a partner would lighten my load and allow for a little more playfulness with certain chores. I'm certain there are many of you with husband who may disagree, LOL.
I know neither of these issues are earth shattering and that for the most part things go well. A continues to appear confident and well adjusted, so I try not to take it to heart too much of the time. But there are those moments when she is sleeping peacefully, or I have dropped her at daycare for the day, when I think to myself "tomorrow I will be a better mom." I intellectually know I am in good company with this thought, but sometimes it helps to know it's true.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Parenting with the Shadow
In my professional life as a Therapist I spend a lot of time thinking about "the Shadow". For those of you not familiar with it, the concept came out of the work of Carl Jung. Basically, it is the not so attractive part of us. It is the part that we try to disown or distance from, in order to feel ok. Probably a bit more complicated than that, but this is the part that relates to the deep tangents going on in my head today.
In order to feel whole, I believe that we have to be able to embrace BOTH our shadow and light (the "acceptable" stuff) parts of ourselves. As human beings, we are all comprised of both positive /(over) developed parts and negative / underdeveloped parts. From a very young age we learn that the positive, appealing, attractive and socially acceptable parts parts are "good" and the negative stuff is "bad". Most of us want to be accepted and liked by others - starting with our parents- so we quickly learn which face to show and what parts of ourselves to hide. Eventually, most of us perfect this and disown those shadow parts. The problem is, deep down in we know those shadow parts are there, even when we try to pretend and convince ourselves they are not. With this comes shame - behind the mask we worry that we are really not ok or lovable.
A lot of my work as a therapist is in helping people deal with that shame. People have all kinds of strategies they employ to distance from the shame of that shadow. Some of those strategies look good (overachievement, in particular) and others are clearly not (addictions). But at the end of the day, most of these people want to be loved and accepted, and have a core belief that their "flaws" keep them from getting what they want. In my opinion, the solution is in embracing that part of them that they pretend/wish was not there, rather than figuring out how to get rid of it forever. The wholeness comes from seeing who you fully are, accepting the positive and negative, and letting go of the fallacy that were are not supposed to have or feel anything negative.
As a parent I (painfully) accept that there are ways I will inadvertently hurt my daughter, since I am not a perfect, all-knowing, human being. With that said, I strive to think about the ways I can give my daughter a positive sense of herself and come through her childhood with the least wounding possible. I am totally against the "all kids get a trophy" mentality, as I believe that important lessons are learned by learning to deal with disappointment and learning that you are not the best (nor need you be) at everything. Natural consequences and being able to look into a real life mirror are crucial, in my opinion, to REALLY seeing oneself. The way the adults in that child's life respond to this image has a huge impact. For me, my responses in the big situations feel fairly clear. It's the day-to-day small stuff that cause me to struggle.
I look at my little girl and see the freedom in which she expresses her joy and enthusiasm. I also see how important it is for her to please me. At 3 years old, I see how quickly she morphs if she senses my disappointment or disapproval. I'm sure that happens over and over again, all day long, at school and at home. I give her time outs when she doesn't listen. I sometimes raise my voice if she is displeasing me. While I cannot control the aspects of her self esteem that come with her history of abandonment and institutional care, I do feel a sense of responsibility for the rest. I am watching as the "good self" starts to emerge, and the less accepted parts start to hide. I am already contributing to her sense what is ok....or is it what makes her ok? Sure I tell her it is her behaviors, and not her, that I am angry with, but what concerns me is a bit bigger than that. How do I raise a happy, healthy, contributing member of society AND help her feel whole with both her positive and negative traits. How do I teach her that all the good things that get her praised are just as much a part of her as the impulse to be selfish, needy, and angry. That being selfish is no less human than being generous, and that most of us have both parts? How do I teach her that it is important to control certain impulses, yet she is not "bad" for having the impulse or desire? I want her to "do the right thing", but not have to pretend that the she is not someone who would ever be capable of the wrong thing. I want to have a well behaved kid, but I don't want her to grow up with the sense of shame that most people I know have for their "less attractive" human parts.
Aren't you glad you checked in today? Maybe some lighter tangents will be on he horizon in the near future. Will be curious about your thoughts. Am hoping that this one makes sense outside of my head.
In order to feel whole, I believe that we have to be able to embrace BOTH our shadow and light (the "acceptable" stuff) parts of ourselves. As human beings, we are all comprised of both positive /(over) developed parts and negative / underdeveloped parts. From a very young age we learn that the positive, appealing, attractive and socially acceptable parts parts are "good" and the negative stuff is "bad". Most of us want to be accepted and liked by others - starting with our parents- so we quickly learn which face to show and what parts of ourselves to hide. Eventually, most of us perfect this and disown those shadow parts. The problem is, deep down in we know those shadow parts are there, even when we try to pretend and convince ourselves they are not. With this comes shame - behind the mask we worry that we are really not ok or lovable.
A lot of my work as a therapist is in helping people deal with that shame. People have all kinds of strategies they employ to distance from the shame of that shadow. Some of those strategies look good (overachievement, in particular) and others are clearly not (addictions). But at the end of the day, most of these people want to be loved and accepted, and have a core belief that their "flaws" keep them from getting what they want. In my opinion, the solution is in embracing that part of them that they pretend/wish was not there, rather than figuring out how to get rid of it forever. The wholeness comes from seeing who you fully are, accepting the positive and negative, and letting go of the fallacy that were are not supposed to have or feel anything negative.
As a parent I (painfully) accept that there are ways I will inadvertently hurt my daughter, since I am not a perfect, all-knowing, human being. With that said, I strive to think about the ways I can give my daughter a positive sense of herself and come through her childhood with the least wounding possible. I am totally against the "all kids get a trophy" mentality, as I believe that important lessons are learned by learning to deal with disappointment and learning that you are not the best (nor need you be) at everything. Natural consequences and being able to look into a real life mirror are crucial, in my opinion, to REALLY seeing oneself. The way the adults in that child's life respond to this image has a huge impact. For me, my responses in the big situations feel fairly clear. It's the day-to-day small stuff that cause me to struggle.
I look at my little girl and see the freedom in which she expresses her joy and enthusiasm. I also see how important it is for her to please me. At 3 years old, I see how quickly she morphs if she senses my disappointment or disapproval. I'm sure that happens over and over again, all day long, at school and at home. I give her time outs when she doesn't listen. I sometimes raise my voice if she is displeasing me. While I cannot control the aspects of her self esteem that come with her history of abandonment and institutional care, I do feel a sense of responsibility for the rest. I am watching as the "good self" starts to emerge, and the less accepted parts start to hide. I am already contributing to her sense what is ok....or is it what makes her ok? Sure I tell her it is her behaviors, and not her, that I am angry with, but what concerns me is a bit bigger than that. How do I raise a happy, healthy, contributing member of society AND help her feel whole with both her positive and negative traits. How do I teach her that all the good things that get her praised are just as much a part of her as the impulse to be selfish, needy, and angry. That being selfish is no less human than being generous, and that most of us have both parts? How do I teach her that it is important to control certain impulses, yet she is not "bad" for having the impulse or desire? I want her to "do the right thing", but not have to pretend that the she is not someone who would ever be capable of the wrong thing. I want to have a well behaved kid, but I don't want her to grow up with the sense of shame that most people I know have for their "less attractive" human parts.
Aren't you glad you checked in today? Maybe some lighter tangents will be on he horizon in the near future. Will be curious about your thoughts. Am hoping that this one makes sense outside of my head.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
New Look
In the beginning I really resisted the idea of doing a blog. Once I caved into the peer pressure to get going with it, I found myself starting to really like the outlet. Before I left for China, I was sure I was going to be wrapping up my blogging days once I returned. I was mixed about sharing private details of my daughters life with others and assumed that I wouldn't have the time or the inclination to write. Again, I must admit that I was wrong about how I would feel about keeping this up. I also discovered that I had a lot more quiet time around the house after A is asleep (now that she is finally going to bed easily) than I did pre-motherhood.
While I am not a very frequent blogger, I do find that doing so helps me to organize my thoughts and reflect on such a major experience in my life. While I do end up sharing details (and now even pictures) about A's life, this blog is mostly about me and my inner world. It seems that most of my buddys post more on FB than their blogs these days. Although FB is quick and fun, I do find something nice about being able to get the fuller story when they do a blog post. I have learned so much and thought about so many new things through reading other people's blogs. The act of doing this keeps a connection alive, for me. I choose to blog because I, too, hope that my experience may mean something to some one else. I am grateful to those who have chosen to share their *real* experiences. Beyond my selfish motives for doing this, I do hope to contribute in a small way to the collective cause of reducing the isolation so easily caused by not knowing other people's less than perfect sides.
So as I have moved into year two of motherhood, I decided it was time to do a little tweaking of this space. Just because my own appearance has taken the back seat to my little cutie, my blog doesn't need to.
While I am not a very frequent blogger, I do find that doing so helps me to organize my thoughts and reflect on such a major experience in my life. While I do end up sharing details (and now even pictures) about A's life, this blog is mostly about me and my inner world. It seems that most of my buddys post more on FB than their blogs these days. Although FB is quick and fun, I do find something nice about being able to get the fuller story when they do a blog post. I have learned so much and thought about so many new things through reading other people's blogs. The act of doing this keeps a connection alive, for me. I choose to blog because I, too, hope that my experience may mean something to some one else. I am grateful to those who have chosen to share their *real* experiences. Beyond my selfish motives for doing this, I do hope to contribute in a small way to the collective cause of reducing the isolation so easily caused by not knowing other people's less than perfect sides.
So as I have moved into year two of motherhood, I decided it was time to do a little tweaking of this space. Just because my own appearance has taken the back seat to my little cutie, my blog doesn't need to.
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