Deep Tangents....

She Popped?

2010-09-16T19:43:00.002-06:00

When you live with a kid who is significantly speech delayed you really have no clue what she is thinking about. Really, you have no idea IF she even thinks about things at all. I know "A" is a tremendous observer. She notices EVERYTHING and I believe she is pretty smart judging by how quickly she catches on to the things she observes. But now that she is 4 years 4 months, and a year away from transitioning to Kindergarten, I have been wondering about how well she is picking up on things when it comes to verbal learning. She seems to be doing as well as her peers in most areas, so I don't really worry all that much, but when you get so little expressed verbally, it isn't always clear where she at and what she really understands.

"A" is a joyful and fairly well adjusted kid. She is head strong and stubborn, but most of the time recovers quickly when she gets angry or can't get her way. While I know she is a pleaser and knows how to make people happy, I do trust that she is a happy kid, overall. Trusting what I observe is important for me to remember in the absence of speech, which is ironic since my professional life as a therapist relys so much on listening to what is said. When we are with "A's" peers, I am always shocked to hear how much they talk and the kinds of things they think about and express. It always makes me a little sad to know so much more about the thought process of her buddies, than those of my own daughter. Thankfully, our ST has given me great suggestions about ways to help move things along.

The past two - three months things have changed significantly. "A" has gone from mostly 2 word statements, to full phrases and even the beginning of conversations. Each time we have a back and forth exchange about something a little more complex than discussing our schedule or the contents of dinner, I am still a little stunned. Yesterday, she asked me if I had a nice day at my office and then followed it up with asking about what I did and why. It's not just the talking that surprises me, but it's the window into what is happening in her head outside of the typical pleasure seeking focus of the average 4 year old.

Over Labor Day we went to visit my family in MI. "A" was very close to Molly, my parents dog, who recently passed away. I agonized about what to say to her, as I am not even totally clear about my own beliefs about what happens when we die. A week before we went to MI I explained that we would not be seeing Molly at her Grandparents house. I explained that Molly was very old and because of this her body stopped working and she died. "A" acknowledged what I said and didn't ask any questions. I had no clue if she understood anything I said, but thought it was interesting that she stopped asking my dad to talk to Molly each time we called, as she has regularly done for a year. When we got to MI she didn't look for Molly and didn't say a thing (usually her favorite part of the visits). Two days into the stay, we see the doggy door and "A" asked what it was. I said "you know what that is, honey, what is it?" She said "Molly's door, where's Molly?" I asked her if she remembered that Molly had died and again explained it in the exact way I had before. She looked me right in the eye and said, "Oh, Molly popped?" I was totally perplexed, until I realized just a half an hour before a balloon she received had popped. I thought it was such a strange question, but then decided that maybe it was actually a very profound statement. Don't want to give her too much credit, but if you think about it, she might not be all that off. Whether or not she really pictured the dogs body going away and her soul going out into the universe, she seemed to understand the finality of death in some way. She hasn't brought Molly up again after that.

We drove on that trip to MI. About 2 hours into the 5 hour drive, "A" looks up from her Mickey Mouse Video and says "mom, when I was a baby I was in your tummy, right?" WTF, where did this come from? We went from Me: "A, what did you eat for lunch today?" and "A" responding: "Milk and water" every single day, to this! Hasn't the girl heard of gray? Once I got over the shock of knowing she even thinks about this stuff, I felt such relief. Relief to be able to begin these conversations. I certainly fumbled all over the place with that one, but am thrilled to be really beginning taking our communications to a new place and level.

This morning when I asked "A" if she knew where she lives (she does). She said "China". I said "You lived in China when you were a baby, honey, but remember mommy came and got you and took to our home. Do you remember where that is?" She answered correctly, and then added "when I a baby in China I had an owie on my lip" and showed me her cleft scar. She then proceeded to tell me how it used to hurt and that she got a band aid and now it is better. Again, I find myself speechless and so very grateful to have an opportunity to get a glimpse into her inner world.

The rest of the story...

2010-08-17T19:32:00.002-06:00

So the meltdown I wrote about in my last post was about being sick of the heat, right? Well, that wasn't really the whole story, but was certainly a good portion of it. The rest has to do with this particular time of the year, as it is a time of a few annual medical appointments for "A", which I totally dread.

Little Miss A has a lot of different things going on for her medically, some normal and expected (preventative health and CL/CP related) and others, not so much. As I mentioned in an earlier post, "A" has the potential for a serious disease. It was a total surprise to me, and something (the observable symptoms) that was missing from her referral paperwork. Of course I am glad it was missing, as she currently does not have the disease and may never develop it, AND I fear I would have assumed the worst if I knew before sending my Letter of Intent to adopt her. This is something that could develop anytime until puberty. Each year that it doesn't show up decreases the likelihood of it being severe, if a diagnosis ends up being made. We see 2 different specialists each year for monitoring. And, as you can guess by the lead in, "A's annual appointments take place in August.

Today was the second of the appointments, and the one that is the most scary for me. The first one examines / looks for symptoms that I would be able to see with my own eyes, where today's needs special equipment to see. Today is the appointment that I worry I will be blindsided by, therefore causing a lot of anxiety in the days leading up to it. The very good news is that all is well for another year. While the worry always gnaws at me a bit, I have learned to live pretty well with it in the background.... until August strikes.

One of the things that hits me as I watch my little angel sit patiently and politely as she is poked and prodded, and put in situations that make most adults uncomfortable, is that she is "too good". She has seen more doctors and specialists, and has had more medical testing and surgery in her short life than I have in 42 years. I hear constantly how impressed the professionals are with how well she behaves and lets them do what needs to be done. I initially felt proud of her, but now as I see the trend and see how "not normal" this is, my heart hurts a little for her. Of course I am thrilled to not have to hold down a screaming child, but sometimes wish she would fight a little. I wonder where her fear is and how she manages it. She is not a fearless kid, by nature. In fact she is a very cautious, slow to warm up kid who typically needs a lot of comforting in the beginning. Why is she not the same when facing things far scarier than a loud garbage truck, or neighbors poodle? I fear it is a learned helplessness of sorts. I am saddened that this is so normal for her. I try not to think about the surgeries she had in China with no parent there to care for her and comfort her fears and pain. That is just too hard to think about. Instead I look at my little girl sitting so still as she has uncomfortable dilating drops put in her eyes, and feel the conflicting feelings of pride and sadness as I hold her hand and let her know she is not alone.

I am going to try and remember this feeling tomorrow morning when we have our daily standoff about brushing her teeth, and be grateful for all the ways she DOES take control of her body.

Hitting the wall

2010-08-15T19:20:00.004-06:00

I will be kicking myself for saying this when the gray days of winter hit, but I am so ready for this summer to end. We have had such a wonderful summer in so many ways, but this heat and humidity have been killing me. Summers have always been full of fun festivals, art fairs, outdoor concerts and BBQs. Since becoming a mom, though, they have been so much more. This summer has been about learning to swim and ride a bike, frequent visits to the park and beach, BBQs with friends, sidewalk chalk, kicking around a ball, the zoo, loads of ice cream and so much more. I feel like we have lived it fully. But all this fun has been accompanied with a sense of dread, as it has required me to be outside.

Winters are long here, and we certainly don't spend as much time in the fresh air as I would like. So when it is "nice" out, I feel compelled to spend time outside. Plus, summer is a time of so many free fun activities that the thrifty part of me hates to miss out. I don't think I am lazy by nature, but when it is hot and humid out I just want to sit on my couch and stare at the walls. I don't have central air, only window ACs which haven't fully done the trick this summer. So even sitting doing nothing, isn't really pleasant. Even with the AC on I find myself still sweating after my shower while I try to put my make up on, and the chocolate chips in my pantry seem to soften and form into a blob during the days I am out of the house with the AC off. The humidity never seems to leave, which is probably the problem. The heat just zaps my energy. Having a four year old, though, doesn't really afford me the opportunity to just sit around or escape to the movies.

Last night I totally hit my wall. We were out "playing" miniature gold with friends. "A" was red-faced and soaked with sweat, (my girl is a MAJOR sweater, by the way) and I had much more than a glow about me, too. I knew we were getting home past normal bedtime and the idea of yet one more bath for this kid made me start to feel pissy. We went to dinner at a place that ended up being crowded, stuffy and running crazy slow with serving. I started to feel claustrophobic and overstimulated. "A" was in velcro mode and I just wanted to jump out of my skin. I felt like I had to work very hard to be nice and carry on a conversation, all while wanting to jump up and start screaming and throwing things. I felt terrible that I was probably a bit bitchy, but I think my months of being adaptable and active came to an end. I got home and put the girl to bed rather than a bath. At that moment it was easier to consider changing her sheets than spending one more minute taking care of someone. I just sat on the couch and cried.

A good night sleep did me well and I decided that other than running a few errands we would stay in for the day. I let "A" watch a ton of videos, which is a rarity here, while I read the paper, cooked and putzed around on the Internet. It was a nice day and I feel no guilt.

She's Blonde

2010-08-12T07:52:00.001-06:00

In the past 2 weeks I have had five different people describe another female favorably by stating she is blonde somewhere in the description. "My cousin is beautiful, blonde hair and blue eyes." "She is so pretty with that blonde hair and all." "She has so much going for her..... she's blonde." You get the idea. While I know each of those comments was said innocently, I found myself wondering if any of those people had an awareness of the bias they were covertly showing. I wanted to say, so is it being blonde that makes her attractive, or is it the whole package? If she had brown hair, would she be described as equally attractive? It wasn't just that it was being used to describe what is attractive, but was clearly stated in a way that depicted value. As a dark curly haired "ethnic" looking Jew, I quickly go down the road of feeling different and a bit vulnerable. My immediate association when I hear those comments is that they are describing and valuing an Aryn look. A look that is so far away from how I look, and one that his such deep seated racial/antisemitic undercurrents for me. I know it is a little crazy that a handful of people using the word blond synonymously with attractive and valued, makes be think about Hitler, but I don't think I am totally off base. I do realize that there are also lots of degrading blonde jokes in constant circulation. But, most of the blondes depicted in these distasteful jokes are beautiful one's, whether it is shown in print, a character sketch, or the tellers own imagination. While they are being put down in the jokes, I still get the idea by many men that these women are still preferred. Maybe it's me?

So where am I going with this rant???? As I stated, I do not look like what our culture defines as beautiful. I do know that many people are attracted to dark hair and that there are lots of different factors that go into what we consider attractive. What I am talking about is the deeper unconscious beliefs we have about beauty and value. I know I spent a good portion of my life HATING my curly hair and feeling bad about my appearance. There are lots of factors that played into my insecurities about the way I looked, and it was certainly not limited to my hair. It's just that while I fit in on the surface, I often felt very different. I grew up getting constant questions about my ethnicity from strangers. In my more Jewish circles this was a non issue, but in the rest of my life I sometimes got singled out in ways that often didn't feel good. As a grown up, I have made peace with myself and my appearance. I value difference and define (external) beauty with a wide lens. Our culture plays a huge role in the identity development of young girls. Hair color plays only one small part in this. We have made progress in valuing internal qualities and intellect in women, not just appearance, but old beliefs die hard.

As a white Jewish single mother of a adopted Chinese daughter with a repaired cleft lip I am constantly thinking about these types of issues and comments, even the subtle "blonde" ones. It is too early to tell what things will stand out for my daughter and cause her to feel insecure or different. I have a long list of the possibilities, but certainly don't want to decide for her. I can only hope that the more I surround her with diversity(not just talking race), the more she will get the message that there is no "perfect" ideal look, situation, or family. But I am also committed to not being naive about the sneaky ways some of these messages can work their way into our psyches.

Ok, I'm finished.

In the Now

2010-08-04T19:43:00.005-06:00

We just returned home from a mini vacation visiting a few friends from college and graduate school. It was a really nice time and the connecting with friends really fed my soul. Since becoming a mom, I have a lot less of this type of connecting time. I know it is a short phase of life, though, and I trust that my life will again be full of these types of interactions a bit more frequently. In the meantime, there are many things that come with being a mom that also feed my soul. Sometimes, though, I forget to pay attention to them.

On our trip we spent time in Cincinnati and in Bloomington, IN. We stayed in the homes of two different friends and one night at a hotel with another friend and her 4 year old daughter. I was not sure how A would adjust to all of this car travel, movement, new situations, people and pets. Her adaptivity totally amazed me. I cannot believe this is the same girl who did all she could to make her world very small, only taking in tiny pieces at a time during that first year home. She now embraces each new situation with such gusto, a huge smile, and never ending curiosity. I watched her observe others and learn from them. I saw her cuddle up with people other than me. I noticed how easily she found something to explore and amuse herself in every single situation we were in. She never complained (except when it was time to go home "no home, no home") even during the long car rides. When I first met her I was concerned that she never complained or asked for any need to be met, as a result of two years spent in an orphanage. This not complaining was different; This seemed truly about really just living in "The Now".

I find myself trying to hurry little Miss A along so much of the time, "Hurry up and brush your teeth" , "Must you stop and look around on every single step out the door?" ,"Please stop looking at the bugs and keep walking", "Are you finished with your dinner yet?", "Hurry and pick out your books, if you want to have time to read two". The list goes on and on. When I really stop and pay attention to what is happening, I realize that there is usually no real reason to have to rush so much. What I am learning from my daughter is the beauty of really taking it all in. It's something so many of us adults have forgotten how to do.

Being a mom is rough, as there is just so much to balance out. So many tasks to do and responsibilities to meet. Free time is limited and coveted, at least it is by me. Every night I spend time reading bedtime stories, rocking and talking with A about each of our "happy's" from the day. Many nights I find myself wrestling with this very issue of being in the now. I can get so focused on my "me" time after A is in bed that I try to send A subliminal messages hoping she will pick short/quick books for us to read, so I can get her to bed and move on. But then I remember the lesson my daughter has taught me about "The Now" and I put my desire to move onto my e-mail aside and absorb the special moments I am living right then. She will not always want to be held, snuggled, and nurtured in this way. She will soon be old enough to want to ban me from her room at all. Today, I remember the joy that comes with the now, and I feel total peace.

A Strange Kind of Grieving

2010-07-15T20:56:00.003-06:00

Four years, two months and 6 days ago my dossier was logged into the CCAA and I was filled with a giddy sense of hope, excitement, and joy that in 9-11 months I would see my daughter's face for the first time. I celebrated officially being "paper pregnant" and began to prepare for this greatly anticipated transition into motherhood. It wasn't long before that excitement turned to angst, and eventually depression, as the world of Chinese International Adoption changed in ways none of us waiting PAPs could have imagined, and that 9-11 month wait turned into a marathon with no clear finish line.

While I am a very independent person, having a sense of community is something that has always been very important to me. One of the things that thrilled me about the way the China program was structured, was that folks generally travelled in a group, and that each group's children generally came from the same SWI. For me, I knew the experience of traveling across the world as a single woman and coming home the mother to a little girl who lost everything familiar to her, would be something so powerful that it would be hard to put into words. Going through this transformation with others, both in the support and the bearing witness of it all, ranked way up there for me in the fantasy I created about how this would all play out. Also, the idea of our children all coming from the same SWI, which is typical for groups traveling from one agency, excited me, as I would have at least a crumb of something from my daughters past to give her through future contacts. I looked at these children as cousins of sorts. As my dossier left for China back in April of 2006, my agency sent a list of the names and e-mail addresses of the people in my travel group. There were 4 families in all.

In addition to my agency group, I got busy early on joining Yahoo groups for people waiting. Several of those groups were geared towards those waiting with the same expected timeline. Again, in the beginning there was a lot of excitement, gift swapping, and idea sharing. There was a giddiness that was just so much fun. I made some good friends and we talked a lot about the hope of meeting up in China and introducing each other to our children. So much shared fantasy during those first months of waiting.

Well, we all know that things changed dramatically and the fantasy changed into cold hard reality. Many of us eventually changed course and moved to the Special Needs program, other countries, or became parents by other means. Some people dropped out as they needed to take themselves out of limbo. Many peoples life situations changed, some no longer qualified to adopt, and some put wonderful opportunities on hold in order to stay in line. Many of those who decided to wait it out eventually needed to put distance between all things adoption in order to mentally survive the unknown. Relationships formed, but many grew distant, awkward, or to had falling outs. For all in this process there has been pain. Some more than others, but all of us have had to do some amount of soul searching. Most of us thought deciding to adopt was the end of the journey of having to dig deep, not the beginning.

I am grateful every day that I was able to change to the Special Needs program and found my amazing daughter. Being her mother is an incredible honor and I would not change a thing knowing how this story played out. So, why is it that I am finding myself a little blue as my original agency group received their referrals today? Of course I am over the mood excited for them, it's not an either / or kind of thing. But, what has also come up for me is another layer of sadness about how all of this has played out. How the process brought so much pain, both in myself and for those I care about. This process just played out so differently than I thought it would. It was so different than the stories of PAP's of years past. Today I am grieving and letting go of the expectations I had 4 + years ago.

While I stopped waiting when I accepted A's referral in late February of 2008, I realize that I have not fully let go. I have been reading RQ daily and tracking referral dates closely, still counting down days until my 5/9/06 group referrals finally came. I will admit, there is a pat of me that secretly hoped that a mistake had been made and I would somehow still be on that list. Yes, this is a greedy thought, and not one that would even be feasible to work out even if it happened, but it's the truth. In addition to this, I have had a bit of survivors guilt going. I have cherished my own experience, but have felt funny knowing so many of my friends still waited. For me, I allowed this to taint my experience a little and have often found myself being careful or worried my sharing was insensitive. Even the sharing of my referral news, back then, was tempered with the worry about how it would be received by my pals in the adoption community. Now that 5/9/06 finally received their calls I am also feeling like an outsider looking into a party that I would normally be attending. I look at my groups Province and very young girl referrals and wonder if one of them would have been mine, or what she would have been like. Again, I am not feeling regret, but curious and confused by it all. What I do know, though, is that I feel like I can finally let go. I can stop tracking and start fully living in what I have in a way that I just couldn't until now.

While I am so happy with my reality, it is strange to be grieving a process that played out so differently than I expected. If community wasn't as important to me, maybe I would not have held on the way I have. Or maybe its just that little problem of overanylizing I seem to have, LOL.

Congratulations to all those receiving their referrals this week and those whose turns are finally coming down the pike.

Attachment is a Process

2010-06-06T14:51:00.005-06:00

Attachment is a process. I have always know this to be true and did not enter into the adoption experience expecting it to happen in an instant. Now, just passing the two year mark of being home with A, I am able to see more clearly the different stages of the attachment process I have gone through as a parent. In our waiting, so many of us focus on how to foster a healthy attachment for our adopted child, as well as learning to have realistic expectations of how much time that actually takes. Many of us also take an honest look into the reality of OUR OWN process of attaching to our new child taking time. However, it seems there is more talk in the community about the instant love felt, rather than the disconnect between what your heart wants to feel, but actually really experiences. I know this happens differently for everyone, and some do actually feel it instantly, but for me it has been a process.

I have talked a bit about this here before and to some of you in different settings. In the early weeks/months I though I was attaching, but today it feels like those were really just the outer layers of the onion. On the two year Anniversary of meeting A, I looked at the pictures of our first few days together. For days, I couldn't stop myself from weeping each time I thought of the look on her little face - those sad, sad eyes kind of haunt me. I wept for that scared and sad little girl and I wept with the guilt I was feeling for not seeing her more clearly during those days. I shed the tears that I wish I had been able to genuinely weep during those days my daughter lost everything she ever knew.

When I watched the Ayi bring my daughter in to meet me, I was overcome with relief. I was relieved that this was really happening, and relieved to see this perfect, alert, and beautiful little girl, whom would be mine. When she was handed to me and started to protest and cry, I felt protective and strangely calm. I focused on soothing her and watched her cues carefully, intellectually aware how sad and frightened she must be. Later that night she flashed me several of her whole faced charming smiles, and I again felt relief that all would be OK. It didn't dawn on me that this was her seductive way of engaging adults to make sure her needs would be met, it just seemed adorable and I was smitten. In the days that followed, A's need to be held 24/7 began to feel suffocating to me. I felt tender and protective of her, this tiny two year old girl. However, it felt like I was doing what I needed to, or "should", rather than the expansive feeling you experience when giving from a full heart. I eventually shut down emotionally. I gave everything I knew to give, and was so overwhelmed by her need that I short circuited. I started to go through the motions. I felt bursts of happiness during those times in China, and the attachment process was certainly underway for both of us, but I was a just lot further away than I realized at that time.

The day after returning home form China we had our first Ped. appointment. I was hit with a surprise concern of a potential serious neurological disorder. She was not diagnosed with anything, but the idea that there was something out there put me into a tailspin. I remember sitting by the bathtub each night watching this little girl, who was blossoming by the day, and thinking how I felt this wall between us. I wanted to feel mother bear protective of her and anything she may have to face medically, but I couldn't permeate that wall. How could I fall in love with this little girl who may get sick or may need from me more than I have to give? I was ashamed of myself for not having the natural mothers instincts to be willing to go to the end of the earth for this child. Along with the medical unknown, we struggled a lot with sleep for the first 9 months A was home. In the early days, it was hard for me to believe that A would ever sleep independently of me. It was hard for me to keep knowing and doing all the right things to foster her sense of safety and attachment, yet feel like I was giving so much and feeling so little. I cried a lot during those first months.

The cycle seemed to be that A needed a lot of me in order to settle, and I needed a little space from her in order to want to give more. Unfortunately, she wanted nobody else but me, so there was little space to have. We worked it out somehow and slowly things began to improve. As I wrote about a long time back, I remember the first moment of feeling the overwhelming burst of love and attachment towards her. It was a little over 3 months after we became a family. Since that time it has grown in leaps and bounds. I don't think it was until year two, though, that the feeling of being willing to go to the ends of the earth for her really kicked in. Just being honest here. I have really really loved her since that third month in, but attaching on that primal level took longer for me. I just didn't know it until now.

In reflecting back, I believe that while I knew better, I still believed my attachment to her would happen right away. In reality, expecting myself have that kind of love and attachment with a total stranger, who had lived a full two years without me, was pretty darn unrealistic. I felt an instant connection with A, almost like I had known her before, but that is different than attachment. I know I did a "good enough" job with her in those earlier days, but I so wish I could go back now and do it again with the depth of feelings I have for her now.

Attachment is a process and I am grateful to now be where I am.

Pulling a Linda

2009-12-22T10:28:00.005-06:00

When I was growing up my mom was know for doing some pretty ditzy things. She isn't really a ditz, but has difficulties being fully present a lot of the time and therefore seems to have a greater share of mishaps than the average person. As long as I remember we called any ditzy act "pulling a Linda" in my family. "Pulling a Linda" can range from falling for no apparent reason (and getting lipstick on the white carpet), spacing it and leaving the cleaning at the dry cleaners after paying, leaving tags on new clothes while wearing them, accidentally throwing away the remote control or pulling a little too far into the garage and putting a hole in the wall multiple times a year. I love my mom for her quirkiness, but certainly would never want to emulate this trait. (And when any of my family members do, we just blame her. It's never hard to find the link.)

I have spent much of my 40 something years being pretty compulsive and methodical. Maybe it's something about the way I am hard wired, or maybe it's an overcompensation to growing up with Linda. You can imagine my horror to be noticing my own growing number of "Linda stories" that seem to be accumulating over the recent months. I am hoping that it is just stress and will not become my new normal, but I am starting to wonder. Last week at daycare drop off I took off my coat, instead of A's, and hung it on the little hook. She looked at me with the most perplexed little face before what had occurred had sunk in. The week before that I left my computer on and my keys at the office TWICE.

My life is very carefully constructed these days. It's the only way I have been able to make being a single mom without family in the area work. Most of the time we have a good rhythm going and life flows fairly easily. Being present is really important to me, and I do my best to really "be there" when I am with A. Balancing getting everything done AND being present takes a lot of work and planning. However, when something out of the ordinary happens and something extra gets added to the mix, it doesn't take long before things start to head south and find myself "pulling Linda's". This fall has been filled with many extraneous things that have caused a lot of stress. A got H1N1 followed by a few nasty colds, a few things have gone wrong at home which required someone to be there for a worker to do his thing, car issues, holiday shopping and a trip to visit family for Thanksgiving. You get the idea - none of these things are too out of the ordinary, but are enough to tip the balance of things. The biggest stress for me, though, has been a slow to unfold drama related to my office situation that ends with my needing to move. There were many twists and turns along the way that in reality could make a pretty funny SNL skit. I was at a Christmas party over the weekend and had people in tears they were laughing so hard at some of the craziness that has occurred over the past 3 months. However, at the end of the day having to move my practice, when it is not my choice (and there is a lot of money lost due to some of the unusual circumstances involved) has not felt very funny. It has been an undercurrent stress that has challenged me on multiple levels.

Right now I share an office with a colleague and good friend. We share expenses but have separate clinical practices. It works well. We are in a location that works very well fur us and for our clients. We have been in this space for 6 years and love the energy, aesthetics, and mood we have created. Finding something that feels right, has not been easy. Clients get attached to space, location, and a rhythm of things. I don't look forward to having to tell them all about the move. Finding a location and physical space that really works is important to us in they way we function as therapists. I know its the work that we do and the relationship we have with our clients that really matters, but the office also really communicates something, too, about who we are as people. For me, any old space will not do. It's funny that it is a time with so much office space on the market that people can't get rid of, yet we are having a hard time finding a space that we both feel good about. The closest one so far added about 15 minutes to my commute and the idea of rushing to get to daycare before the witching hour seriously throws me into a panic attack. Right now, I have built in some wiggle room for pick up. I don't want to be a basket case when I get to A due to unexpected weather, traffic issues, or even difficulties getting my last client out the door. Adding 15 minutes would mean that I can't encounter ANY problems at the end of the day, and I can see the writing on the wall about how well that will work out. Cutting out my last client isn't financially feasible, as I have already had to cut back in order to work around the daycare day. I am feeling stuck knowing that we have to find something soon in order to have a space ready for the move by Mid-March. My head spins with all that a move will entail, and I wonder where I will get the time to do these extra things to pull it off.

I do trust that things will work out, as they always do. In the meantime, though, it seems to me that the true measure of my stress will be how many times I seem to "pull a Linda" in the coming months. At least the "Linda Stories" will provide a lot of laughter along the way.

Starting already?

2009-10-02T10:31:00.002-06:00

I am very happy with A's preschool/daycare program. She is well cared for, happy, and seems to be learning a ton. The past few days, though, there have been a few things that have made my heart begin to hurt for her, as I am looking down the pike at what she will have to face. Last night we were sitting at dinner and she took her hands and pulled her eyes into pretty dramatic slants and said "chneese". She has never done this before and I know has not been exposed to this when I have been around, but can only assume she heard it at school. She had no clue that it was something derogatory towards her, and most likely wasn't even done in a (knowingly) derogatory way. But it caught me off guard. It made me think about several other things she had been talking about in previous days. There has been a lot of talk about "two mommies" one being "the white one". And then yesterday a mention of "the yellow one". I talk openly about her adoption and China, but so far most seems to go right over her head. Is this the beginning of her trying to understand, or is this something potentially mean she is hearing at school?

And then today when I dropped her off, one of the little boys offers that he and his mommy were talking about us in their car yesterday. I asked him what they were saying and he said "that A doesn't talk very well". Ouch! Again, was caught off guard by this. A is a pretty social kid who seems to get along well with her peers. I don't think anyone has been making fun of her at this point, but I am seeing how they are starting to notice the ways she is different. Luckily she is in a center that is pretty diverse (several other Asian children along with kids from India, and many European countries), so I am hoping that it is more a mere noticing, than anything else. I imagine it is only a matter of time before her cleft scar/uneven lips get pointed out. Knowing that my joyful little girl will have to experience the pain associated with being different is so painful to consider. I come from a family and circle that really values differences, but am realistic to know that the larger world is often not that way.

A's speech is still pretty delayed. Talking to her sometimes feels a bit like talking to someone with Dementia. Often I will ask A questions and she answers in a way that "could" make sense with a stretch of the imagination, and other times it is clear that she is just using one of her default answers and hoping she gets it right. Her receptive language has been tested as significantly better than her expressive, so it is often very hard to know what she gets and what she doesn't. I look at some of the issues which are emerging and wonder how to best approach knowing she may or may not even be "getting" what is going on, and what I am saying to her. What I know for sure is that she doesn't have the vocabulary to tell me what is on her mind. I don't want to make a big deal out of something that may be totally lost on her, but I don't want to miss important teaching moments. It is hard to know there will be many things in life that chip away at her self esteem and I wish I could protect her from that. In the meantime, I made her teachers aware of what I am noticing and hope they, too, can find teachable moments when things are happening between the kids.

Being a mom is not for sissys, that I know for sure!

Snacking

2009-08-19T08:50:00.003-06:00

Last month we we spent a long weekend with my parents. It was a great visit. During the weekend there was a family gathering with all my cousins and their kids. While A was playing with some of the cousins of her generation, I was sitting around talking with the cousins of mine. I am one of the youngest of the group and the last to have a child. During the conversation, I was very aware of trying really hard to listen and participate, while I also kept an eye on A who was running around my parent's not very childproofed house. I felt guilty for not fully listening, and started to apologize for what was probably noticeable distractability. Midway through my apology, though, I started to laugh. I stopped and said that I was in no way going to apologize for not fully listening, as this is what I have had to deal with with them for the past 20 years. They cracked up and stated that they had wondered why I was apologizing, as they all just expect that nobody gives them their full attention after all of these years. I guess I am now a member of the the ADD club.

I don't get out alone with adults very much these days. I am not really so bothered by it, as I am content hanging with A and doing more family typed activities most of the time. I had many years to do what I wanted, and for the most part find being a mom more joyful and fulfilling. However, what I miss is deeper connections with people. I do get to see my friends, but when kids are involved neither adult is fully present in the conversation. I knew it was coming, as I watched in and experienced it with friends over the years, but now I am really feeling that loss. I feel like I get lots of yummy snack foods, but never a full meal. I love to snack, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the only thing that satisfies is a "real meal".

Since I tend to be housebound during nap time and most evenings when A is in bed, I find the Internet is my source of connecting. The phone works, too, but with the Internet one doesn't need to worry about getting the timing of connection in sync with the other. It is always there. During the long waiting for the adoption, blogging and y*hoo groups were a great way to connect with others in the community. I made some great connections, learned a lot, and "discussed" matters of importance to myself and others. As many of us have come home with kids and the popularity of FB moved into our generation, things started to change. Less people blog about anything of great depth. Many people don't have the time or inclination to know each other in that way. FB allows for quick easy contact, but for me is missing the depth. It is fun. I love the humor and snark that comes up, but I am missing the deeper. Again, it feels like snacking, but after the crash of the sugar buzz wears off, I am yearning for more. It has been so easy for me to get hooked by the ease of the connections/re-connections on FB, but at the end of the day I realize that it is mostly only satisfying for the short term.

I know that this is a phase of life that goes with having small children. I do find time to get together for breakfast with friends from time to time, after I drop A off at daycare. I am learning that an AM cup of coffee instead of a PM glass of wine still can lend to fulfilling contact. I guess I am still just trying to find my way in this area.

Mama said there'd be days (weeks) like this

2009-08-08T18:31:00.005-06:00

It's been a long couple of weeks. There have been some stressful things going on in my family, in my professional life and with a few close friends. I'm spent! As if I weren't already just plain tired all of the time, the past few days I have fallen into bed exhausted at the end of the day, only to wake up a bunch from my very active dream life. Last night, as I was feeling some relief with a few of the things going on, I had a squirrel trying to eat through the plastic side thingy of my window AC unit in my bedroom. The same thing happened last year (on the other side) and I discovered it as I woke up to see a little nose and whiskers poking through the newly chewed holes. What I found then is that one pound on the AC unit scare the annoying guy off for days. This recent one, not so much. All night long I would wake up the the gnawing sounds of him eating away at the plastic. I would pound and he would leave for a second and come right back. After a while he didn't even leave when I would pound. Around 3 am I finally got wise and went to get my emergency flashlight. Each time I heard him I shined the light on the window until he left. This went on 3 or 4 times until he finally left me alone. I slept with the flashlight and never really went into a deep sleep out of fear I would wake to a smart ass squirrel running around my room. So far he has not been around today. Let's hope he will be bothering someone else tonight.

Around A's 3rd b-day in May we started actively potty training. She sat for many months before that, but was not ready to do anything more. Around 3 she got into it. The way it initially worked was she got and m&m for each time she peed in the potty. Somewhere along the way it changed to 2 smarties for peeing and the smarties plus an m&m for a poop. Basically, I was getting tired of the chocolate drool spots on my furniture and stains on her shirt. This was pretty effective and got us about 80% there during the days. I will not even attempt nap or nighttime until much later. What I found is that A wouldn't always remember to ask for the candy for peeing. Probably because after the first few weeks she stopped getting them at school. As many people have shared, potty training is really stressful. For me, the unpredictability of A's need to potty and the lack of control over how much she buys in (or not) were the hardest parts. She has a pattern of peeing a little bit, very frequently in the mornings and the afternoons are hit or miss. My putting her on the potty before I get in the shower doesn't ensure that she will not show up midway through patting her bottom telling me she has to go. Or worse, just pee on whatever chair she is sitting on. Then there is the car ride to school. She pees before we leave, but every now and then, she either lets me know that she has to go and we make an "emergency stop", and a few times has just gone in her carseat. What I am trying to say is that I find there to be an chronic low level of stress that is always present due to never knowing if this is will be the time that she just doesn't care or ignores the signals due to whatever else she is doing, or will let me know. On weekends I sometimes put her in a pull up when we go out, so I can actually enjoy myself and not be soooo worried about these accidents. Often she will stay dry, but sometimes not. I'm sure I am working against myself by doing this, but I figure it is better than the funny farm.

A few weeks back we had a particularly bad spell of about one accident a day. I was getting so frustrated and discouraged because all the things I had been recommended to do weren't working. My girl LOVES to clean up her clothes and the floor, so having to clean the mess certainly didn't detour her. The candy reinforcers seem to mean nothing at this point. My kid who cant tolerate a crumb on her finger during a meal, doesn't seem to mind being wet. I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to get over this final hump. Then it came to me that I needed to start reinforcing "being dry" and not "going on the potty". I implemented a sticker program/chart where twice a day she would get a sticker if she had been dry the whole time. When she got to 10 stickers we went out for ice cream. She LOVES ice cream cones. It worked pretty well the first time through. I decided after the first ice cream I would up the ante to 15 stickers. She is still having some bad days, but it certainly broke the cycle. She made it to 15 2 days ago. Right after I we had the whole sticker ritual she peed in her pants (while standing 2 inches away from the potty playing in the sink). I took the sticker away, which I probably shouldn't have done, but I was soooo frustrated. Yesterday was her chance to try it again and she had an accident in the morning. I was so sure she would do it I had it all planned out after I picked her up. I was bummed for both of us that we didn't get to go. But, last night she got it done so we finally made our plan for today.

It is disgustingly hot here today with humidity that is beyond uncomfortable. After her nap, I took A to the DQ for her cone. I had never been to this one with her, but what I quickly discovered was that there was no place to sit. We sat on a little ledge and ate our ice cream cones, which quickly melted in the heat. Midway though A volunteers the has to go pee pee. You guessed it, there was no public restroom to use. Not knowing what to do, I take her and our two melting cones to the back of the building, strip her down and show her how to squat in the parking lot. Ice cream is dripping everywhere as I also realized that my strategy wasn't so great because her pee ran down all over her shoes and mine. Of course there was a lot of people traffic walking by on their way in the shop. I tried to hide, which was pointless because A kept yelling "Pee Pee" and pointing as each person walked by. She was so proud and I was mortified. As I stood up I banged my head on some box sticking out of the building and have a nice lump on the top of my head. I was so hot, sticky with ice cream and multiple other things that I didn't even care. A finished her cone, I used about 40 wipes to clean us off and we got back in the car to go home.

Not so lucky to be able to end the story there. My kid decides she needed to go again midway home where there was no place good to stop. I pulled into the back a parking lot of a swim club and figured we would just have to do it again. Much better that there was grass, a big tree to hide behind and no ice cream to contend with. I positioned her much better this time as I held her over the grass. What I didn't quite calculate was the angle of where I was in the lot with her a bit above me on the grass. One would think that the pee would shoot down, right? No, not this time. Shot straight out at me and all over her underwear. Again, she thought this was hilarious. She was wearing a dress so I just took off the undies and let her ride home bare bottomed. I am so glad to not have to leave my house again today. Tomorrow she will be wearing pull ups for our adventure to legoland with a college friend and her family.

On a more serious note, please put good thoughts out to the universe for my brother and his family. My SIL had an emergency c-section on Thurs. and delivered my new nephew over 2 months early. He is doing as well as to be expected, but is very tiny (3.75 lbs) and has a long road ahead. My SIL was pre-eclampsic and they still can't get her BP under control. Life is fragile, so while I am totally bothered by todays potty drama and some disrupted sleep, it means really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Little eyes are always watching

2009-07-16T19:51:00.003-06:00

One of the things I am learning about my daughter is how observant she is. I have no idea if this is a result of orphanage life, or if this is just her innate nature. My guess is that it results from a combination of the two. As I have talked about before, A's speech is really delayed. It is very frustrating, at times, to see a three year old, yet not be able to verbally communicate with one another very easily. She is quite effective in getting her needs met, but it is, more often than not, through nonverbal means. What I am also observing is that A seems to learn best visually, rather than through listening. I don't know if this will change as she gets more comfortable and proficient with language, or if this will always be her learning style. It keeps me on my toes, as my style is to be much more verbal. It's not that she isn't understanding, as her receptive language is much more on track than her expressive. It's more that I find myself stunned with the things she knows through observation, yet the repetition of verbal things seem to take forever to sink in. Sometimes she just seems to tune out, when I know her hearing is fine. I believe some of this IS related to being delayed with language, but not all of it.

As I have said, I find myself surprised with the things A knows. We were at the grocery store and she pointed to the deodorant and lifted her arm pretending to put it on. I'm wasn't even aware she has paid attention to my doing this. Over the weekend we were visiting my folks. My mom was getting ready for a party and windexed a glass table. A made it clear to her that she forgot to wipe the bottom of the glass, and not just the top. Again, I'm not even fully conscious of doing this, yet she knows that this is the way I do it. Of course, it was a little horrifying to hear her yell "coooommmmmeee on" and shake her arm in the air when the traffic light turned green and the car in front of us didn't go right away. She did this appropriately, and not just randomly. I could do without that little mirror of my impatient side, LOL. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Maybe this is all 3 year olds and I'm overly impressed for nothing. But the fact that I can rely on so little verbally from her, it catches me off guard (in an impressed way) when these things come out, as I just don't always know how much she is observing/learning.

I will save the bulk of this thought for another post, but it resonates so much with things I have been pondering about how to raise a child who is comfortable with the quiet. Our culture is so busy and so distracted all of the time. We have so many gadgets and things to absorb our focus and take us away from our selves. I find myself having to work hard to be present and in the moment, at times. I see so many people driving around with their DVD players on for their kids in the backseat. I do this for long road trips, but that is it. I notice how much my daughter looks out the window and notices every little thing from a plane in the sky to the mailboxes we pass. She almost always spots things well before I do. I can almost see her soaking up her world as we drive. I hope she always goes through life taking it all in, rather than the tunnel vision of distraction. I hope that her preference for learning through watching, will somehow help her choose to stay grounded in the present. While I, too, am very observant, I feel she is also teaching me so many important things.

Mommy guilt

2009-07-05T12:18:00.005-06:00

I know most moms have a bit of mommy guilt, as I have heard people talking about it for years. I also observe it in those parents who are busy judging other parents for things that they don't do perfectly, as I really believe critical people generally feel pretty inadequate themselves. I am truly a believe in being a "good enough" parent, as none of us is perfect, and this is way to complex of a task to fully master without fault. Yet even with this concept in mind, I still feel the nagging call of the mommy guilt on almost a daily basis.

As I talked about in my last post, I am trying really hard to think about the messages I send my daughter about her actions and attitudes. However, there are just some days that I find myself just reacting and not caring. These days are sure to bring on a case of the mommy guilts. A is very strong willed, but she doesn't act up very often. I know I am lucky in that. When she does have a tantrum or misbehave, she generally does well with time outs and redirection. Over the past few months, however, she has been testing the limits a bit more and pushing back. There are some days that I get locked in and want to win at all costs. I admit it, I can go there. Looking back on our worst moments, I would say that 75% of them are escalated by me. Aren't I supposed to be the one diffusing???? Sometimes when A gets nervous (when I get angry with her) she laughs and in the moment that drives me crazy. In the moment all I want her to do is listen and "get it", yet she looks away and laughs. Hard for me to remember that that laughing IS her getting it, but sometimes when it is happening I am just not sure. Immediately when it is over I feel tremendous guilt. I could have handled things differently. I didn't need to be reactive and / or raise my voice. I am "supposed to be" calm and unemotional when I tell her to take her time out. Blah, blah, blah. The whole things usually last no more than 10-15 minutes start to finish, and we end up loving on each other as usual. But I walk away swearing that next time I will remember that there are different ways of "winning" and there are alternative routes to take.

I am also feeling a bit guilty about my girl not having a daddy. I do not regret for a second going ahead with this adoption on my own, but I find that it would be nice for her to have someone with opposite strengths be available for her where I fall short. I have no delusion about being a superwoman. I do a lot for A and provide a pretty balanced life, but there are many areas where I am lacking and she misses out. I see my friends husbands do things with there kids (and A when we are over) that would just never occur to me to do, or are things I am just not able to do. There are also tasks that I have to do around the house (which I hate) that would be great to allow her to participate in. But sometimes when I am feeling the burden of doing it all myself, that last thing I want is a little helper underfoot. I know she would enjoy helping, but I find myself too testy, or incompetent at the task at hand, to be patient. Again, the mommy guilt comes once I have finished the task and think about the little ways I could have involved her that would have made her happy. But sometimes I just need to get the darn tasks done and am too tired to think creatively. In addition to the obvious stuff that a daddy could provide, I feel that having a partner would lighten my load and allow for a little more playfulness with certain chores. I'm certain there are many of you with husband who may disagree, LOL.

I know neither of these issues are earth shattering and that for the most part things go well. A continues to appear confident and well adjusted, so I try not to take it to heart too much of the time. But there are those moments when she is sleeping peacefully, or I have dropped her at daycare for the day, when I think to myself "tomorrow I will be a better mom." I intellectually know I am in good company with this thought, but sometimes it helps to know it's true.

Parenting with the Shadow

2009-06-15T12:12:00.003-06:00

In my professional life as a Therapist I spend a lot of time thinking about "the Shadow". For those of you not familiar with it, the concept came out of the work of Carl Jung. Basically, it is the not so attractive part of us. It is the part that we try to disown or distance from, in order to feel ok. Probably a bit more complicated than that, but this is the part that relates to the deep tangents going on in my head today.

In order to feel whole, I believe that we have to be able to embrace BOTH our shadow and light (the "acceptable" stuff) parts of ourselves. As human beings, we are all comprised of both positive /(over) developed parts and negative / underdeveloped parts. From a very young age we learn that the positive, appealing, attractive and socially acceptable parts parts are "good" and the negative stuff is "bad". Most of us want to be accepted and liked by others - starting with our parents- so we quickly learn which face to show and what parts of ourselves to hide. Eventually, most of us perfect this and disown those shadow parts. The problem is, deep down in we know those shadow parts are there, even when we try to pretend and convince ourselves they are not. With this comes shame - behind the mask we worry that we are really not ok or lovable.

A lot of my work as a therapist is in helping people deal with that shame. People have all kinds of strategies they employ to distance from the shame of that shadow. Some of those strategies look good (overachievement, in particular) and others are clearly not (addictions). But at the end of the day, most of these people want to be loved and accepted, and have a core belief that their "flaws" keep them from getting what they want. In my opinion, the solution is in embracing that part of them that they pretend/wish was not there, rather than figuring out how to get rid of it forever. The wholeness comes from seeing who you fully are, accepting the positive and negative, and letting go of the fallacy that were are not supposed to have or feel anything negative.

As a parent I (painfully) accept that there are ways I will inadvertently hurt my daughter, since I am not a perfect, all-knowing, human being. With that said, I strive to think about the ways I can give my daughter a positive sense of herself and come through her childhood with the least wounding possible. I am totally against the "all kids get a trophy" mentality, as I believe that important lessons are learned by learning to deal with disappointment and learning that you are not the best (nor need you be) at everything. Natural consequences and being able to look into a real life mirror are crucial, in my opinion, to REALLY seeing oneself. The way the adults in that child's life respond to this image has a huge impact. For me, my responses in the big situations feel fairly clear. It's the day-to-day small stuff that cause me to struggle.

I look at my little girl and see the freedom in which she expresses her joy and enthusiasm. I also see how important it is for her to please me. At 3 years old, I see how quickly she morphs if she senses my disappointment or disapproval. I'm sure that happens over and over again, all day long, at school and at home. I give her time outs when she doesn't listen. I sometimes raise my voice if she is displeasing me. While I cannot control the aspects of her self esteem that come with her history of abandonment and institutional care, I do feel a sense of responsibility for the rest. I am watching as the "good self" starts to emerge, and the less accepted parts start to hide. I am already contributing to her sense what is ok....or is it what makes her ok? Sure I tell her it is her behaviors, and not her, that I am angry with, but what concerns me is a bit bigger than that. How do I raise a happy, healthy, contributing member of society AND help her feel whole with both her positive and negative traits. How do I teach her that all the good things that get her praised are just as much a part of her as the impulse to be selfish, needy, and angry. That being selfish is no less human than being generous, and that most of us have both parts? How do I teach her that it is important to control certain impulses, yet she is not "bad" for having the impulse or desire? I want her to "do the right thing", but not have to pretend that the she is not someone who would ever be capable of the wrong thing. I want to have a well behaved kid, but I don't want her to grow up with the sense of shame that most people I know have for their "less attractive" human parts.

Aren't you glad you checked in today? Maybe some lighter tangents will be on he horizon in the near future. Will be curious about your thoughts. Am hoping that this one makes sense outside of my head.

New Look

2009-05-28T19:26:00.003-06:00

In the beginning I really resisted the idea of doing a blog. Once I caved into the peer pressure to get going with it, I found myself starting to really like the outlet. Before I left for China, I was sure I was going to be wrapping up my blogging days once I returned. I was mixed about sharing private details of my daughters life with others and assumed that I wouldn't have the time or the inclination to write. Again, I must admit that I was wrong about how I would feel about keeping this up. I also discovered that I had a lot more quiet time around the house after A is asleep (now that she is finally going to bed easily) than I did pre-motherhood.

While I am not a very frequent blogger, I do find that doing so helps me to organize my thoughts and reflect on such a major experience in my life. While I do end up sharing details (and now even pictures) about A's life, this blog is mostly about me and my inner world. It seems that most of my buddys post more on FB than their blogs these days. Although FB is quick and fun, I do find something nice about being able to get the fuller story when they do a blog post. I have learned so much and thought about so many new things through reading other people's blogs. The act of doing this keeps a connection alive, for me. I choose to blog because I, too, hope that my experience may mean something to some one else. I am grateful to those who have chosen to share their *real* experiences. Beyond my selfish motives for doing this, I do hope to contribute in a small way to the collective cause of reducing the isolation so easily caused by not knowing other people's less than perfect sides.

So as I have moved into year two of motherhood, I decided it was time to do a little tweaking of this space. Just because my own appearance has taken the back seat to my little cutie, my blog doesn't need to.

One year ago....

2009-05-24T00:00:00.004-06:00

Referral Pictures:

Our First Night (5/24/08) - A looking so sad and full of grief:

Typical "A" of Today - my joyful girl:

It is so amazing to me that a whole year has passed since first meeting my little munchkin. When I think about all the changes she has made in this year, I am really blown away. Here's a rundown of some of those things:

* When I first met A at almost 25 months she weighed 20# and was 32.75 inches and is now 28# and 36.75 inches.

* She would only sleep on top of me, eventually next to me, but had to be making physical contact, and now I can just kiss her goodnight, after our bedtime ritual, and leave the room.

* In China I had to buy bottles with nipples (even though she was using sippy cups in the orphanage) because she refused to suck. She would chew on the nipples to get fluid out. Now she drinks from a cup like a big girl.

* She threw things at meals to the point that people in my travel group were afraid to sit across the table from her. She now has fairly good table manners.

* When I first met A she drooled so much that her shirt would be soaked most of the time. She wore a bib in China all the time and for months once we were home. Now she only drools on occasion, as she has strengthened her mouth muscles by talking.

* In the beginning, A wanted to be held ALL THE TIME (a true velcro girl), and now only wants to be carried when she is just waking up, wants to snuggle, is crabby or when my hands are full. We were at a Bat Mitzvah a few weeks ago and she left me to go dance with all the teenagers.

* For a long while A would only connect with me and would tune out other people in her presence. Now she runs up to people she loves and hugs them and plays with them with gusto.

* While she appeared calm on the outside, A would vomit when she became overwhelmed. She has not vomited (except for with the flu) in 7 months.

* A was not talking at all when I met her (English or Mandarin) and used grunting and pointing as her main means of communication. Now she has over 100 words and is pretty effective in letting me know what she needs.

* For several months A would not cry when she got hurt, now she has become quite the drama queen needing kisses for even a hangnail. She is also known to present a spot where she got a shot or had a boo boo months ago, looking for a bit of sympathy.

* She used to do all she could to make her world very small because new things and open spaces overwhelmed her, now A notices everything around her (even things I don't see) and loves to explore.

* In the beginning had no opinion about anything and now voices her thoughts about EVERYTHING.

* Was terrified of the bath at first, and now can't get her out.

* Was afraid of the snow, grass, and anything that moved under her feet. Now she runs and plays without paying attention to any of it.

* In the beginning A was not attached to anything. Couldn't tolerate anything in her crib and was afraid of stuffed animals. Now, each night, we must layer her two favorite blankets on top of her and place her beloved stuffed frogs on each side before her final good night kiss. If she comes to my bed in the middle of the night, all those things come with.

I'm sure there are so many more things, but this is what comes to mind today. Sometimes when I get frustrated that she doesn't talk more or gets a little more clingy than I'd like, I have to step back and see just how far A has come this year.

I am grateful beyond words for the gift of this little soul.

Joining "real life"

2009-05-13T10:43:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was our last post placement visit with the SW, and now all the technical things related to A's adoption are finally finished. It was so nice to write that last adoption related check and it is so wonderful to have all the things in place that kids born in the US have had completed much earlier, or never had to do at all. I do realize that the issue of "adoption" will always be in our lives, as I am not talking about any of those emotional parts here, just focusing today on the meaning of being finished with the nitty gritty stuff. In less than a month we will have been home a full year. For me this is a time of looking both backwards and forward.

As I have talked about in several past posts, so much of this past year was geared towards these many tasks, medical issues, adjustment, and attachment, attachment, attachment. We have been social, don't get me wrong, but my focus has been inward on our little family of two. Now that I am feeling comfortable with A's level of trust in our connection and these things are out of the way, there is suddenly space to begin focusing on really joining life. It isn't until I sit down and write these posts that I realize how unconsciously methodically I have been living this past year, but I see it now and it really worked for us. I don't think I could have done it any differently, as really joining real life would have been a bit too overwhelming for me as a single mom with all we have faced in this past year.

When I talk about "joining life" I am really talking about simple things.....typical toddler things....nothing earth shattering. This past year I have resisted going to many birthday parties or taking classes. I don't think we were really ready for the stimulation. I had a few babysitters, but really found myself content staying in on weekend nights. I waited so long to nest that it was a relief to put A to bed and take care of things at home. Not to mention, that I was just too tired to go out.

Now things are changing, and it brings up a mixed bag of feelings for me. In many ways it is wonderful being out there doing what most other parent and toddlers are doing. We started swimming lessons and doing the b-day party circuit. A approaches so much with gusto that it is really rewarding to expose her to new things. It is fun to do these things together. It is so much of what I dreamed about in becoming a parent. But it also brings up a lot of insecurity.

The insecurity comes in at two different levels for me. First is the normal parent insecurity stuff where you compare (even though you try not to) to what other kids are able to do and how the parents do their "job". I am finding myself much more self conscious about being a single mom and a mom of child from a different culture, as I start to see us in others eyes. All the things I thought about intellectually seem different when in "real life", than when my focus was helping us both adjust to our new life. The second layer is more about adopting a toddler and playing catch up on the parenting experience learning curve. There are a lot of things I just don't know yet, whether it be birthday party or play date etiquette, or how to find out about different classes and events. They may seem like silly little things, but I hate feeling incompetent. I unrealistically think I should just know what everyone else knows. I forget they had 3 years of living to learn what they know. I feel like I just entered 3rd grade without attending first and second to accumulate knowledge. I trust, though, that some of this feeling will fall away quickly, while other parts of it just go with the "job".

In the meantime, I am also working to make some adult only social plans and making a life that is a little more balanced. It's strange to feel so tired, so insecure and so content all at the same time. Never thought I would enjoy feeling insecure, but I'd much rather feel a little pain and be able to travel along the learning curve, than feel the pain of longing that I felt for so long for this part of my life to begin.

Vacation

2009-05-03T12:07:00.006-06:00

Just got back from a week in Hilton Head with my parents, brother and niece. We had a really great trip. This was our first family vacation beyond a weekend away and I must say that it was really different than the trips I have taken as a single person. Getting packed was not so easy, as it took a more mental energy and organization, than packing for myself. Beyond the things we needed to bring, it was getting those things packed in a way that was manageable for me alone at the airport with a almost 3 year old in tow. that I found most challenging. Then there was the car seat issue to think about. Gratefully, a friend turned me on to a seat that folds up (and is light to carry) into an easy carrying case that can be checked at the airport. This made the cab to and from the airport and having a rental car very manageable, even though it took time to install and un-install at each leg of the process. A was a trooper with the traveling part of the trip. As luck would have it we had a very long ways to walk at the airport for a 6:30 am flight, and she just went with the flow even though I could see how tired she was.

Once we arrived at our beautiful destination I started to experience the positive parts of traveling as a mom. Sure, it was the first vacation I actually came home more tired than when I left, but watching this new world of experiences through my daughters eyes made it all worthwhile. For the first few days in the pool and at the ocean, A had the death grip going around my neck, but by the end of our trip, she went in the water with her grandparents and would move far enough away from my body (being held) that she could move her arms and legs as if she were swimming. The hotel had these water spouts by the pool that the kids could run through and play. A quickly found joy in straddling the water as it came out of the ground. Many of the little girls seemed to gravitate towards this area, lol. The adults walking by all would get silly grins on their faces as they noticed the fascination with this experience. In addition to lots of pool and beach time, we went to a petting farm, went dolphin watching (and actually saw some), had s'mores, and just explored the area. It was my first time there, and I would definitely go back.

A had great bonding time with her grandparents and her 6 year old cousin. Usually, she only gets to see them for short periods of time, as they live in another state. This extended visit really allowed the relationships to blossom in new ways. Watching this happen brought me much joy. Before becoming a mom, I don't think I realized how cool this would be to observe. A imitated everything her older cousin did, and would run with such gusto to greet her grandparent each morning. It makes me choke up as I try to describe the love I observed happening between them all. I still can't help but thinking about A's first two years of life and the difference between then and now. She has always been joyful, but watching her trust and lean into the love, rather than away from it, is so powerful to watch. Not to mention, watching the joy in my parents faces as this unfolds.

It's not just A that is different. I, too, am seeing changes in myself. I have had wonderful opportunities to travel in my life and have really enjoyed those experiences. Over the past 5 years, though, these experiences had started to be accompanied by a bit of emptiness.... a missing piece. I had longed for a family - husband and child - and as wonderful of a time I was having, nothing could make up for what I longed for. While I still felt the yearning for a "Mr. Right", being there with A felt enriching in a new way. I didn't have the freedom to go for cocktails or whatever whim opportunity that came my way. The dining we did was much less than "fine". I was in for the night by 8:30 every night. But, none of this really mattered to me. I felt peace and calm right there in the moment. That feeling generalizes to the rest of my non-vacation life, too. As many fears and doubts I had going into this road of single motherhood, this sense of peace I have discovered though the connection with this little soul makes it all so worthwhile. There are always days that I can't wait until bedtime to get a break from the intensity of paying attention and dealing with the rapidly changing moods and demands of a toddler, but when I look at her sleeping or have that snuggling time in the morning, that peace and happiness flows over me again. So while I watch A learn to lean into love, I see myself also relax into the moment.

While the experience of adoption, motherhood and single motherhood is not all rainbows and unicorns, taking time to really appreciate the good feelings is so important. This is all such hard work. Sometimes when in it - the day in and day out stuff - it is hard to step back and see the whole picture. For me, this vacation allowed me to sit back and observe in ways that brought that big picture back to focus.

Tomorrow my little girl will be 3, so I am sure another post will soon follow.

inching towards milestones

2009-04-19T18:29:00.003-06:00

A is going to be 3 in a few weeks, I can hardly believe it. I know there is a pretty wide range for for when kids reach certain milestones in toddlerhood, but A seems so young to me in many ways. When I met her at 25 months she temporarily regressed in many areas, but it wasn't long before I was able to see that she was actually in pretty good shape developmentally. Her speech was very delayed, which I expected, but she was pretty close to on target with her gross and fine motor skills according to her EI evaluations. As I have talked about in previous posts, emotionally, A has really come a long way, but that has taken a lot of work.

Over the past 10.5 months, my focus and concern has been about attachment and A's growing sense of safety and permanency. We have been working hard at speech, which is SLOWLY coming along, but otherwise have not pushed areas of development that are typically the focus of 2-3 year olds. I chose to keep A in the 2 year old room at daycare, rather than moving her into the 2.5 year old class. I wanted her to get really comfortable there and let her be, rather than moving her up with her peers. I deliberated over this for a while, but in the end chose this route knowing that A's real growth seems to come when she really gets settled, vs in that hypervigilant mode of adapting to change. I wanted her to get a chance to really learn some of the things she was exposed to earlier, but didn't really sink in. I wanted to give her a chance to be the older and more competent, rather than the one playing catch up. The downside is that, while her attachment is good, she still seems emotionally younger than her peers. I don't know if this is related to having lived in an orphanage setting (even if it was better than many) or because I tend to hold her back too much.

It's not just daycare that I have held her back some. A still sits in a high chair (easier for me) and is still in a crib (which I think she likes). And then there is potty training, which I will get into more in a bit. I am sensing that it is time to make some change, but find myself scared of overwhelming her, so I delay. I have a plan with the director of A's daycare to move her into the preschool on June 1st. That feels right in my gut, so will move ahead with this. But the other pieces, I just don't know.....I have purchased a big girl bed, but it is not yet in our condo. She likes being babied, yet is clearly showing signs of being ready for more independence. Her speech has taken off (in a still very delayed kind of way). I see my girl growing before my eyes, yet I worry about the role I should take in helping her along...

A has shown no interest in potty training at home, even though we have all the DVDs, books and pink potty ready to go. She loves to watch and read, but never wants to sit. I have avoided power struggling and getting anxious about it, as my mantra has been "attachment is the most important task of this first year". At school A sits on the potty 4 times a day, and has for many months, but NEVER puts anything in it. Peer pressure is great on the sitting, but I haven't been sure if A even understands you are supposed to put something in there. This week she surprised us all by peeing in the potty at school for the first time. Her teacher was so excited, she called me at work to tell me. I, of course, had a heart attack when the call from daycare came on my cell. I thought for sure there was an emergency when I saw it come up on my caller ID. I was in the middle of a session, but took the call as my heart was in my throat. Learning the true reason for the call was a total crack up (and obvious relief) that I had to share the nature of the "emergency" with my client. Anyway, I was so excited, we had a special cake after dinner and did the snoopy dance with wild abandon. Of course, she hasn't wanted to even sit since then.

This weekend we had an adventure with A's Fairy God Uncles (FGUs). It was one of their birthdays and we had an extravagant overnight stay downtown. We rode in a Limo and stayed at a 5 star hotel. My friends got an additional room for our babysitter (A's favorite teacher from daycare, who recently left) so the adults could do a spa day and fancy dinner. A had a blast, and her lucky mama did too. This morning while having yummy room service with the FGUs, A started doing the I'm about to poop lean. My friend asked her if she wanted to poop on the potty. I just about dropped my jaw when she said yes. I took her to the very fancy bathroom of the FGUs suite, and sat her down. Within a minute, she did it. If I didn't see the evidence, I would have never believe that this kid did it. So, her first poop on the potty was at a 5 star hotel. My girl has class! I'm guessing, though, she will not have a repeat performance tomorrow.

I share these stories to do bit of a proud mama brag, but also to sort things through. I continue to question if A has been more ready for taking steps than I have allowed myself to see, or is she going through a developmental growth spurt? I worry that my being so methodical, analytical, and a bit controlling, has the potential to hold her back, and I would never want to do that. On the other hand, maybe I am just thinking too much. For whatever reason, I totally understood my role in the attachment process, yet am feeling insecure about the balance of leading and following with the next round of steps. I suspect I will muddle through, as we all do, and figure it out as we go. It's just that the road map I was using just got a bit confusing.

Transition

2009-04-05T18:48:00.004-06:00

**** update 4/7/09 photo added.

Even though I have been home with A for ten months now, we just had her Welcoming Party / Baby Naming at my Temple last night. When I first got home, this was something I had hoped to do sooner, but for a variety of reasons, Friday was the best fit available to us. What I didn't know then is that the timing of this would end up feeling perfect. The past 10 months have been about so much transition. There have been so many medical appointments, settling into daycare, getting a social security number, early intervention evaluations, a re adoption, conversion and post-placement reports. My head spins when I look at the check list of all there was to accomplish this first year. I also feel we have both come through the other side of the biggest part of the emotional adjustments to our new life together as mother and daughter, and we are now both really bonded to one another. A has met and grown comfortable with so many people in our village, no longer the scared clingy little girl she was many months ago. She is really thriving and I am feeling like I am getting the hang of this new way of being in the world. So, the timing of this "welcoming" party was just perfect, as in many ways we are now beginning our new life on a very different level than 10 months back.

I decided to have A's baby naming at my Temple as a part of a typical Shabbat (Friday night) service. Over my time of waiting, I had all these romantic and creative notions about how I would want to do this, but with all that went into this past 10 months, I frankly didn't have the energy to create something meaningful from scratch. I worked with my Rabbi to mold the service to fit my hopes and was thrilled that it ended up being the Friday night before the start of Passover, as the sermon planned was all about "finding freedom from all which enslaves us". Passover is really a story about making change, transition, and freedom. All felt so fitting for our journey into becoming a family.

So many of our family and friends were able to join us for this celebration service and Oneg (social gathering after the service). I tried to incorporate a few Chinese themes into the oneg by having Red Egg and Ginger flower arrangements and decorations. Also, I never did a 100 Good Wishes Quilt, so I decided to ask each guest to write a wish for A, that I will eventually put into a scrapbook for her. My adaptation of the traditions ended up coming together pretty well.

I am so pleased with the way the service went. I chose two Hebrew names for my daughter. From the moment I met A, I regularly described her as having a joyful spirit. I wanted a name which captured her essence, so I chose the name Aliza, which means joyful or joyous one. Her second name is Perel, which is Yiddish meaning Pearl. This name is in memory of my grandmother who passed away a few weeks ago (Jewish tradition to name after the deceased). Midway through the service the Rabbi called us up and he blessed A and shared some special thoughts in front of the community. He put his hands on her head and she bowed her head, as if she seemed to understand exactly what was happening. It was really precious. She was so charming and well behaved, especially since it was way past her bedtime (except when she threw a prayer book at the Cantor during the service, oops).

After the Rabbi was finished with A, I read a prayer that I found, which totally captured all that I wanted to say on this special day. It was written by Rabbi Sandy Sa*sso. I wanted to share my adaptation of it with you, as I know many of your will appreciate reading it.

"I have been blessed with the precious gift of this child. After so much waiting and wishing, I am filled with wonder and gratitude as I call you my daughter. My daughter, my child, you have grown to life apart from me, but now I hold you close to my heart and cradle you in my arms with love. I welcome you into the circle of my family and embrace you with the beauty of a rich tradition.

I pledge myself to the creation of a Jewish home and to a life of compassion for others, hoping you will grow to cherish and emulate these ideals.

God of new beginnings, teach me to be a mother worthy of this sacred trust of life. May my daughter grow in health. May she be strong in mind, kind in heart, and a seeker of peace. Bless us together beneath your shelter of peace, and grant my new family, always, the harmony and love I feel today."

I walked away from Friday night feeling blessed beyond words. I have an amazing daughter, felt the power of being surrounded by loving family and friends, and was able to really take in the words and meaning of a tradition that is important to me (as I am no longer numbed out from waiting and transitioning). I look forward to sharing this memory with A when she is older.

I'm a Jewish Mother

2009-03-13T11:35:00.007-06:00

I've always been a bit of a deep thinker. In grade school after reading the "Diary of Ann Frank" I remember thinking a lot about religion, and for the first time, remember feeling somewhat vulnerable about being in a minority group. I couldn't understand why there was so much prejudice and hatred in the name of religion. In my mind, what religion you were depended on the parents you were born to. I was born to Jewish parents, therefore I was a Jew. However, if I had been born to my best friend's parents I would have been Catholic. In my simplistic way of looking at it, I just couldn't make sense of how there could be a "right" and a "wrong" faith, when you came to your particular one by matter of birth. From a young age, to me, religion was more about the family rituals and traditions, than about God.

As I got older, my ability to understand the complexities of it grew, but my core thinking really hasn't much changed. People are people, and we all become a part of the group (by birth or by choice) in which we choose to affiliate. My religion is rich in tradition and ritual, and I love that part. Some of the beliefs, though, do not at all fit who I am.

In my faith your Jewishness is passed through the mother. In simple terms - you are Jewish, if your mother is Jewish. While I will be raising my daughter as a Jew, she is technically not one. I struggle a lot with this issue, as I just don't agree with it or believe it. However, my job is to think of her now and not just what I think "should be". I spent some time talking with my Reform Rabbi about this, and he, too, is very laid back about his definition of who is Jewish. I asked if he thought I should do a formal conversion for my daughter, and he said I didn't need to in his eyes. We discussed the pros and cons. In the reality of my little world, A is Jewish, because I am raising her that way. However, in the larger world, this would not be the case, as we all can confidently assume her birth mother was not Jewish. Knowing that, at some point, she will already face identity issues around adoption, having a single mother, being Asian with a white mother, and cleft related issues, I decided that I never wanted her to ever question if she was "really" Jewish. If she happens to travel in more religious circles or move to Israel she will be Jewish in everyone's eyes if she has been converted. It is also much easier to be converted as a baby, than as an adult. The decision was made to move ahead with a formal conversion and visit to the local Mikvah. If A decides she wants to be a different faith at some other point in her life, that would be OK with me, but for now she will know she will be a member of the Jewish community with no questions asked.

This morning was A's conversion ceremony. To make this official we needed to go to a Mikvah, which is a ritual bath used by Jewish people to celebrate multiple occasions and traditions. Most really observant women go to the Mikvah as they finish their periods each month. The idea behind this is that water is used to mark the space between endings and beginnings, or life and death. Our bodies are comprised of water, so being submerged in water is as close as we come to being holy or one. A was to be submerged in the water to mark the transition from her old life to the birth of her new.

I was given a lot of instruction by the "Mikvah Lady" about how to prepare for this experience once we arrived this morning. We both had to remove anything on our bodies that were not there naturally - no make up, jewelry, nail polish, etc.... We then brushed our teeth (with new toothbrushes) cleaned under our nails and showered. We left the shower dripping wet and wrapped in towels before entering the pool area. I was allowed to wear a bathing suit, as this was not for me, and A was naked. We entered the pool area (small pool about the size of a large hot tub). The water was like bath water, which was nice. There was a little balcony area above where the 3 clergy witnessing the conversion stood, along with a good friend. My Rabbi initiated by giving a small speech of the meaning of this, and then read a prayer. I was then instructed to hold A a certain way and direction and submerge her fully in the water. I was supposed to let go briefly, so she was free of any contact with me. She didn't like that so much. I then recited a prayer (with was thankfully written on the wall of the Mikvah). I was supposed to dunk A two more times, but was given a pass on this in order not to traumatize her. I was then told I could whisper a personal prayer in her ear. I loved that part. Following this, another few prayers were said by the group and then my daughter was officially a Jew. We got out of the pool and went back to the shower area to get dressed. We came out and took a bunch of pictures with the group and went about our day.

All along I had looked at this as a formality I just needed to take. In the end, though, I am so glad we did it, as it was actually quite a nice experience and felt more meaningful than I imagined it would. While the Mikvah Lady was way more into all of this than I could ever imagine being, It was a special thing to share with my little girl. I confess, though, it did take every fiber of my being to not slap her on the forehead and say "you're a Jew" at the end of it. Gotta still keep my sense of humor, you know.

Of course now I realize that if my daughter is a Jew, I am a Jewish mother. Off to work on my guilt techniques....

Monsters under the bed

2009-02-19T12:11:00.005-06:00

I will start with an update to my last post. We met with the Neurologist on Wednesday, and at this point he is going to just consider these seizures to be febrile seizures. We talked about how to manage a seizure if it happens again and the norm of kids growing out of them as they get closer to around age 5. A is probably a little bit more at risk for going on to to develop epilepsy due to the kind of seizure she had and the slight abnormality in her EEG, but unless she has 2 future seizures unrelated to a fever, we will not go there at this this time.

Am I feeling relieved? Absolutely! But, the reality of living in the ambiguity of not knowing if another will occur, and the meaning of it, if it does, still leaves me unsettled. I know the PTSD from the experiences of that day will fade over time, but the *not knowing* certainly complicates it a bit.

I went into this adoption knowing my daughter's medical (birth) history and family medical history was something I knew I would never have. This is another one of those things that you can know intellectually up front, but once you need this information you experience it on a different level. I can guess from the the clear MRI that there was no trauma to her head in delivery or early in life. The rest of the info. that would help with making better guesses about the future is just not there. Both of the monsters now back in their hiding places under my bed (epilepsy and the other issue I mentioned) are more likely if a family member has these disorders. In fact, one of them is highly genetic. Knowing this information still wouldn't tell me the future, but would certainly tell me if she is at higher or lower risk. Add that to sitting in ambiguity.

As I have been reflecting on all of this, I am gaining a new appreciation for the amount of sitting in ambiguity that is involved with being a parent (probably just with being a human being). There are a lot of scary things out there in the world, and more scary medical things that could crop up than any of us can count. Being a parent means figuring out how to live with a healthy amount of denial. If we don't, we will only drive ourselves and our children crazy. Some people are better at learning this skill (defense mechanisms) than others. I am one who has always mastered the anxiety that goes with "the bad things out there" by becoming overly prepared for anything that "could" happen. This defense mechanism / style just can't do the job right now. I can be as prepared as I can be, but that doesn't mean "bad" things won't happen. It has always just been an illusion of control, but it helped me through. I suspect that all new parents have to grapple with this issue at some point. There is never a good time for bad things to happen, but must say that I have been in such a steep learning curve mode with so many things related to becoming a parent, that the task of sitting in this feels all the harder. My skills and confidence as a mom are growing strong, but still fragile. Being a single mom, I think makes it a bit more challenging, as I am the one alone in the dark room at night when the presence of those monsters under the bed creep into my consciousness. Staying focused on the facts I know NOW is key to getting through the night.

In the meantime......I'm buying myself a dust ruffle.

Motherhood is not for the weak!

2009-02-16T17:57:00.007-06:00

I've been debating writing this entry for the past few weeks, due to my wanting to keep A's life as private as possible and keep this blog mostly about my own inner musings. I have decided, though, that this blog is anonymous enough to go ahead with this entry because, frankly, I could use the therapy of writing about life over the past 2 weeks.

For several weeks A had been sick AGAIN with a cough that wouldn't go away. Started out sounding a bit like croup, but ended up just being a garden variety winter cough. By the end of her second week the cough changed to the hacking kind that kept her (us) up all night because it was just non-stop. After the 2nd night of no sleep I took her in for a Saturday morning sick visit at the pediatrician. The doctor (not our usual one) checked her out, said it would just take time and sent us on our way. We ran to Tr*der Joe's and off to a car wash before heading home to be low key for the weekend. There was a line at the car wash since it was the first day above freezing around here in ages. We waited in line, I chatted on the cell phone and fed A vege. chips while she sat in her carseat. After the 3rd chip she refused more (unusual for my kid, who LOVES food). As I looked back again I saw her begin to go into a full blown grand mal seizure.

I hung up on my friend and dialed 911 as I ran around to the back seat of the car. She just kept seizing as I begged the 911 operator to get help to this gas station ASAP. Her lips turned blue as she stopped convulsing. I have no idea how I had enough wits about me to know she was safe in the car seat and then that I needed to take her out after she stopped to make sure her airway was open. I carried my limp baby in circles by my car while waiting for EMS to show up. All the other gas station and car wash patrons were just going about their business while I waited with tears streaming down my face. The five minutes felt like hours, but luckily they showed up quickly. The put A in the truck and put her on oxygen. They tested her blood and asked me a whole bunch of questions. They asked permission before cutting her out of her clothes (like I would have said no). She wasn't responding to me or their voices, but responded to pain. That was good, right? I must have asked that question 100 times each time they shared a fact or observation. She had a fever of 102.5 the guys said it could very well be the cause of the seizure. I worried it wasn't high enough to cause that, so didn't relax much with that knowledge, even though I knew about febrile seizures. All I kept thinking was that I needed to have someone meet me at the ER, I couldn't be alone. It was almost a compulsive thought. I wanted them to shut up long enough for me to call someone, I just couldn't focus. I don't remember the ambulance ride. I do remember worrying if my car would be OK at the gas station. Strange thought process.

We went to the closest ER that had a pediatric department. Not the system where my doctors are, but a hospital where I worked for 5 years a while back. They took us to the back right away and began doing a bunch of things, but I have no clue what. I wanted to be there for her, but she was totally out of it. I still kept obsessing about when I could call my friend to come and meet us. I stood by A's head on one side, while they worked started to hook her up to monitors on the other. One nurse commented on the other's nice haircut as I looked at A's face. A fixed stare and rigid body - all I could think is that she was either dead or brain dead. I interrupted the hair talk (unfuckingbelievable) screaming what is wrong with her, she isn't responding, what is wrong.... the nurse turns and says calmly, she is having another seizure. This one looked so different. She was just frozen. My 8 short months with A flashed before my eyes. I really believed at that moment that life, as I was just getting to know it, was now over. Luckily that moment didn't last for too long before someone started to explain to me what was happening. Once she was "stable", all the labs needed to be collected were complete, they let me hold my limp and listless little girl. She was asleep, but OK. We needed to wait to figure out the next step.

I finally called my best friend G but no answer. The poor guy probably had 30 missed calls from me on his cell and one crying hysterically message saying where we were. I initially couldn't think outside of the box to call someone else. Just kept calling G over and over. Crazy, really. Finally it occurred to me to try another friend. I got my good friend's husband, as she was at a conference. He volunteered to find a sitter for their daughter and come over right away. He spent 7 hours with us at the ER. A was in and out until they decided to give her IV fluids. She was so angry it took both of us to hold her down for the time it took to hydrate her. I can't even express how helpful it was to have him with us. About $5,000 later (just got the bill they sent to insurance) they said she had influenza A (even though got the flu shot) and wanted to send us home to get a follow up EEG and MRI as outpatients.

I was terrified to take her home. The fact that she had a second seizure put her in the "atypical" category for febrile seizures. Additionally, there was a surprise "issue" that came up on our first pediatric visit home from China that put a question of a major neurological issue out there. Don't want to talk about that here or now, but all was checked out and put to rest (or at least on the back burner) back in the summer. This seizure episode opened Pandora's box back up. I was beside myself with fear. I am someone who always needs to be prepared for things, this caught me so off guard that I was terrified of how to proceed. As much as hospitals aren't the best place to be, I somehow felt reassured that someone else was monitoring her and it wasn't all on me. Reluctantly, I took her home, with a plan to follow up with the pediatrician in the morning. Stopped by the pharmacy and paid $100 (after insurance) for what looks like a caulking gun of Valium to shoot up her butt if she had another seizure lasting more than 3 minutes, and enough Tylenol and Motrin to give every 3-4 hours for the next few days. How was I ever going to sleep again?????

Some wonderful friends picked up my car and brought in the groceries that had been sitting in the trunk all day. My friend G finally answered his phone and spent some time with me at home while I sat shell shocked trying to decide between a glass of wine or a xanax. I opted for the drugs. The doctor saw her in the morning (the same one we saw the day before) who minimized things, yet handed me a 30 page print out of that scary neurological disorder I didn't want to think about. What was he trying to tell me?????? I put it away. I already was in total PTSD mode, I couldn't handle much more. He gave me the referrals for the EEG and MRI and sent us on our way. Spoke with OUR pediatrician the next day who was wonderful and calming. Thank GOD!!!! She apologized for her colleague, who is a geneticist who loves opportunities to teach. JFC!

Vigilance for the past few weeks hardly describes what it has been like for me. Being a single mom felt especially hard, as there is no break from the watching and worry. Thank goodness my mom came for the weekend. It was so nice to share the burden for a while. It was nice to take a shower long enough to shave my legs. Once A was feeling better, she was her usual happy-go-lucky self. I could feel her starting to play me as I would freak a little each time she would stare off in space too long. She is a smart little girl. I know better, but couldn't help myself until I knew what was going on. I gave myself permission to be a little neurotic (ok crazy) until I spoke with the neurologist at the end of all of this (2/18).

A was an amazing trooper for the EEG. She let them hook up a ton of electrodes on her head and fell asleep when she needed to. The results came back with a minor abnormality. A little more freaking out. Still a chance it could have been a febrile seizure, though, but also a chance could be something else. The MRI was today. Again, she was a champ! Ok, a mean, nasty, drunk after anesthesia champ, but did really well considering. The doctor called to say that the MRI was clear. THANK YOU UNIVERSE OR GOD OR WHOMEVER! Now we just wait to meet with the Neurologist and figure out what he thinks is going on and what (if anything) we can do about it. My worst fears, though, have been taken off the table.

I am hoping to start to relax a bit more soon. I'm not kidding about the PTSD thing. I get flashbacks and the littlest move in A's sleep sets my heart racing. I think it will just take time. Wednesday will be the one year anniversary of seeing her picture for the first time. "Funny" timing to be meeting with the doctor on that day. As stressed as I have been, what has gotten me though is the thought of gratitude I have that this all happened for A when she had a mommy to care for her. No matter what the outcome, she has a mommy who totally loves her and will move heaven and earth to make sure she has what she needs.

Eight Months Home

2009-01-28T13:18:00.003-06:00

I can't believe that next week A will have been home for 8 months. So much has happened during these months. I feel the need to share in bullet post form - mostly for me to be able to look at it and digest it all. While I am in love with A and with being a mom, I still find myself looking at her and thinking about her being my "adopted" daughter and not just my "daughter". I know that I don't love her any differently than I would love a biological child, but that extra word (concept) sneaking into my consciousness bothers me. I hope to always honor her culture and heritage, as well as, talk as freely about her adoption as she needs to. I don't wish to ever have amnesia about the fact that A was adopted because it is an important part of her history and an important part of OUR history. But, at some point, I just hope to shed that extra part that adds how she came to be my daughter when I think of her, look at her, or love on her. I talked about shedding the weight of waiting, but now want to shed this other lingering part. It mostly shows up as gratitude that I have her, which isn't a bad thing, but is still an extra layer (even though a small one) that stands between us. I know this is probably all part of adjustment process and that being home 8 months is not really all that long of a time in the grand scheme of things. I am curious if others notice the same thing.

Over the past 8 months:
* We have gone from A sleeping on me, to holding my hand while I sleep on the floor below her crib, to her falling asleep while I gradually (every 2 weeks) sit a bit further away, to putting her to sleep and leaving the room.
* A has gone from being able to speak 2 words to a vocabulary of about 60.
* Had one false start at a daycare center I didn't care for, but now separates easily each morning and seems to be thriving at her current place.
* A has had 4 pediatrician "well" visits and 3 "sick" visits.
* She has gained 6 lbs and grown 2.5 inches.
* A is now caught up on all her vaccinations and has had 2 significant blood draws in her little arm.
* She has seen a Pediatric Opthalmologist, Dermatologist, had ear tubes put in, an ENT visit, and 2 full day evaluations with her Cleft Team.
* A had a kidney ultrasound to make sure she wasn't impacted by the tainted milk in China.
* She was evaluated by Early Intervention and has received weekly speech therapy for the past 4 months.
* A has been to MI 3 times for a visit with family.
* She went to court for her re adoption.
* We have had 2 post placement meetings with our Social Worker.
* She celebrated many new holidays for the first time and has met more people than I can count.
* She has become a member of a great community of kids from China with single mom's and another of single mom's with adopted kids from all over.
* A has had a few babysitters and is now only crying 50% of the entire time, rather than the whole time until she passes out. AND her mom is getting a little better with trusting that it will all be OK while she is out. The guilt still persists, though.
* In the next few months she will have a formal conversion (to Judaism) ceremony (more on that later) and a Naming/ Welcoming ceremony at my Temple.

No wonder why I am so tired! I'm sure there are many more things that have gone on and there are a ton of milestones she has reached during this time, but these are the ones most present on my mind. Now, as I look at this list, I am thinking about how many of these events have to do with A being adopted vs her being 2 years old. Maybe this is the key to why the adoption part stays so present on my mind. Maybe as we get closer to starting year two home, and put so many of these initial things behind us, A will move more clearly into just "daughter", rather than "adoptive daughter".

Baby steps, John, baby steps

2009-01-20T11:32:00.002-06:00

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today........

Imagine there's no counties

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace.....

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world.....

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

~ John Lennon

I love the sense of hope that is felt today. It's been a long time.....

Cheers to new beginnings.....L'Chaim

Shedding the wait

2009-01-02T15:00:00.006-06:00

This is the first new year in a very long time that I have felt truly content. It's not that I have been "unhappy" for years, as nothing is either all good or all bad, it's just that there has been something getting in the way of my feeling more peaceful. While I have generally been able to appreciate so many wonderful aspects of my life, I have found it hard to ignore the missing pieces. The piece holding the largest presence over the past 5-8 years has been being a mom. I realize now that this started way before I began to calculate how many LIDs between the current referrals and my log in date.

I've made reference to this in several recent posts, but need to state it again, and to state it here more clearly. This past month I have become much more aware of how the weight of waiting to become a mom has impacted me. I decided to adopt in late February of 2005, and was logged in 5/9/06. Other than a brief period of elation and sense of empowerment after making this decision, and again when becoming "paper pregnant", my biggest memory of the process until meeting my daughter was that of waiting. So many times over those 3 years I vowed to "live" vs "wait". Each time I did my best to make my gratitude lists, join things, travel, etc... but that aching and yearning was always there casting a shadow on my light. Now, on the other side of it, I realize that this darkness began much earlier than watching and feeling the uncertainty mounting all around as CCAA wait times lengthened. It really started as I moved through my 30s without an eligible husband in sight. As my biological clock ticked, the desperation grew. The panic had so much less to do with getting married, than having the option of becoming a mom. The more anxious I grew, the more I unconsciously limited myself from really finding a suitable mate. The shadow was slowly shading the part of me that was really effervescent and alive. My desire to become a mom was getting in the way of the very thing I wanted. I see this now.

It took a while after A's adoption for me to really start feeling this relief, as I was really too shell shocked to feel much other than overwhelmed those first few months. However, as the months went by and I went from surviving to thriving, I started to notice that "no longer waiting" often made it to my weekly gratitude lists. Now 7 months home, and totally, utterly in love with my girl, I see it all clearly. I used the song lyrics "I can see clearly now the rain has gone" to introduce my referral to my blog buddies back in the spring. What I see today is that it took a while for all the fog to rise once the rain had stopped. Never in my life have I felt so at peace. Sure, being a single mom is hard. But the unrest that comes with the yearning and waiting has finally settled. Nothing feels urgent any longer.

As many people are making their New Year's resolutions, I am looking at releasing certain burdens that I have carried with me for too long. I still hope to marry and share my life with a partner, but the energy that goes with this hope is now very different. Maybe this will be the year I will meet my husband/A's dad. Or maybe it won't.

Belly Buttons

2008-12-14T20:40:00.002-06:00

From time to time I have thought about my daughter's birth mother /family. Each time I did though, it was more in an intellectualized way, than an emotional one. I have wanted to be curious about her/them. I have wanted to feel grateful. I wanted to be curious as to how they felt about abandoning her. I have wanted to feel SOMETHING, but in all honesty, I have not. I have felt like I was supposed to feel something powerful towards this person who gave birth to my amazing daughter. While I waited for my referral I cried every time I read the poem about the two mothers. Now that I am a mom, A's mom, I feel this strange disconnect each time I think about who brought her into this world. When I think of her past, all that comes to mind is the people who raised her for the greater part of her first two years.

Tonight this all changed. It actually caught me a little off guard. I was rocking A as a part of our nightly bedtime ritual and I looked down at her cute little belly. I have looked at, tickled, and kissed this belly over a thousand times over the past six months, but this was the first time I REALLY looked at her belly button. That disconnection changed in a flash. I found myself near tears as I wondered about who cut the cord and what that moment of birth was like. I wondered how her mother felt about her while she was pregnant and how she felt about her being born a girl. A was born with a cleft lip and palate. I wondered about her parents first thoughts as they looked at her little face. If she had been born a girl, but without this birth defect, would they have chosen to keep her? Did they choose not to keep her because they couldn't afford to care for and treat this issue, or did they believe some old crazy myth about what may have caused this?

As I let my mind wonder more, I felt a mix of anger and sadness towards them. Looking at my daughter's beautiful smile makes me wonder what they would think if they could see her today. I wonder if they have regrets about abandoning her at 4 days old. What were those first 4 days like? Did they deliberate over this decision or did they know right away that they would not raise her? If they saw her face today would it change the way they felt? Would it lead to or add to the regret, or would they feel relieved that she was well cared for and hopeful about her future? A has such a wonderful and joyful spirit about her, which I truly believe is innate. Does she take after anyone in her biological family? I suspect that if she does, I would really like them. I have never before considered if I would like them as people.

We all have to face the day when we start talking with our children about their birth parents. I have rattled around ideas of what I will say since long before meeting A for the first time. Until tonight, though, I don't think these people really existed before in my mind beyond a concept. Looking at that belly button made her biological mother so real. That little hole in A's belly was once part of the cord which attached her to another human being. It was the source of all the nutrients that allowed her to safely grow and develop for 9 months. It will forever be a symbol that another woman gave A life and will forever have a presence in our family. I am grateful to finally start to FEEL this, as I feel I owe my daughter an authentic response when the day the conversation with her begins.

What's up with that?

2008-12-09T12:55:00.003-06:00

Having a 2.5 year old is kind of interesting. One never knows just who will be showing up or quite how to please. As I have mentioned, A seems to be really settling in to her new life with me. With that comes the emergence of what I think is typical two year old behavior, rather than just being good girl all the time. One of her favorites is playing deaf. Lucky for me, time outs work really well. If I get to #3 in counting, she knows she gets a time out and will generally just walk to the spot and sit down. I find it kind of cute that she hasn't yet figured out that she can resist this. I am hoping I am not jinxing myself by writing this.

The hardest part of this stage is the "nothing can please me moments". A is afraid of her Talking Elmo doll. She asks for him to be closer, yet when I move him she gets afraid and shakes her head no. When I am changing her diaper she points and mumbles her version of "take me to the potty". When I ask if she wants to go sit on the potty, she shakes her head up and down and says "yah, yah, yah". I reach to take her down from the changing table and she shakes her head "no, no, no". Which one is it????? When she is tired or wakes up the middle of the night this is 20 times worse. A motions she wants me to put her blanket over her, yet when I do, she throws it off and freaks out. I take it off, she then freaks out that she wants it on. She becomes inconsolable and neither blanket on nor off will make it right. The same for wanting water when she wakes up. She point to the cup, I give it to her she pushes it away. As soon as I take it away she gets upset and points to the cup. This process riles her up so much that the only thing I can do is sit and watch the thrashing meltdown. It looks as if someone is possessing her body. As soon as it ends she smiles, wants a hug and a cuddle. Am I raising Sybil or is this just "2"?

The upside to this age is the wonderful curiosity. A is interested in just about everything. She is very observant and really doesn't miss a thing. Makes it hard to sneak anything by her, that's for sure. The other day she was sitting on my lap (facing me) on the glider and we were just having a nice quiet moment. After about 5 minutes she sits up, looks down at my chest and puts a hand on each boob. She keeps them there for a moment and then brings her hand to her own chest and only finds flatness. She seemed quite perplexed by this. She has seen me naked many times, but this was the first time she acknowledged my body or seemed curious about it. I say she is observant, because I am on the smaller side when it comes to bra size, so they aren't particularly obvious to her as she leans up against me. I guess unless you compare to her little girl flatness. Last night she took the curiosity a bit further and wanted to see down my shirt. It is so interesting to me to see all this unfold.

A few weeks ago A squealed in delight that the snow was falling. When it accumulated on the ground, though she became fearful of it. She doesn't like to get dirty, so the only thing I can figure is that she equates the snow on the ground (and on her boots) with mud. Will have to work on this one, otherwise we will be in for a very long and not very fun winter.

So little Miss A is keeping me on my toes. She makes me feel totally overjoyed and totally inadequate all at the same time. I guess that is what motherhood is all about!

lucky me, poor me, lucky me

2008-12-02T21:09:00.009-06:00

Thanksgiving with the family was really nice. I loved being there as a mom and not having to spend yet another year explaining why I was STILL waiting for a child. I was able to enjoy the pleasure of witnessing my daughter squeal with delight as she played with her cousins and totally soaked up all the gushing about A's infectious giggle and sweet disposition. Again, so much to be thankful for this year!

On the flip side of all the gratitude I felt, a bit of a pity party emerged for me over the weekend. A has had a terrible cough for 5 weeks. We had been to the doctors twice, and since her lungs and ears were clear I was told that we just had to wait it out. Cough medicine is a thing of the past for the little ones. The problem with this kind of cough is the sleep deprivation. A moved back and forth between a deep congested cough where she would wake herself up literally choking on her phlegm and then have a coughing attack ending in her vomiting, to a non-stop hacking cough . The choking/vomiting thing happened over and over for several nights in a row. Finally it started to improve a few days before we left for Thanksgiving. A was a champ walking through the airport (insisting on pulling her own suitcase) and for the first part of our flight. On the descent, however, things changed rapidly. A started to cry and there was nothing I could do that would calm her down. I had become one of those parents with a screaming kid who I dreaded sitting near prior to becoming a mom. I am assuming her ears hurt her due to the residual congestion. I felt terrible for her and powerless to do anything to make it better. Luckily, shortly after we landed A was back to her chipper self. Until bedtime that night....

The coughing, choking, vomiting returned. Neither of us slept much. I called the doctor's office in the morning and the office nurse would not connect me to the doctor on call (jerk) and kept telling me to just go to urgent care where I was. I decided to do it for the peace of mind. Once again, her ears and lungs were clear. The doc in a box agreed to give us an antibiotic, because this had gone on so long and recommended some of the forbidden OTC cough medicine for the flight home to help her ears. We had 2 more bad nights and she finally rounded the corner. The flight home was much better, until we sat on the tarmac for 45 minutes after landing when A proceeded to have a coughing fit and vomit over us both. Thank goodness for those little bags (which we had been decorating with stickers during the flight). I was never so happy to get home as I was that night.

By Sunday A was starting to feel better and I came down with a fever, chills, body aches and the congestion. I knew the day would come where I would have to experience being sick and still having to care for my daughter. Let me just say it was a miserable day for me. Have never been so happy to go to work sick, as I was on Monday. I admit it, I was having a good ole' pity party for myself. Luckily A is a pretty good kid. I spent as much of the day as I could get away with on the couch watching TV. A kept herself occupied and stayed close by. When she stumbled upon something she shouldn't be playing with (phone, remote control, etc...) she pushed a few buttons and then promptly brought it to me and told on herself. At one point she brought me her favorite stuffed pig and tucked in in next to me. I was able to take short breaks from my pity party to appreciate the sweetness of it all. But this was a challenging day because the option of sleeping it off was not there. No matter how great A was being, sometimes you just want to curl up on the couch and tune out the world.

Today I am starting to feel better and A is finally back to herself. She is sleeping soundly right now, yeah, and I am getting caught up on some of the little things that I have let slide recently.

Parent-Teacher Conferences

2008-11-24T21:23:00.003-06:00

This morning I had my first parent-teacher conference at A's daycare center. The idea of it all still makes me kind of giggle. First I giggle at the idea that I am a parent and they are giving me feedback about MY daughter. In some ways I am still stunned that I am really / finally a mom. The second thing that causes me to giggle is the whole idea of the conference. I loved hearing how A is doing, but it struck me as funny listening to all the things they have been measuring in a bunch of 2 year olds. There is such a range of development at this stage of the game - from talking to potty training, gross and fine motor skills to socialization. The teachers shared their observations of A and reported on several different assessments they had conducted. I had no idea they would be doing any of this. One of the things they shard was a list of the kids responses to 5 different questions asked - "What did you do over the weekend?" "What do you like to eat for dinner?" The list of responses resembled a conversation with a group of people with Alzheimers - nothing related to the topic. None of the kids answered the questions asked. My kid's response was always a smile and nod (which they reported as if she had said the most profound thing ever). In fact, her engaging smile and strong non-verbal communication skills are quite effective in getting what she wants and winning over most adults with whom she comes into contact. Unfortunately, this strength is not helping her in the development of her language skills. So, other than talking, A seems to be doing really well. She has really settled in and seems to be blossoming more and more each day. It took a while for her to settle into this new daycare center, but now that she has, I am so glad that we made the switch. As for the conferences, I'm thinking the next one will be a bit more interesting, as I think today was more of a baseline report. Even though I am not taking it totally seriously, at the end of the day I'm glad they did these evaluations.

On the development front, we are taking baby steps toward potty training. I will be thrilled to not change diapers anymore and will be even more thrilled to no longer have to pay for diapers. But the idea of accidents and having to be near a toilet all the time for a while doesn't totally excite me. At this point A will sit on the potty (ok, more like lean on) at daycare, but is terrified of the ones at home. It's like I have asked her if she wants to stick her hand into a meat grinder if I try to get her to sit for a few. We have a few videos that she likes to watch, which I am hoping will increase her curiosity. The problem is that when we watch them I am not able to get the damn songs out of my head for days "Sitting on the Potty" and "Wipe my Bottom" being the two catchiest. OY! Anyway, I am hoping both of us are ready at some point in early January when we are sticking close to the house. Will keep you posted on this process, and in the meantime, I welcome any other catchy song ideas to replace the potty training songs from my brain.

I left A with a babysitter for the first time over the weekend. It was a short trial, hoping to get A comfortable with this college student. It went OK, but not great. I am hoping that A learning that I always come home again through experience will eventually make this an easier process. I am not really itching to have the social life I used to have, but would like the freedom of going out once or twice a month. Not that I can really afford to pay a sitter (the rates are crazy compared to the $1 and hour I used to get) but it would probably be best on my mental health to figure out a way to make it work. Plus, I do hope to date again... someday......

We are going to MI for Turkey Day on Thurs. We will fly, which will be the first time since coming back from China. Hopefully A won't think we are going back there. I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving. I have continued to do my weekly 12 gratitude list for the past 2 years, but this holiday is a chance to do it in a much bigger and more meaningful way. This year I have so much to be grateful for! I am in awe of A and her sparkling personality. I am so lucky to be her mom.

Falling Back

2008-11-03T10:40:00.004-06:00

I used to love daylight savings "fall back" as that extra hour of sleep and of the day was always such a bonus. Yesterday, I was not liking it so much! A decided to get up around 4 am, as to her it was 5am. She typically wakes between 6:15 and 6:45am, but every now and again its around 5, with no reason that I can figure out. Why yesterday had to be one of those awfully early mornings, I have not a clue. But insult to injury was that her little body was not aware that it was now an hour earlier. I thought for sure she would make for it at nap time and give her mommy a break, but NOOOOOOOOOO I only got a lousy 40 minutes from her. Because she was so tired, she was irritable as all get out all day long. By 6pm last night I could swear it was midnight. I really thought the day would never end. Thank goodness it finally did by 7:45pm. Until 10:15pm, that is, when she was up again crying mama, mama, mama, insisting to come to my bed. I admit, I was pretty darn happy to drop her at daycare this morning. She was probably happy to get away from her crabby mommy, too.

Until yesterday it was a wonderful weekend. My parents came to town and for the first time A REALLY bonded with my mom. It was such a relief for me to see that happen. A dressed as a ladybug fairy for her first Halloween. It was a costume that didn't seem to scare her (the stuffed animal types all did) and she looked really quite cute. She picked up on the trick-or-treat thing pretty quickly. She loved going door to door with her little plastic pumpkin. The only thing she couldn't grasp was that she didn't need to give the candy back when someone put it in her pumpkin. Once she realized that she really liked to eat the treats, though, this issue got solved.

On Saturday night I attended the wedding of a good friend and my parents babysat. It was my first real evening out since late May. A did really well, and I felt wonderful being dressed up with other adults having real conversations, drinking and dancing the night away. My friend, the bride, is 53 and got married for the first time. It was quite and inspiration. It was a traditional wedding in many ways, but the tone was different than most of the weddings I have been to for younger folks. It was positive, but very human and real. The vows and the toasts talked about the conflicts and struggles, as well as the dreams. It was more about the importance of friendship and community, than many of the romantic notions typically discussed. It struck me on multiple levels.

Tomorrow A will be 2.5 and we will elect a new president. This will be a truly (hopefully) remarkable day!!!!!!!!!!!

5 months

2008-10-29T20:45:00.002-06:00

A few days ago marked the 5 month anniversary of meeting A for the first time. It certainly feels much better counting and accumulating these months, than it did months of waiting! In so many ways she is already a different kid. She seems to be settling in and is turning out to be a pretty social little person. A still likes to have her mama around, but seems to really like being around other kids and is not shy about jumping in. It is really cool to watch her blossom with each week that passes. As much as it sometimes drives me crazy, it is also cool to watch her be a little spitfire. If you can believe it, she has already figured out how to imitate me and mock me when she is misbehaving and I get upset or try to set limits. Pretty humbling to see this little 2 year old copy my facial expressions and gestures. Sometimes I find myself holding back the laughter, and others wanting to be right there at her same level and power struggle away.

Today we met with the SW to do the 6 month post placement report for China. In my state we had to do a 1 month visit as well, so it was kind of fun to sit down and review all that has changed since the last visit. Of course, it was also nice to have the SW give positive feedback about her observations of the transition and A's attachment to me. I knew all of it already, but it is always nice to be validated.

A few weeks ago something seemed to click inside A's head that resulted in much of the change I have been noting. She started calling me mama pretty early on, but continued to interchange it with "ayi" especially when really tired or upset. This decreased significantly in the past two-three weeks, and she now more clearly calls out to me as "mama" when she needs to be comforted or when she runs to jump into my arms at pick up time from daycare. It has made me wonder a lot about what is going on in her little head. Do you think she gets that a mama and ayi are different? Sure both of our roles are to meet her needs, but do you think she understands that I am forever? When do you think kids who have never had a family start to understand the concept of family? I know she will grasp this all over time, but I can't help but wonder about how she is putting it together right now.

Being a mom is certainly keeping me on my toes. I was fully inducted into motherhood on Sunday when A projectile vomited all over herself, the carseat and the car. I have always been squeamish about vomit, but when you don't have a choice you learn to deal with it pretty quickly. It was gross, but my heart went out to my little girl, just sitting there puking away. Apparently the stomach flu was going around her daycare center. Luckily she didn't get it too severely. Now, if I could only get that damn smell out of my car.

The sleep issues continue to have their ups and downs. I would say that A ends up in my bed for a portion of the night a few nights of the week. I think I am ok with this, for now. What I am not ok with is her waking up at 5:15 in the morning on the weekends. What is that about? And whatever will I do when daylight savings happens this weekend? Naps don't seem to go all that well for us on weekends, either. She often will only sleep for 45 minutes or will sleep in the car between point A and B, and then won't take a nap at home. Those days are killer, as I really need a break sometimes and don't end up getting one. Of course she always sleeps for a full 2 hours at daycare.

Being a single mom is intense. It is hard to be on all the time and I am coming to terms with the idea that I will probably be tired for the next 16 years. With that said, this intensity has it's coolness. The bond is very strong already and I can see that it is something that will continue to grow stronger over time. While I am very tired, I have a feeling of contentment knowing this connection is there, knowing I am A's mom and knowing she is learning to see me as her very own.

Sleep

2008-10-22T11:29:00.007-06:00

I have continued to sleep in my own bed and in my own room. Yay, this is good news! There have been two nights where A woke up, the first I went in her room, held her hand while she fell asleep and then went back to my own bed. The second time things did not go so well and I made a judgement call at 4 something in the morning to bring her into my bed, after trying my well thought out strategy with no success for an hour. It made sense to do this, so we wouldn't lose the rest of the night of sleep, but I was really worried that I would be "creating a monster" by bringing her to my bed. I feared this was the beginning of her sleeping in my bed until she left for college. Co-sleeping is a fine thing for many people, but something I had decided I did not want to do unless it was the only option that worked.

Sleeping is a controversial subject for all parents, as there are so many different philosophies on how to get your kid to sleep. You narrow it down to adoptive parents and the conversation seems to be even more intense, by observation, as the attachment / transition issues are different. People throw out advice freely and it is hard to stay open to others opinions, but learn to trust your own gut based on knowing your own child better than anyone.

As mentioned before, A needed to sleep ON me when we were in China. If she could have climbed inside of me she would have. It was very uncomfortable (for me) and any movement I made to roll her off of me once she was asleep, usually ended in a panic/meltdown later in the night when she discovered she was not on me. I admit it, I power struggled with her some of those nights, as I was just SO tired. When we got home, it was the same routine, but in my bed. Before I left for China, I had planned to have her in her crib and me on an air mattress on the floor of her room, if need be, until she got adjusted to her new surroundings. Once I got home, however, it was clear that there were a few steps needing to happen before she was ready for this. Again, I was so tired, I tried to move a little faster than she was ready, but I quickly learned to listen to my gut and her, rather than my desire to get to the next spot. I remember crying to my friends that I would be ok once I got her to her own crib, as I was so tired and jetlagged. We moved slowly but aggressively that first week. We started with A sleeping on top of me for a few nights, then rolled off of me/but next to me, and then just next to me. Once she was next to me, though, it was clear that she could not handle the wide open space of my queen bed. She became hyper (anxious?) and would never settle down and rest. It was then that I understood that she was ready for the crib. If she wasn't pressed up to my body, she felt anxious when she wasn't contained. We moved that night to her room - A in her crib and me holding her hand on the floor on an air mattress until she fell asleep. I thought this was the greatest thing ever. Until it went on and on and on, that is.

My back started to hurt on the air mattress and A's different noises (in addition to waking up and needing to have her hand held again several times a night) disrupted my sleep. I again started to get anxious to move things along. I went back and forth about the best approach. Many adoptive parents were insistent that I should sleep this way until she let me know she was ready for the next step. My fear was that she never would be ready. Several months ago I settled on the idea of holding A's hand while she fell asleep, sneaking out (which I had been doing successfully for months) and sleeping on the couch in the next room. When she woke up, I would go in and pat her back and calm her, and then leave again (rather than retire to the mattress for the night). Each time I would stretch the time away (with her crying) by 3-5 minutes, hoping she would eventually fall asleep. My pediatrician encouraged this plan, reminding me that nobody ever died from crying and that my daughter was showing clear signs of attachment during the day. She told me that with a 2 year old to expect this could take as long as about 3 weeks before she adjusted to the new plan. I tried it for 3 really long nights. While I thought it was a good plan, I realized, AGAIN, that I was ready and A was not. She pretty much stayed in her crib (not always crying) just watching the door. She would flip over into sleep mode when I came in, only to start crying again as I left. I watched her on the monitor and this waiting and hypervigilance broke my heart. She could stay up all night doing this. When I finally decided to go back to the air mattress and hand holding, she would check every 5 minutes that I was still there, even though I was holding her hand. I was making her more anxious. The timing was not right.

This last time I knew it was right to sleep in my own bed since A had slept through the night with with me in her room for 4 nights in a row. My going to my own room instead of hers was not a really obvious transition to her, as she wasn't waking up noticing I was gone until morning. She had become more relaxed. It is funny, I thought she was relaxed before, but only with this shift, do I see that she really wasn't. In the morning she wakes up, calls for me and is chipper when I come in. She seems unphased by this change. A few nights go she did wake up and I did go back to the 5 minutes of crying thing. It just didn't work. As I mentioned before, I had to really try to tune into my gut this time and make a plan. Taking A to my bed seemed ok. While she wants to be with me, she really doesn't seem to prefer my bed. Let's hope it stays that way.

One of the nuggets I have learned about sleep is that kids do tend to wake up in the night. If they need something to get them to fall asleep (a binkie, a stuffed animal, my hand) chances are they will require this to fall back asleep if they wake up in the middle of the night. Naps seem to be a different beast (she sleeps fine at daycare). My long term plan is to help her learn to soothe herself and be able to leave the room with her still awake, rather than her needing me for soothing and doing the dance of avoiding the squeaky floorboard each night as I sneak out. (No transitional object seems to work since she throws everything out of her crib at night.) Friday, I plan on deflating the air mattress and sitting in a rocking chair next to the crib while I hold her hand until she sleeps. I hope to gradually move the chair away after a few weeks, so she can still see me, but no hand holding. I hope to very gradually move closer to the door, and eventually leave with her awake. I am, more realistically planning this over a 2 month period, vs a few nights. It seems gradual IS the key here. Keep your fingers crossed that by our 6 month anniversary home this is worked out.

My daughter knows the Macarena?

2008-10-15T12:36:00.004-06:00

Kind of strange to be at a birthday party with your child and notice she seems to know what to do when the Macarena comes on and you know you weren't the one to teach it to her. Did they teach it at the orphanage? Daycare is probably the more likely culprit. Wherever it was, it is a little hard to remember that my child had a life for 2 years before I met her, and that as much as I am getting to know her, I don't know everything. In some ways that makes me really sad, and in others it is exciting to learn something new about her all the time. I know she is also learning a lot at daycare. In this case I expect to have her come home with new skills and understanding of the world. I don't feel as bad when she surprises me with something new she learned during the day, as I do when I think about how much life happened for her before we met. I loved to discover that she barks like a seal when we sing the ABCs , as she has been trying to learn how to say the letters in song. I love to clap and share her excitement when she is pleased to share what she has learned. But, again, it makes me sad to think that she had 2 full years of learning and growing while living in an orphanage. I wonder who clapped for her there. Lucky for her, I know she was in a good living situation while in China. It is quite possible that someone DID clap for her there, but being clapped for by an ayi is different than by a mom. She is just now grasping the concept that we are different. We are both learing all the time about each other and what it is like to now move together down the road of life.

On a totally different front I have a few pieces of good news to share.
1. Last night I slept in my own bed, in my own room and A slept in her crib in her room for the first time since I met her. I had forgotten how much I love my bed. Keep your fingers crossed that we have a repeat tonight.
2. We went for a follow up appointment with the ENT and Audiologist since A had ear tubes put in 6 weeks ago. They seemed to be doing their job (the tubes) as she went from "moderate" hearing loss to "normal" hearing. I kind of knew that was the case because her speech has taken off (although I really can't understand most of it) but it is still good to hear it from the specialist.

That's all for now.

I'm a mom, I can't help myself.....

2008-10-05T20:36:00.009-06:00

Ok, you all know how opposed I am to sharing much personal and identifying information on my blog, but I just can't help myself as I feel compelled to share a few pictures of my darling A. I am going to leave these up for a week, or so, and then delete. Enjoy!

Daycare

2008-09-24T10:22:00.002-06:00

This week A started at a new daycare center, as I felt the one she had been attending was not a good fit. It was so hard to decide to make the change, as she had adjusted to her old one and seemed happy to be there. I feel in my gut that it was the right change, but am feeling a bit insecure right now due to A's sadness at drop off and being a bit more clingy with me at night. Intellectually, I know she will adjust and that this was all to be expected, but it is still hard to question if I am somehow inflicting pain on my daughter. The teachers report that she is really doing fine during the day and even presented me with a cute card showing a picture of her having fun during the day and stating "Drop off may seem tough, but here is a picture of me having fun" I know she is only 2 and was only at her old place for 2.5 months (with a lot of staff turnover) but my biggest worry is that I am reinforcing that once you get comfortable, things change. Hopefully, this place will work out and she will be there for years before being ready to start Kg.

When I was waiting (and waiting and waiting) to adopt I spent a lot of time researching childcare options. Most centers around here have long waiting lists, so I wanted to make sure I got a spot before I would need to go back to work. Of course, I did this research when I was first DTC, so many spots have come and gone while I was waiting on the list. For a variety of reasons I felt that a daycare center was a better option for me (us) than a nanny or in home daycare center. I kept the option of a nanny on the table, though, if the child referred to me had significant delays or attachment/anxiety issues that would benefit more from one-on-one care. I basically explored both roads at once. Once I found the center that I liked the most and was the best fit location and hour wise for my needs I got on the list. I had to update my projected start date 3 times before actually beginning.

I toured 4 programs before choosing the one my daughter initially attended. I was blown away by my top choice in comparison to the other 3. It was in a beautiful new (clean) building that looked like a little town inside. There was a pond with fish and different playgrounds for each level of development. They had a computer lab, dance studio, gym and more. The curriculum was a school based model that seemed to address both the right and left brain development. Everyone was SO friendly all the time. Of course it was, by far, the most expensive, but it had hours that best fit my work needs and was only 10 minutes away from my office. They took credit cards, which for me was reassuring, as I had no idea how I would fit paying for daycare into my budget. I signed my fantasy daughter up and looked forward to our chance to be a part of this cool place.

When we first got home it was very clear to me that A would do better at a place with a lot of kids than a nanny. She was on target developmentally, except for her speech. I ended up starting her earlier than I planned and made the transition much longer, as that is what seemed best for her (and me) as I needed to know she was settled before I went back to work. We spent 2 hours a day there together for a week, and then I started leaving her there alone for a few hours 2 times a week for 2 weeks. By the time I went back to work, she would cry for 5 minutes at drop off, but then quickly regroup and begin to play. A loves to play, so her desire to play was stronger than her need to be comforted by the staff. By the end of her 2nd week she no longer cried. By the end of the first month she ran into her teachers arms each day and hardly looked back at me.

So, why the change you ask????? It started an uncomfortable feeling with the directors lack of interest in her staff, her inability to really guide me when I needed it, and her lack of thinking about the needs of the specific child (mine) when making certain decisions. Then there was a lot of turnover in staff, which is hard to adjust to. The teachers were sweet, but more like teenage babysitters than teachers. A would come home with smiley faces drawn in marker on her hand and there were all kinds of cute doodles and pictures drawn on here daily communication sheet each day, but no REAL information about my child and how she was doing. It started to feel like I was taking A to Disney World every day where everything was pretty, everyone was friendly, and there was stimulation galore, but there was no real content to match. They change rooms every half hour for a new activity, but there was no time for just creative play and a true home base for the kids. The more time went on, the more I realized that this program had a great business model for marketing, but was really missing the mark on helping kids develop. In some ways I feel foolish for getting hooked by the mindset of what they were selling. It caters parents who want to feel their kids are the best and brightest. They will never tell you anything other than your kid is great and had an excellent day. I want feedback. I want to know how to help her. I don't want my ego stroked all the time. I could go on, but will spare you.

What I learned is that it is really hard to plan for something as important as childcare until you know your kid. With the way waiting lists work, it isn't an option to do it in the "right" order. A is a kid who rolls with things on the surface, but internalizes the anxiety. It comes out in her being clingy, sleep issues, and reflux. She does best when she is in smaller places with less stimulation. She likes her crib over a bed. If on a bed she has to be on top of me. Changing rooms all the time was interesting for her, I'm sure, but I don't think it was the best environment for her to really settle down and to grow. Shopping for a new center was so much easier when I knew her.

The new place is right down the street from the old and has similar hours. Lucky for me it is $160 a month less (and still takes credit cards). It is also a new building (wasn't even there when I initially shopped) but a very different model. A is in one room for much of the day. She has her own bin to keep things in and there are pictures of the kids and of their families on the wall. They sing the wheels on the bus, rather than listen to classical or international music. They go through the sprinkler in the summer months and not the school water park. And most important there are other cars of my level in the parking lot each morning, vs BMW, Lexis and Mercedes SUVs.

Hopefully, A will adjust quickly.

The A-list

2008-09-15T09:18:00.003-06:00

A has an "A-list" of people with whom she will freely interact. I have been watching to see how she makes this decision, especially as her grandma (who traveled to Chins with me) has STILL not made the cut. As I mentioned in my last post, A was a velcro baby for much of the time in China. Once we got home she slowly started to explore, but always come back to me as her home base. Each time a new person entered her life, she would want to be held by me again or would stay close by me. With repeated exposure, she would move away from me, but always comes back for a "tune up" (whether it be a hug, being picked up, or just standing close to me for a few seconds) before venturing back out. Even if she had seen the person several times before, she would generally only make eye contact with me, and look to me to let her know if that person was OK. This makes total sense and I have been pleased with the way she has been forming her attachment to me. Since she loves to play, she almost always leaves my side to play if another young child is around. Unless, the other kid starts to crowd her and grab onto her too much, then she just gets annoyed and looks to be rescued. The older kids just love to do that! But, A's bonding with adults (even those who act like kids) has been a little different.

I'm not happy about this, but A's papa has found his way in by making my daughter a cake whore. Yes, he will give her a few bites of chocolate cake, and then when she gets hooked, he will only give her more for a kiss. It was funny the first time, but now I'm not so thrilled about it, especially since grandma, who is desperate for some connection at this point, has followed suite. A has slowly warmed up with her papa outside of the cake thing, because she loves to be tickled and do airplane rides, both of which he does well. My mom, on the other hand, tries in almost a hyper anxious way to get A to play with her. A just wont give her the time of day. A hugged and kissed my aunt and uncle goodnight on Friday, who she had met 3 hours earlier, but turned away in disgust from her grandma. Everyone assumes it is my mom's blond hair, but I think it is something else and I can't quite get her to understand it.

Several people whom I wouldn't have predicted quickly made A's A-list. These people sit close to her quietly at first. When A makes a little contact ( her favorite game of acting like she will give you food (or a kiss or hug) and pull back "psych", or pointing until they point back) they mimic her, rather than try to get her to do what THEY want. As they do this, she does more. When she is fully engaged they take turns doing some silly game and mimic each other. Then they are quick friends and she will allow that person to hold her and even let her mom walk away for a bit of time without freaking out. Bottom line is, the person who makes the A-list lets A initially take control and when she feels she has it, she relaxes and allows it to be more mutual. Her grandma (and many others) don't know how to do this. It's also the difference between calm, quiet and patient energy, with the fast moving anxious energy.

My parents had an open house to meet A on Sunday and we had another family function on Friday . Once I understood the formula to the A-list, it was interesting to observe who A connected with and who she tried to avoid. This was not a new observation, but it continues to amaze me how so many people want to be "the one" A will go to or say their name before anyone elses. Many have been down right competitive about this. It is really so interesting to observe.

A did so well over the weekend with all these people, events and chaos. I was really so very proud of her. And even though I just wrote the post about not totally feeling like a mom yet, I had strong glimpses of those feelings this weekend. My hear was overflowing with pride and joy as I watched her.

My Daughter

2008-09-11T19:34:00.003-06:00

My daughter. I have a daughter. I'm a mom. I have been a mom for a little over 3 months and I just don't know when it will really sink in. I mean REALLY sink in. Sure, I feel the changes in my life. I take care of this amazing little creature each day. I find myself unable to stop kissing her and live for the moments when she giggles uncontrollably. I put effort into feeding her good foods and hold her hand each night while she falls asleep. I find myself in awe of this little spirit who has learned so well how to engage those around her. I want to protect her. I also experience the increased responsibility and the lack of freedom I used to have. Some days I can't wait to drop her off at daycare to get a break (by going to work), but I always am excited to pick her up at the end of the day. I know these are all "mom" actions, thoughts and feelings, yet it still just doesn't feel real. I don't know if it is because I insulated my heart for so very long during the years of longing and waiting and it takes a while to thaw, or if it just takes the mind a little while to catch up with such a big change. Maybe it is a little bit of both.

I am sorry I have not kept you all up to date on my journey. Hell, I don't know if any of your are even still here reading. I have thought about blogging for a while, but wanted to wait until I had some profound things to share from my experience. Well, 4 months have passed since my last post, and I still have not arrived at anything profound to say, but I didn't feel like being silent anymore while I wait for my brain to start working fully again.

The trip to China was much harder than I imagined it would be. I had prepared for a child who was shut down, rejecting and having difficulty attaching. I was totally surprised to be handed an adorable little peanut who was strong willed and never wanted to be put down. NEVER! I was totally shell shocked going from being all me, all the time, to not one moment of me. If this child could have crawled inside of me at night when she slept, she would have. Any attempt I made to get myself comfortable lead to her screaming bloody murder. I wanted to have compassion for her fear, but after a while I just shut down. She got sick. I worried about what to do and was scared. I got sick. She wouldn't go to anyone but me. It was hot. I cried a lot. Most of the things I fantasized about doing during my 3 years of waiting didn't go as planned. I was so disappointed. I had my first lessons about choosing to do what was best for my daughter, rather than keeping my own agenda. I surrendered.

By the end of the time in China things started to shift. A, my daughter, started to explore outside of her position of being glued to my body. When we were alone in the hotel room she began to play and show me her great sense of humor. As she felt safe enough to step away for a few moments, I began to feel hope that maybe I would be able to handle this. It took a good month of being home, though, before I really knew I could.

The first few weeks home were pretty awful. Sure I felt relief and gratitude each and every day for A ( and to no longer be waiting), but sleep deprivation / jet lag is some pretty serious stuff. I had no idea how much it effected me until I started to feel better. I cried every day for no reason and was anxious about who knows what. It was hard to be solely responsible for helping this little girl transition to her new life, when I was having my own identity crisis of sorts. Again, I learned to surrender. When I could do this, we both came along more quickly.

Going back to work was a turning point for me. I'll be honest, I am a much better mom with my professional side still in tact. I love spending time with A. We laugh, we play and we explore. I love seeing the world though her eyes, as she experiences new things and people. She has already taught me so much. I also love my career and the stimulation it provides. It is wonderful being at work knowing I have a daughter to pick up at the end of the day. My world seems so much more balanced with both in place. And now if I could just figure out how to go out every now and then things would be perfect.

This weekend we are going to MI to visit family. My parents are having an open house to introduce my daughter to extended family and friends. This will be my first visit "home" as a mom. Again, evan with all I just wrote, the words just don't sink in. Strange!

Counting down

2008-05-18T15:52:00.003-06:00

I can't believe that I leave for China on Wednesday. I will meet my daughter for the first time on Saturday afternoon. It is strange that after all of this time waiting and fantasizing about how this will go, dreaming bizarre adoption anxiety dreams, and complaining about how long things are taking, I am not feeling much of anything right now. Sure, I am both excited and nervous, but for whatever reason, I am pretty disconnected from all of that. Maybe it is just too overwhelming to take in, and maybe I just can't really wrap my mind around the reality of it. I really have no clue. I'm not in a bad place, just an unfamiliar one. I usually get pretty anxious about change. I figured I would be popping xanax about now, but have not needed to. Am even sleeping fine, what's up with that? Overall, I am feeling pretty zen-like. Talk to me on Tuesday night and this all may change.

With the exception of one more box of Frango Mints (gift), I have purchased all I need to purchase, and have collected all I need to collect. I have many organized piles stacked along my dining room table and buffet. There are so many gifts, medications, and supplies to bring. At some point I need to start figuring out what to bring for me to wear. People keep asking me if I have packed yet. No, I have not, but that part will be easy. My process reminds me of they way I wrote papers in graduate school. I often didn't have a word written a few days before the due date, but so much preparation had gone on in my mind and in researching, that it was practically finished before it was written. Packing is really a technicality of putting it all in a suitcase (s), which will probably not happen until Tuesday.

It ends up that there will be 3 other families traveling with us (me and my mom). Since I am adopting a SN child, I had expected that I would not have a group. At the last minute it worked out that I have a pretty good one. One of the families has a SN boy from the same orphanage, so we will be together for the entire trip. The other two families have NSN girl and will go to a different province in the middle. Of the four families there is one 1 year old girl, one 2.5 year old boy and one 3 year old girl. A great mix to go with my 2 year old girl. And, while the other 3 families are couples, 2 of them are also bringing a grandma, so my mom will also have a peer group. So much seems to be easy (relatively) and flowing since finding this little girl in February, that I believe this has contributed to my unexpected calmness.

This will probably be my last entry until I am back home in a few weeks. Again, if you want to follow my private website and don't yet have the info. let me know.

Until then......

Happy Birthday Little One!

2008-05-04T17:05:00.002-06:00

Today is my daughters 2nd birthday. It's hard to believe that in 2.5 weeks I will be meeting her for the first time. I am sad that I wasn't there to celebrate with her, but know we will have many years of celebrating ahead of us. The place where she is living seems pretty good, as far as orphanage care goes. I have seen many pictures of day to day life there, as well as the ways they celebrate birthdays. The kids look happy, busy, and loved. She lives in a house of 25 children with 14 nanny's giving care. My little one has known no other home since she has been 4 months old, so in some ways I am glad she will be celebrated on her day in a place that is familiar and comfortable.

No matter how nice her orphanage situation seems to be, I know it is nothing like living with your own family. I am looking forward to providing an environment where she will feel secure and will thrive. What's on my mind today, though, is the process of getting to that point. I think ahead to what that transition process will be. How she will grieve and how to best help her learn to trust me. I have read all the books, and "get" the issues involved, but am starting to feel nervous about applying this to a very real little girl who has no idea her little world is about to change. It is hard to know that, in the short run, you are causing pain and sadness. I have to work to keep the long run in my mind during this process.

I have been shopping and gathering things for weeks and finally feel like I am getting closer to being ready. As usual, the busy shopping binds the anxiety of the unknowns and the transition ahead. But, when the quiet moments hit, so do some of the fears, worries and deep empathy for this little girls experience.

I have been working on a babyjellybeans website that I will use to document the trip and transition. As many of you know, I am kind of funny about privacy and decided to do a password protected site. I am happy to give any of you that I "know" my information, so if you are interested please e-mail me and let me know. If you don't know my e-mail, feel free to leave yours in the comments section. I put the comments on moderation, which I think will allow me delete your e-mail address before it gets posted in the comments section. If that's not how it works let me know and I will figure something else out.

Am FINALLY off to get my visa tomorrow. Wish me luck!

getting closer to motherhood

2008-04-23T20:21:00.005-06:00

It's getting more real now. I am going to be a mom. I am FINALLY going to be a mom. I have been wanting to be a member of the mom's club for so long that I can hardly remember not longing. My membership card is being printed up as I prepare for my initiation. I leave for china a month from today. I will meet my daughter on Memorial Day and fly home on June 4th.

I went to target last week to make a dent in my very long list of things to buy. I spent about 20 minutes looking at diapers. So many options and brands. The weights listed on 2 different sizes overlap. Do you go with the bigger or the smaller size that fits her weight? While I initially felt as overwhelmed as a man asked to pick up feminine hygiene products for his partner, the feeling quickly turned to excitement. I was buying diapers for my daughter. I was no longer the person who felt like a poser as I prepared for motherhood. I felt legitimate for the first time. I know that sounds kind of strange, but over the past 2 years all my baby purchases and dreaming felt more like playing dress up than something that would really happen. Now I own diapers for a real person who will be living in my house by June. I put the diapers in the cart and proudly walked around target. I kept waiting for someone to stop me and say "wow, you have diapers in your cart, are you a mother?" Of course, to the rest of the target shoppers diapers are not an unusual occurrence, but to me they symbolized a milestone.

There is so much to do to prepare for this 2 week trip. My head is spinning a little. Between the adoption related money, paperwork and gifts and all the medical supplies suggested to bring, my organizational skills are getting a workout. Of course getting my home ready for a baby and closing down my practice for 6 weeks, also contribute to some pretty full days. While I spent so much time preparing these last 3 years, there is still so much to do. Along with all the doing, though, there is a pull to really enjoy taking time being with friends and enjoying my freedom while I can. I suspect this month of balancing all of that will go really quickly.

While its a busy time, the space I am in right now is a pretty good one. I am fully enjoying the relief that my membership to the club has finally been approved. I am taking this all and am trying to stay in the now, as I know the initial months as a mom will be challenging.

more passport drama

2008-04-16T20:05:00.002-06:00

When we last left off I had successfully obtained my brand new replacement passport and I was making plans to get my travel visa from the Chinese consulate. What I didn't mention, though, was I was waiting on my mothers passport to arrive safely from MI, in order to get her visa as well. We had much discussion the week PRIOR to my discovering that I had lost MY passport about the safest way to get HER passport to me. We decided that she would send it with my aunt two weekends ago when she and the gang come to visit. My mom was so paranoid about losing it, especially AFTER discovering I had lost mine, that she went to my aunts home and physically placed it in my aunt's purse an hour before she left for Chicago. When my aunt arrived and handed me the passport, I discovered that my mother had never signed it. OMG, I couldn't believe it. My aunt suggested that I just sign it for her, but couldn't quite cope with the idea of the adoption not going through in the end because I was in jail for forging a federal document. So, back in auntie Judy's purse it went on Sunday.

On Monday my mom signed the passport and took it to the post office. She asked the safest way to send this to me and they suggested registered mail. Why she didn't do fed. ex., like most people, is beyond me. Anyway, when the USPS told her it was the "safest" route, they never explained that it was the longest route. When it didn't arrive by Friday, my mother was a basket case assuming it had been lost. She was able to trace it and eventually found out that is was actually right on track for the time frame of registered mail. Unfortunately, I had taken Monday morning off of work to go down the the Chinese Consulate, which was a total waste, since I didn't have her passport and papers by then. They eventually arrived to my office on Monday afternoon. I carefully placed the stuff in a file folder and put it in my work bag to take home.

Later that night I sat down to go over the visa application forms and get things together so I could go the consulate before work on Wednesday. I filled out my form and reviewed my mothers. I put my passport and pictures with my form and went to do the same with my mom's stuff, but no passport would be found. At this point, I immediately start hyperventilating. How was it humanly possible that I had now lost her passport. Papers were flying everywhere as I emptied my work bag all over the floor. All I could think is that it had somehow fallen out of the folder at my office and must be on the floor there. It was 8:30 pm and I was in my pjs. Without thinking I start putting on my shoes and coat (over my pjs and no bra) and planned to drive the 40 minutes back to my office to find it. I was in a total panic. Just as I was about to walk out the door I remembered that I had placed the passport in the zipper pocket of my purse to prevent it from falling out of the folder. I open my purse, and sure enough it is right there. I'm starting to think I am losing it. This passport thing has clearly taken on a life of it's own or I have become Lucy and Ethel all in one person.

The passport crisis was over and I was finally ready to go and drop off everything at the consulate for our visas. Until yesterday, that is. Yesterday, I found out that the rules changed on Monday for getting visas. You can no longer apply until you have a full trip itinerary with proof of flights and hotel reservations. I guess between rioting due to the Tibet crisis and the upcoming Olympics, they are keeping a very close eye on all people coming into the country. All this rushing and craziness with the passports and now I sit and wait again.

It's kind of funny, don't you think?

What a week!

2008-04-06T13:43:00.003-06:00

Before my tangent on my training last weekend, I left off with my passport drama. Glad to report that this is finally taken care of and I am the proud owner of a new passport. Works out well, in the end, as my picture is so much better than the terrible one I had before. Good to know my priorities are straight, right? Between the $160 for a new and expedited passport, $22 for parking on the day of my appointment at the passport office $18 on the pick up day it was a very expensive venture. That doesn't count the gas driving downtown and back 2 times in a week and the 8 hours spent total between car rides and waiting in line. I'm complaining a little, I know, but in reality am so grateful that Ilive in a city where I have access to a main passport processing office and was able to get it taken care of quickly. It was interesting seeing the numbers of people there trying to get out of town that day or the next who were in a bit of a pickle without a valid passport. I also met some really nice people in line who were adoptive parents years ago and had relatives just coming back from China with an new daughter. A real camaraderie was formed while waiting in the line, all with very different circumstance and tales to tell. I had a bit of difficulty at first with a worker not able to think outside the box, as my situation didn't fit the emergency rules off travel in 14 days with an itinerary in hand. No matter how many times I explained that I needed to get a visa first and showed a letter from my agency explaining the urgency, the front like person kept going back to "but you don't have a travel itinerary..." Finally a supervisor helped me out, just at the point that I was starting to tear up from the frustration. She was kind and got it. Thank goodness!

Once the passport crisis passed I spent the rest of the week telling clients about my upcoming leave of absence. Overall, it went well, but was stressful to process people's reactions over and over again. You learn a lot about people in those kinds of situations. Outside of work my energy was geared towards getting ready for a visit from my aunt, SIL and 6 cousins coming for a girls weekend in the windy city. Had most things in place, but found it hard dividing my focus between all this preparing for a daughter and playing cruise director.

The 8 showed up form MI to my place at the end of the day on Friday for appetizers and drinks. We were all planning on staying at a hotel, but decided to start here so they could see my pad and neighborhood. They showed up bearing baby gifts for an impromptu shower. I was totally surprised. By the time I go to my second gift, I looked over at my SIL sitting next to me and noticed she looked strange - eyes starting to flutter, fists locked and starting to shake. My brain felt as it was moving in slow motion, and my lips couldn't get the words out quickly enough, but I knew she was having a seizure and my body somehow kicked into action. It was amazing how a group of so many could quickly hop into action and almost seamlessly take on needed roles. Thank goodness one of my cousins is a nurse so she took the lead. We got my SIL to the floor as she seized away. It was terrifying! When her body stopped she was frozen in a strange position and started to turn blue. For a moment I thought she was dead and my mind flashed to the worry that I would have to call my brother, mother and her mother to say she was gone. My cousin was able to finally get her airway open as my SIL made noises that were very frightening to hear. The EMS showed up relatively quickly, even though it felt like hours, and she eventually came to. The took her off to the hospital and the 8 of us followed along to the ER.

My SIL has never had a seizure before and neither my brother nor her mother knew exactly meds she was on. My SIL has had a very significant depression over the past few years and I had a gut feeling she had decided to take herself off her meds cold turkey. Luckily, we were able to find some prescriptions in her purse that had been written by her doctor to give us some indication of what she had been taking. What a lesson to be learned about the importance of having someone else know what medications you are on, or keeping a list in your purse. If we hadn't found these, something much more serious could have happened. Anyway, they ended up admitting her and running all kinds of tests. My gut had been right, and she had abruptly stopped taking some hard core medication and her body was going through withdrawal. Her blood pressure was so high she was at real risk. I am grateful to have had everything go so smoothly and only be a mile away from the hospital. I'm not sure how she didn't know better, especially with what she was on, but I forget that I have had a lot more exposue to medications due to the kind of work I do, so what is obvious to me may not be to someone else.

The weekend from that point on was sooo stressful for me. Trying to hold the balance of making sure everyone else still had fun, while trying to keep in touch with and take care of details with my SIL in the hospital (as well as communication with my brother who was in Vegas, mom in MI and her mom in NY) was so exhausting. I felt a real responsibility to take care of my SIL who is usually very private and easily embarrassed, but wanted to show my appreciation for all my cousins were trying to do for me by showing up to celebrate me. Friday night I only slept 4 hours, as when I finally got home from the hospital and into bead it all hit me. Last nigth I shared a hotel room with my SIL and was afraid to sleep in case something happened. Tonight I plan to take a little ambien and get a really good nights sleep.

Aside from all the hard stuff going on, I did end up having some fun with the troupes. They are a very off the wall bunch with no boundaries what-so-ever. We laughed a lot last night, which felt really good. We also ended up finishing opening all my gifts last night. I got lots of cute little outfits, books and supplies. I feel sad that the weekend is over, but SO relieved at the same time. I feel lucky to have been shown so much love and to have been able to be there for my SIL, but am also totally wiped out from the week.

Percolating

2008-03-30T19:07:00.002-06:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I attended a 3 day training for work over the weekend. For those of you who don't know I am a social worker / therapist in private practice. I would say that I do fairly traditional therapy in my practice, but have always been interested in expanding my work to incorporate more spiritual healing and energy work. I do it in subtle ways, but have been fearful to do anything more clear in fear that I would be labeled and dismissed as new age and kooky. When I talk of "spiritual" I am not speaking of "religion", but of our connection with our inner spirit/intuition/core etc... and that same connection with the larger universe.

This weekend I went to a training on using the energy centers of the body to help release trauma stored within. The days were intense and stimulating, and I don't really know how to describe it without totally oversimplifying a complex process, but will try to the best of my abilities. We all experience traumas (very broad definition here) in life, some tiny and others huge. Talk therapy can be great for exploring, gaining insight, and hopefully making change. However, for most of us, no matter how much work we do, some of the emotion and experience is stored in our body and no words will even fully release that. This work utilizes a bunch of techniques that release energy and hopefully help the specific issues worked on resolve for good. The woman who created this has gone on to make connection between "trauma" and certain medical conditions, of which she uses her protocols to treat. She seems to have good results, which are lasting. Although, I have not read any empirical data on this yet. I can just tell you from experience of the weekend and doing some of my own work through our practicing on each other, I believe she is really on to something. The goal at the core of this is to help people bridge their ego/human side with their divine self. Once the trauma has cleared, one can better be in tune with their core and live in the world in a very different way.

This woman does some humanitarian work with her model, helping many Mayan women heal from their own horrible abuses in current time and of generations past. I don't know as much as I'd like about quantum mechanics and energy psychology, but it seems clear to me that a real difference can be made in our universe when we incorporate this sphere.

In listening to the kind of work this woman does and the breadth of "traumas" she had developed specific protocols to treat, I began thinking about both the trauma of being abandoned and adopted to a totally new culture/world. I also wondered about the experience of a child being born with a birth defect (cl/cp) and the surgeries to repair it. It made me wonder if it were possible to help my daughter heal on an energetic level at a young age so she does not bring all that goes with that kind of wounding into her adolescent and adult life. I ironically was paired up with a woman today who wanted to work on the trauma of having been adopted /being abandoned by her birthmother (domestic adoption). She seemed to find what we did useful, but I have no idea of if it will stick. Wouldn't it be nice if this could work for our children? I spoke with the instructor / creator of this program after the workshop and she said she has treated very many adoptees, but most have been older adol. and adults. She suggested that maybe we could work together to create a protocol for younger children. The juices are certainly flowing as I percolate a bit on this one. I am curious of your thoughts, even those of you who think I may just have gone off the deep end (LOL).

Can you say loser?

2008-03-29T21:18:00.002-06:00

For those of you who don't know me, I am a very careful and meticulous person. I don't care if my house is perfectly clean or my drawers are organized, but I am careful about where I put things and intentional about most of my actions. I have to laugh as I think of how organized I was over the past 2 years of getting ready for a referral. I have collected all kinds of information about travel, attachment and just about anything I came across that I might need for later. I have placed all of these things in a binder, all divided into nice sections for future reference. I have hand-me-down clothes and shoes all organized in containers by size, and have been slowly collecting small things I would need when I finally brought my daughter home.

Now that I actually have a referral and could travel in 6 weeks, I am finding that so much of that organizing and collecting of things have not helped me one bit. My daughter is going to be 2 in May, which is different than the 10-12 month old I assumed I would have. Some of the things I have will be helpful, much of it will not. All that organizing I did, I now see just helped me "do something" during the wait. I have learned a lot, don't get me wrong, but now that I would like to read some of the information I printed off and put in binders, I can't seem to find it. Yes, it is there in the great big binder, but somehow it is no longer organized in a way that makes sense to me. I want quick references and I find that I have over collected. I have too much to tease through to find what I need. I actually spent last night re-organizing what was organized. I felt like a student going through my notes to study for an exam, as I took notes from my notes to whittle down the facts to what was most important. Now, I think I finally know what I need to know and do.

I share all of that to say how darn obsessive - compulsive I can be. It serves a purpose, and generally contributes to things going well. Until Thursday night, that is... I spent 2 days talking with my mom about he best way for her to get her passport to me, as we live in different states and I need to get her a travel visa for the trip. I worried that US mail wasn't safe enough, but wouldn't be available to sign it if she sent it certified mail. We finally decided on Fed Ex. so there would be no risk of losing something so important. On Thursday morning I went to my safe deposit box at the bank to take out MY passport and found that it wasn't there. I panicked a little when discovering it wasn't in the box, but then remembered taking it out to make copies a few months ago, so decided it must be in it's special spot at home. That night I went to the little wooden box at home to pull it out, only to discover that it wasn't there either. I began to freak out. The more I tried to think of the possibilities of where it could be, the more I started to flood with panic. It was nowhere in my home. I couldn't believe that I could lose somethings this important and at this time. My poor mother called in the middle of this crisis, and while trying to talk me off the ledge, kept sharing her disbelief that I did this as it was SO out of character for me. Not the most helpful thing to hear at that moment! I admit I catastrophized this one quite a bit down to the idea that now the adoption wouldn't happen. When I was finally able to talk some sense into myself and begin problem solving, I realized that while I may have slowed down my process a little, It was not dead in the water. I now assume I must have left it on the xerox machine when I made copies, and the copy place destroyed it when I didn't come looking for it.

Eventually, I was able make a plan. I called the 800 number for the passport people to report it missing and was able to schedule a face-to-face meeting on Monday with the Chicago passport office. Luckily I was able to get a letter from my agency stating the urgency of getting a new passport asap, so am hoping I will not be too far off the proposed travel plan. I feel like a total loser now, both for losing something so important and for the degree of freak out that followed. I think the hardest part was that this was Thurs. night and I knew I would be at a training for work from 8am- 6pm Friday - Sunday this weekend, with no time to make calls and figure things out. I knew this needed to get fixed quickly and I couldn't figure out how to do that. Luckily all the pieces fell into place nicely and I am ready to go for Monday morning. Keep your fingers crossed that I can get a new one quickly and that this craziness was just an isolated incident and not the beginning of the losing my edge that I know will come with motherhood.

PS. I will write soon about this training I am attending this weekend, as it is really cool stuff.

now we're cookin

2008-03-25T18:25:00.002-06:00

After so many months (ok years) of things moving so slowly, I feel like I have been thrown into the fast lane. I received my LOA (letter of confirmation) today for my daughter. (I finally feel like it is ok to start calling her "my daughter" today.) It seems like there has been a range of 35 - 180 days for people to receive their LOAs after sending in their Letter of Intent for a SN child. I knew mine would be on the shorter end as I have been logged in (almost 23 months) and have already been through the review room. Also, this referral came through the "new" SN system where all is done electronically, so it has been predicted that this would speed up the process. With that range in mind, I just about fell off my chair today when my SW called. I assumed it had to be something bad, since I was only on day 26 of waiting for my LOA. It took me a good hour to stop shaking when I learned that it was an unbelievably good call. Now things things will start moving along at a speed that is a little overwhelming, as I am told that I will probably travel to China in May.

I am not at all complaining about the rate at which things are starting to move, its more the shock coming with the change in momentum. My trust in the process had been pretty low over the past year and I don't think I could have been any more discouraged than I have been. Even when sending my LOI and really trusting the red threads that seemed to be present around this little girl , the guardedness and mistrust did not fully go away. I was scared to get too excited, as I worried that I wouldn't REALLY be grandfathered in as a single person. There has been so much disappointment; I didn't think I could live with the let down of this not working out. I have been living on two different levels in recent weeks - the deeper level that trusted that this would work out, as it felt totally right, and the outer level of anxiety buzz casting doubt, based on what I have experienced in the process thus far. Today, I feel I can let go of the buzz and just enjoy. Actually, a new kind of energy surfaces around getting prepared, but it is a more grounded energy. Don't get me wrong, I am excited and terrified all at once, but in a new calm way that is hard to articulate.

I am a planner and tend to worry in advance, and then be totally fine when I get there. I have certainly have had a lot of time to worry and plan over the past 3 years since starting the process. I actually burned out of that mode sometime last year, and just figured I would figure it out sometime in my next lifetime when this finally was going to be real. Now it is getting really real and I am not sure what to be doing. The truth is, though, that on some level I am prepared and feel really calm. I kind of don't recognize the person writing this, as another part of me says I'm in denial and just don't know where to start. Some good friends (the guys of the fabulous b-day weekend) were planning on throwing me a shower at the end of May. This comforted the planner me, as I knew I would get lots of "stuff" and was able to put the preparing for those kinds of things aside. Now it looks like I will be in China for the planned shower date, and there are no options for doing it sooner. I am sad because I pictured this as a great send of into my next stage of life, as it was set to be a big gathering. However, I am surprisingly ok about this not working out, even thought the planner in me was looking forward to being able to check off many things from my "to buy" list.

I see that the growth for me in this process from start to current day is of learning to let go of control. My very first post on this blog (I think) talks about wanting to learn to surrender to what is out of my control. Boy, I have seen over and over the opportunities for lessons to be learned here. Now that I am coming out of the deep funk, I am seeing the progress made in this area. There have been few ways in my life that I have felt so utterly powerless as I have during this journey. I think sometimes you have to be knocked on your ass to be able to finally let go. I don't think I started seeing it clearly until recently, but out of all the darkness I am starting to see some light. I Still have a lot of work to do with it, but I suspect my daughter will teach me the rest. I know it is easy for me to say that I am feeling good because I finally have a referral, and I know so many of my dear friends continue to wait in pain. I don't deny that this IS HELPING my mood tremendously, but I what I am trying to convey is about something deeper that has changed as a result of the journey. This shift is something that coincided with the idea of finally becoming a mom. I hope this makes sense.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone

2008-03-15T08:28:00.002-06:00

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

I am excited to report that I am finally going to be a mom. After over 22 months of waiting (3 years since starting the process) I have accepted a referral of an adorable 22 month little girl from China. She was born with a cleft lip and palate, but both have been repaired. She has amazing smiling eyes. My paperwork says she is in a SWI in the Henan Province, yet a little research lead me to finding out that since 4 months old she has been living in a foster care village run by an American foundation, right outside of Beijing.

When I first started this process, I signed on for the NSN track, as the idea of SN scared me too much. As a single mom, I worried that any special need was going to by way more than I could handle. During all the dark months of waiting and coping with major let downs month after month, I began to question my plan. Since last April (the awful 2 day batch month) I have been exploring all kinds of options. I have looked at, and seriously considered changing to VN, Kaz and Kryg, but in the end none of them felt right in my gut. I started to research SN, and found a few that I would be open to, but my agency goes by seniority and I was always too far down on the list to be considered. I looked into domestic adoption and spoke with many agencies and lawyers, but between the slim chances of being "chosen" by a birth mother and the intense sadness I felt about giving up on the idea of my daughter in China, I scrapped that idea too. Most recently I explored insemination and started getting blood tests and shopping for donor sperm. This was the hardest thing for me to get my arms around, as it was something I was clear from the beginning that I didn't want to do. I had been feeling so powerless, for so long I was pushing myself to be open to other options. Luckily for me, I have a good gut and I have learned to listen to it over the years. I knew in my heart (and gut) that I wanted to adopt from China, but as much as I tried to surrender to the long and unknown wait ahead of me, I couldn't get there. Somehow, during the process of checking out insemination I started to feel a sense of calm that I hadn't felt in a long time. I knew I wanted to become a mom more than anythings. I wanted to be the mom to a daughter from China, but had been feeling like a battered woman who kept rationalizing why I was staying with an abuser. The calm happened when I was meeting with a wonderful fertility doctor discussing my plan. It was strange timing, but felt right in my gut so I decided to go with it. My plan felt like a win win - I would try two months of simple insemination, and if it didn't work I would be closer to my referral date. If it did work, I would decide then if I would become the mom of two or let go of China. I don't know why my resistance to insemination went away, but it did. I also was realistic to know that the chances of my 40 year old eggs working for me without added help was not extremely high, and felt ok with that too.

Ironically, while waiting to ovulate, my agency got their first SN list in more than 6 months. I saw the birth date and SN only for a little girl they called Faye. There was a 24 hour period allowed to make our request, so I figured I had nothing to lose by trying. I was still in that surrendered place, so I somehow just trusted if my LID was finally high enough on the list to be considered, fine, and if not, I would be let down, but fine too. I was shocked to find out I was #2 of 16 who applied for Faye. I was given her file to look at, in the event the #1 people backed out. I was in shock, but knew pretty much right away that she would be my little girl. Within a few hours, my SW called to say that the #1 people decided they were close enough for a NSN referral and they were going to wait it out. She was mine if I wanted her to be. I spent the next few days talking to an IA pediatrician, a local cleft team representative and close friends and family. I was nervous to say yes, but couldn't imagine turning down this little girl. By that Saturday night, I was sure I would say yes and called my agency first thing Monday morning to place her file on hold. My LOI was sent to China on 2/28 and I got my PA on Thursday.

There are a few synchronistic things that happened that reinforced that this little girl was right for me. First, I was DTC on 4/27/06 and LID 5/9/06. She was born 5/4/06 and found 5/8/06. So while my dossier was waiting to get logged in (CCAA was on holiday the first month of May in China) Faye was born and found. The second interesting thing was that the Saturday night I made the decision to adopt Faye, was exactly the same night 3 years earlier that I had my epiphany that lead me to start the adoption process. Maybe it is all a bunch of interesting coincidences, but to me it holds meaning.

My daughter will not be named Faye, but as you all know I am trying to keep some privacy in this very public blog world. For now I will just use that name. For the same reason, I am not comfortable sharing pictures here or specific information about here situation. What I am comfortable sharing is that I have been blessed to stumble upon information and a contact person for the foster care village where she has been living. Since it is an American organization, and not the Chinese government, I have been able to contact them and learn more about my daughter's life. So far I have received 11 pictures taken every few months from her arrival there, as well as before and after surgery pictures. This place seems to take amazing care of their children and their main goal is to fix up "broken" kids and get them ready to live with families. I will be able to get more specific info. once I get my LOA. Unfortunately, they will have to send Faye back to the SWI before the adoption, rather than my being able to go to her there. Will save comments about that, though, for another day.

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

2008-02-17T19:34:00.002-06:00

So, the birthday celebration continued this weekend and I just needed to share every (almost) little detail of this one. I am sorry that you all will be so sick of hearing about my birthday by the time my celebrating is done, but turning 40 has been the greatest distraction from waiting that I have come up with.

This weekend was the one where my friends G & M kidnapped me for a mystery celebration. I really had no idea of the plan other than it would begin at 11:30 on Saturday and end around 2pm today (Sunday). I was instructed to bring my passport, make sure someone had my dental records and to make sure to shave my legs. Hows that for a bit of a wild goose chase? Just to add some background, G loves to embellish and be dramatic, they own a meeting planning business that plans major incentive vacations for big companies, and that they are a gay couple who know how to do it up in ways us straight folks just haven't quite figured out.

At 11:30 I got the call that they were turning down my street so I could go downstairs and wait for them. While waiting for them to pull up in their car, I was stunned to see a black limo pull up in front of my condo. I was in such a state of shock I forgot to even notice if my neighbors saw my VIP treatment. I got in and found my friend waiting equipped with diet*coke for the ride. The driver made a few comments about the route, clearly to throw me off a bit. We eventually got off the highway in downtown chicago (the drive said he had to pee) and pulled up in front of the Peninsu*la Hotel. I have stepped into the lobby of this 5 star hotel in the past, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I would stay there.

M went to check in and G started to tell me that we would be having "procedures" done and then staying on the recovery floor afterwards. I knew not to believe this, but knowing his fascination with plastic surgery a little part of me was worried he may be telling the truth. Luckily, M returned to tell us that our room wasn't ready yet, and that we were supposed to go to the concierge floor on 20th floor for coffee while we waited. I just babbled away on the elevator ride up and stepped out feeling a little confused as I looked for the coffee and didn't see it. I then realized that it was the spa floor and we were all scheduled for a massage in 15 minute. Yes, they got me again. It was an amazing massage and the ambiance and attention to detail was like no other place I have been.

After the relaxing massage we went to our room. M stated that the weren't able to get us rooms on the same floor, so we were going to my room fist. By this time, I had some doubts, as he is pretty well connected in the hotel world, so I couldn't imagine that this wouldn't have been fixed for him. But, I went along to my room. I was correct in my assumption about that, as we were in fact next door to one another, but the surprise was that I had a suite and not just a room. The suite was beautiful, and again, every little detail was thought of from the lighting options, to the control panal by the bed. The best, though, was the sunken tub with a phone and built in TV with a view of the city right outside the window. After checking out the all the fun details of the room (like someone who clearly must not get out much) we talked about going across the street for some Chicago style pizza. Just as I grabbed my coat, the doorbell rang. Yes, my suite had a doorbell, how cool is that? I opened the door to find the room service guy with a table containing flowers, a b-day cake, a cheese tray, fruite and champagne. Fooled again! We were eating and chatting for a while, when the doorbell rang again. This time all three of us were surprised to find another room service guy standing outside the door, with another table of similar items. This time, I believe, it was sent from the hotel for M (a business sucking up). Pretty unbelievable.

After the feeding frenzy we took a nice walk down MI ave, as the weather was surprisingly warm for the windy city in February. When we got back to the hotel we decided on a time that the boys would come back after changing clothes for dinner. They showed up 30 minutes later and sat me down to do a "reading" for me. At first I thought that meant that one of them had become psychic and I would learn my future, but then I discovered that it was a telling of the highlights of my 40 years on this earth. Between G embellishing a few of the college day experiences and making many of my past boyfriend experiences sound much more racey than I remember, and M presenting with a bit of theatrical flair, I thought I would pee my pants from laughing so hard. When it was over they presented me with a beautiful amethyst and diamond earring and necklace set, as if the day hadn't been present enough. All I could think is that I felt like I was living a Make a Wish Found. wish, but didn't have to go through the part of having a horrible life-threating disease. (Hope nobody is offended by that one.) By this time, I was so overwhelmed by everything, I was no longer able to string full sentences together. Never in my life have I received so much attention and pampering (and I have certainly not been deprived in my life). After my "reading" we went down to the bar for a drink, followed by dinner at a great restaurant.

This morning we hung out in our white fluffy robes, ate room service and watched the CBS Moring Show, followed by a bunch of episodes of HG*TV. The boys then did a little shopping while I took a bath in the great tub and packed up all my goodies to be ready for the limo ride home. I am still in total shock of the way I spent the past 24 hours. It was so much fun and so very special. Again, all I can do is think about how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends.

Having a drink to celebrate being 21?

2008-02-03T20:39:00.000-06:00

Gosh, remember how exciting it was to turn 21? I do...... I was in college in a place where you couldn't step into a bar until 21, so that birthday was a big event. Every bar had a special drink that you were given on that milestone day, and let's just say that they all didn't mix very well. It was a fun birthday (until the last of the drink mixing kicked in, that is)and the beginning of some really fun times. I was never really a big drinker, but being able to join my friends and hang out at the local college bars lead to so many of the stories and experiences that we still laugh about today. Ahhh, to be 21 again! For some reason, though, celebrating my 21st LIDiversary just doesn't hold the same excitement. (She says sarcastically)

Comparing turning 21 and turning 40 this past week are interesting to compare. For my 30th birthday I went to Paris with an ex-boyfriend, my best friend and his partner. It was fun and exciting, and a memory that I hold dear, but a quieter milestone celebration. All the other birthdays between 21 and 40 have been celebrated with small gatherings of my arranging and 1:1 lunches and dinners. Some years have been memorable, and others kind of disappointing. I'm sure that's the way it goes for us all. As I spent the last year anticipating this one, I couldn't really figure out how I wanted to spend it in a way that was special. Being single added a challenge to this for me. If I were married I imagine my husband would be doing more of the thinking and planning (at least in my fantasy), rather than me. A few months ago a good friend asked if she could have a party for me. I initially said no, as I wasn't comfortable with someone doing that for me, and I am generally a small gathering kind of person, than one who likes big parties. I eventually changed my mind and decided to let go of control and let her do this for me. We came up with a guest list of 14 of my closer friends, so it was small enough to really talk to people, but big enough to feel like a party. The even took place last night. A whole bunch of other things have been planned over the course of the next few months including a mystery weekend away next weekend, a family gathering in MI at the end of the month, and a bunch of 1 on 1 dinners with friends. I have a bunch of high school and college friends who will also turn 40 this year, so a few weekend co-celebration trips have also been scheduled. So, it turns out that this celebrating will go on for a few months. There was, and will be, far less alchol involved in these celebrations then there was for 21, but the love and laughter involved has multiplied beyond measure.

It is hard to put into words how lucky I feel to have so many wonderful and loving people in my life. I think in my 30s I spent so much time tryng to contol things out of insecurity and fear. I somehow thought if I could anticipate everything in advance and plan or problem solve everything, I would always be ok. I am learing that I am a strong person and can be ok even when I am not in control, and when I don't take charge other people often step up. I have been working at letting go of the illusion that I am in control for a while now. I haven't mastered it yet, but am doing so much better. This adoption journey has certainly forced this issue a bit. While I put some things in place for this birthday, I have contorlled very little of how things have (will) play out. Not being invested in the outcome and dynamics has allowed me to experience more joy than I would have imagined. It feels so nice to let others give to you because they want to.

Turning 40 seems like a really big birthday, as it used to be considered the start of "middle age" but I don't think it really means that anymore. I certainly don't feel middle aged, especially since I am still waiting to become a mom for the first time. The age bothers me much less than the fact that I am still waiting, but I won't go there today. It is a bit strange to think, though, that I was graduationg high school when my parents were celebrating the bigh 4-O and each having a classic mid-life crisis. I guess "they" are right when they say that 40 is the new 30, as that feels pretty fitting to the way I feel inside. The night of my 21st was fun, but when I compare the calmness and clarity I feel internally to the frenetic energy of that time, I get the sense that the best is only yet to come.

Gearing up for the big 40

2008-02-01T19:55:00.000-06:00

Thought I would do a little catch up after my last post. My friend A's surgery went well and she is healing quickly. The doctors have classified her as having stage 3 breast cancer. I was really hoping for 1 or 2, as moving into a 3 feels like much more scary territory. The tumor was much bigger than they expected it to be, but the lymph nodes were clean. Hearing that part was such a relief! Now she is recovering and gearing up for both chemo. and radiation. It feels good to be there for her and her family.

My trip to Arizona was really nice. The day I left was so cold in Chicago that the cab driver couldn't get any of the car doors open, except his. He had to kick the passenger door open from the inside to let me in. So, the 65 degee temperature in AZ felt like a heat wave to me. My friends have in a little adobe on 7 acres of land. It was really nice to sip lattes on the porch each morning and watch the hummingbirds, quail and roadrunner have their breakfast. My friends have been going to this same spot (they live in OH full time) for years, so know all the ins and outs of the good hiking tails. We took a few hikes (more like hike walks, as I am a little wimpy) and I learned a lot about desert animals and plants. We got one day of rain, and what an event that turned out to be! I think they got over a foot of rain in less than 24 hours. Many of the roads near where I was staying became washed out and the news stories buzzed about people needing to be rescued. Life is never dull.

The timing of my trip to AZ was as a kick off for celebrating my 40th birthday. I am someone who believes in streatching out the celebrations as much as I can, so I trought I would start a few weeks earlywith the trip. My parents gave me some money to buy something special for my birthday, so last December I attended a big art show in Chicago and made a purchase. My beutiful Metalquilt mirror arrived a few days after my trip, and I am so excited about it. It's particularly special to me, as it was designed and made by 2 fellow waiting adoptive parent that I have had the pleasure to meet up with a few times since starting the process. If you haven't checked out their work yet, you must pop over to their site at www.metalquilt.com

I don't have my mirror on the wall yet, but wanted you all to see it.

Will keep you all posted on the birthday festivities. I am determined to celebrate my life and good fortune and try to stay out of the mode of fixationg on what I am missing right now. As I've talked about many times before, the sadness and yearning for my daughter never goes away, but am trying to not spoil some very cool things by letting it take over right now.

Coming up for air (almost)

2008-01-22T20:56:00.000-06:00

I have a group of friends with whom I celebrate the new year each year. This year was the 19th year of this tradition. While some friends no longer attend, and others have joined in, the ritual has continued. The ways we have carried in the new year have changed ranging from formal wear, to tacky, to pjs. Some years we have gone out, and others we have stayed in. The thing that has been most consistent is the laughter! This year a group of us went for a few days to a small spa in WI. We rented a villa and did lots of hanging out, eating, and enjoyed a treatment or two. For NY we got all dressed up and headed to the ballroom for a 5 course dinner and band. It didn't take long to figure out that we were the youngest in the room. After dinner we quickly headed to the other party at the resort, only to learn we were the oldest in that room. When I looked at my watch and realized that it was only 10:30, I knew we were in for a long night. We eventually found a long table and all just started drinking, and then drank some more. By 11:00 our table transformed to dancing and singing fools. Its been a very long time since I remember having a night like that. The next morning reminded me of why that is!

Once I returned home from WI, I hit the floor running and haven't stopped. My computer totally died on the 2nd, which threw me more than I would have guessed. It was about 10 days before I was up and running with a new computer, as nothing on my old system was compatible with my new one. Not being very computer savvy, let's just say that my getting up and running was no easy task. I had many of conversations with help desks in India and the Philippines. I hadn't realized quite how addicted I was to my e-mails, yahoo groups, and the RQ until I was finding myself choosing a quick peek online between clients at work, over going to the bathroom. I seriously felt like I was going through DTs from Internet withdrawal. Thank goodness I am again plugged in and can resume my close friendship with g**gle.

In addition to my computer saga, a drama filled home refinance, and a busier than usual crisis filled client caseload, I cracked a tooth. I don't know about all of you, but dental insurance is not one of the 8 insurance policies I carry. So, $1000 later, I am the proud owner of a new crown. I'm hoping that this now makes me a card carrying queen.

When I have a lot going on I feel a current going through my body that doesn't let me easily settle. My current anxiety buzzing is felt on two different levels - the superficial part of me that gets a little out of whack when things aren't predictable and relatively orderly, and the deeper level of concern. Tomorrow one of my closest friends will be having a double mastectomy after her recent diagnosis of breast cancer. This puts many of the life's little aggravations listed above in perspective. Unfortunately, my adrenalin in my body doesn't quite get that part yet. I will get to see "A" in the morning before she is wheeled into surgery and then will hang with her husband, "B" in the waiting room. I am nervous for "A" and worried about what they may find. Even though I sit with people in various levels of pain each day through my work, I am feeling a bit anxious about being there in the moment with "B" if the news is less than ideal. I am hoping for the best, but can't help but secretly run through some of the "what ifs..." Please send out good thoughts to "A" and her family.

Thursday I am off for vacation in AZ to visit some dear friends. I planned this long before knowing about "A" surgery, so I feel a little strange leaving town right after. However, I know she has a long road ahead of her, so I will have many other opportunities to show my love and support. I really need this vacation. Between the adoption roller coaster and life's ups and downs, I'm starting to feel a bit crispy. I didn't take a vacation (beyond weekends away) all last year, as I was still thinking things in adoption land would speed up, so I wanted to save the time and money. Since we know I have plenty of waiting time ahead of me, its time to hit the friendly skies.

Once I am back I promise to be a more attentive blog reader, commenter and poster. Until then.........

A-R-T

2008-01-03T18:15:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year everyone! Unfortunately, I continue to be a terrible blogger and won't fool myself by adding more frequent entries as one of my new year's goals. As I have said before, I don't really have a lot to say. The whole truth is that I don't have a lot of *positive* things to say and I hate being someone who complains all the time. It is hard to admit to myself how much I seem to struggle with being able to find the silver lining in this adoption process these days, and creating posts forces me to look at the ugly negative side of me, rather than the one I'd prefer to show. The dilemma in my silence, though, is that I know I am not alone in this struggle and pain, and always feel so validated when reading many of your posts about your own struggles (even if I haven't been commenting lately). I feel I need to do my share of expressing in hopes that others will benefit from the sense of connection and reminder that we are all in this together.

The more wait times increase, with neither answers nor explanations given, the more scary and uncertain things feel. I find it harder and harder to talk with people about my feelings and experiences outside of the adoption community, as the responses never make me feel better. Often they make me feel worse. Explaining the same process to the same people for years, in response to why I don't have a baby yet and when it will happen, is exhausting. Yes, I know it will be worth it when my time comes, and I am not sure about some higher spiritual reason for all of this. Why must people invalidate how I currently feel by saying something trite? Why do people think they are so brilliant to suggest that maybe I should check out other countries? I am not an idiot, of course I have thought about and explored other options, and China seems to be the best answer for me. Trust me when I say that, rather than challenge it. I have even experienced few insensitive (and self-centered) folks who assumed I had my baby already and were upset with me for not keeping them in the loop. WTF do I do with that one? Recently,those closest to me have been telling me to not pay attention to the wait times and just live my life. Do they know how hard it is to do what they are recommending? Not to mention, that it somehow trivializes the event I am waiting for. The rest of my world just doesn't ask. This somehow also hurts and makes me feel alone.

I do believe that all my wonderful friends and family mean well and really just don't know what to say. Just about any response feels invalidating these days. Was trying to talk to my mom about this last night when expressing my upset about the recent referral batch. I told her that while it may be uncomfortable to see me in pain, I needed to have my feelings validated. She asked me if it would feel better if she responded by saying "Shit!" when I told her the news. I was relieved that she got it and thanked her. Then I realized that we were way beyond the "shit!" category, and that at this point nothing less than "Fuck!" would do the trick. We were laughing hysterically as we tried to come up with worse and worse validating responses. I have now titled this conversation as "appropriate response training" (A-R-T) and now plan on training as many folks in my world as I can. Any suggestions you all have to offer would be much appreciated.

While I have some wonderful things planned for my life over the next year, it still does not take away the pain of waiting. When I made this goal I somehow believed it would. Maybe it will take the edge off a bit, but waiting with no road map sucks, no matter how you slice it. Hopefully my A-R-T will help take away the isolation edge.

Fluff

2007-10-19T16:27:00.000-06:00

I know I suck as a blogger these past few months, and am sorry I have been a bit MIA. Just didn't have anything to say, nor the energy to even try to be creative as I have been kind of shut down. I have not been commenting much on other's blogs either, but have been reading along. So, I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about all of you. Also, thank you to those who have contacted me to see how I have been.

So, since I have last been "in touch" 2 more LIDiversaries have passed and a whopping total of 9 days have been referred. I am 160 LID away from referral and at the rate of 5 days referred a month I seem to have another 32 months to go. I know it can't stay at this rate forever, but am SO sick of bouncing back each month from thinking "this will be the month where things start to speed up" followed by the crash of disappointment. My response is to get pissed, then become panicked, then do research on my other options, end up deciding to stick with China, then feel hopeless, powerless and terrified I will never get the chance to become a mom, and then I eventually recover.....for a while. Also on my mind is that I will be turning 40 this coming February, which feels like a brutal insult to injury since I never would have thought when I started this process that I wouldn't be totally immersed into motherhood by that time. These past few months I have been in my deepest lows since starting this process, as I think my elasticity has just warn out. I have gone underground a bit and now am now trying to make a plan for the sake of my sanity.

I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but am resigned to the idea that I will not see a referral(at least)until the end of 2008. I CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE THIS WAY for another year. I am working to schedule one big thing a month during the 2008 year. This big thing needs to be something that requires a little planning and something I won't be able to easily do when I become a mom. I don't have a lot of extra cash, so this will require some creativity on my end. I don't have much in place yet and would love to hear creative ideas that you may have or are doing for yourselves. I am generally pretty intense and value things intellectually stimulating. I know I need to balance some of that stuff with pure fluff, if I want to replenish my energy for the damage done during the past two years. While I think I will still have baby on my mind a lot of the time, I am going to try and refrain from so much baby stuff until at least the summer of 2008.

I did my first thing today (jump starting my 2008 plan) and feel really good about it. I am a girly girl and like close and make up. However, I am very practical with my money, so don't tend to buy a lot. I had my make up done 8 years ago (for a subtle look) and have been wearing mostly the same things every day, year round, with most clothing colors ever since. I decided it was time for an update. A girlfriend and I went today and had our make up done at the Bobby Brown counter at Nordstroms and then did lunch. Had to face the fact that I have also aged (yes, pushing 40) since this was first done and my typical very low maintenance process needed a bit of an upgrade. I am now the proud owner of products that even out my skin tones and help the circles under my eyes. Also got some newer colors to "enhance" my features. And you know what????? I didn't think about the adoption most of the day. Sure it is always back there, but today instead of wearing a happy mask to cover my deep sadness, I decided to leave my sadness at home for a bit and let myself play. Have to keep remembering to do this!

When "Plan B" became "Plan A"

2007-08-31T17:05:00.000-06:00

I have been sitting with this post for a long while and decided it was time to share a bit more of my "story" and how I got here....

On every birthday after turning 30 I started to calculate how many childbearing years I believed I had left. I selected 43 as the magical year when life would forever change, as that was the last year I believed it was reasonable for me to get pregnant. The number wasn't based on research done or discussions with my physician, but rather a number that seemed far enough off that I still could feel hope that I would find someone to marry and together start a family. I developed my Plan B which was if I hit the witching year of 43 without a mate, I would adopt a baby from China on my own. This "plan" was not much of a plan, as I never put thought into it beyond "how many more years until 43". Each year I would do the math and experience relief recognizing I still had 11..10..9...years left, therefore, I was still ok. Around 35 this started to change.

As I continued about my business trying to live a full life as a 30-something single, I started to become more and more aware of that biological clock ticking in my ear. I dated some, but found it harder and harder each time I met someone new. I felt this strange pressure to quickly assess if he was "the one" and if not, I needed to move on. It was hard to really shake off the ticking of the clock and fully be open to this new person. Somewhere along the way I felt as though I had lost the luxury of time. I worried about spending too much time with the "wrong" person, and waste my remaining good years of fertility. Not only was I counting the birthdays until 43, but I had a running stream of consciousness of calculations: "How long do you date before becoming engaged?"... "How long of an engagement is reasonable?"..."How many years should we be married before starting a family?" All the calculating was making me crazy. Not to mention, it was NOT helping my dating life. I was no longer sure if I was looking for my soul mate or interviewing potential fathers.

I periodically threw out teasers when talking to my mom about my Plan B. However, anytime she started to ask questions about my consideration of insemination or adoption I quickly ended the conversation, as I wasn't REALLY ready to think about the possibility. A single woman in my book club decided to have a baby on her own. She was in her early 40's and went though several rounds of IVF to get pregnant. Once she was pregnant she sold her condo. in the city and purchased a house in the suburbs. I admired her courage immensely, as she was the first person I knew to do this. I watched from afar as she humbly took on this challenge.

I look back now and realize I was probably depressed during much of my 36th year. I felt terrified that I would never find someone. I attended workshops examining my singleness. I was desperate to figure out what I was doing that was getting in my own way of my goal to be married and have a family. I blamed myself for my state of aloneness. I looked around at couples I knew and watched those I didn't know. I wondered what it was about those partnered women that allowed them to be married and me to be single. I came up with many erroneous reasons, but none really made logical sense.

As my 37th birthday approached I calculated "only 6 years left until 43." Instead of relief this time that I still had 6 years, I felt hopeless. I reviewed conversations in my heard I had had with some of my single female friends in their late 40s who shared the pain they went through as they grieved their hope of having children. I was so frightened that I was beginning to walk down that path. Granted I still had years of fertility left, I just didn't want to become a part of THAT group. I have always been someone who made my dreams happen. I couldn't quite figure this one out. I wanted to have a family so badly I could taste it, but I knew I wasn't willing to settle to be with someone who I knew was not right for me, just so I could be married. I felt so stuck.

Several weeks after I turned 37 my parents came from MI to visit. We went to dinner before I drove them to the airport. I always felt a bit sad before the goodbyes, so when I found myself being a little melancholy I wasn't totally surprised. At dinner we talked about family connections. I told them how envious I was that they had a sense of fulfillment through their relationships with their children. I unexpectedly broke down as I shared my fear that I will never be able to experience this with my own child. My mother said "we'll help you get a daughter" as a way to help me out of my despair, but I dismissed it in the moment wanting to just regain my composure. We chatted about superficial things while the heaviness in the air remained during dinner and on the trek to the airport. As I kissed my parents goodbye and started to head towards home, something significant shifted inside of me. Out of what felt like nowhere, I found myself questioning why it was that I needed to wait until 43 to consider my options to become a mom. As silly as it sounds, it was the first time that it dawned on me that I could do it sooner. For the first time in years, I felt an expansiveness inside rather than the gripping tightness that comes with trying to make something happen that is out of your control. I realized that I could get married at any age, but I wanted to be a mom now. I didn't want to be single, but knew I could be ok alone. The idea of never having the opportunity to become a mom, though, was something I could not live with.

Once I opened my mind to becoming a single parent NOW, things started to become more clear. I realized that if I went with my Plan B at 43, it had the potential of feeling like a consolation prize rather than a choice. The idea of exploring my options now felt incredibly empowering to me. It would be no longer feeling like a victim, but taking charge of something I valued deeply. I had no concept of what the adoption process entailed, the cost involved, and how the hell I could make it work, but felt good about the clarity I was feeling. During that car ride home my Plan B became Plan A.

Fingerprinting rant continues

2007-08-31T07:53:00.000-06:00

Heard back from the Orphan Unit worker yesterday about my weekly UCIS letters for fingerprints. She said my last prints done were "unclassified" so I need to show up to the appointment next Friday. Fist, what exactly does unclassified mean? Second, how was it that I was supposed to know this? The letters I received for fingerprinting appointments were exactly the same each time. The latest two did not say you failed your last fingerprinting test and you need to come back. Why is it that these government offices seem to get worse and not better over time? My best friend blames just about everything bad on JWB, would this be his fault too? Very happy to point my unclassified finger in his direction.

So the dilemma in all of this is that I have a 10:45 am flight on day of the appointment. (Going to MI to celebrate my grandmother's 95th birthday.) My fp appointment is at 8am. I am fearful to try and change this appointment, as one can only imagine that this will only put me deeper into fingerprinting hell. But, unless things go smoothly, I may be pushing it to make my flight on time.

You know I look for the silver lining in just about everything. In this case, the longer it takes them to get my fingerprints worked out, the longer it will take for them to approve my new I171H. Last time around I was stalking the mailman and crying because it took so long to get it and I just wanted to be DTC so I could speed up my wait. This time, I want the latest possible date on my I171H, in hopes that it will not expire again before I get my referral.

Fingerprinting Hell

2007-08-29T20:11:00.001-06:00

I feel like I am in the movie "Groundhogs Day" with regard to my expired fingerprints. Don't even get me started on the theme of why it is that fingerprints expire and we have to pay to have them done again. I will spare you all that kvetching (translation: Whining and complain). But, what I do need to vent about is how messed up the system seems to be.... I know, big surprise.

My CIS prints expired in 4/07 and I applied to have them done again when I sent in my 1600A application at the end of May. I received my initial fingerprint appointment letter the day before I was supposed to appear at the USCIS office, and was not able to make it on such short notice, since I am quite popular and had other plans.....ok, I had to work. So I followed the directions for rescheduling the appointment. I wanted to get it right, as I certainly didn't want to mess things up at this stage of the game, so I called the 800 number to verify. The woman who took the call had no clue what I was talking about. I sent back the notice letter along with a cover letter explaining the situation and waited for my new appointment to be set. Six weeks goes by and I don't hear anything about a new date. I again call the 800 number, and AGAIN the person who takes the call has no clue what to tell me. She starts making random guesses, which are clearly random guesses. I ask her to find out the facts and she tells me she doesn't know where to get the information. I eventually contact my local orphan officer and she tells me a new appointment letter will come the following week. And it does. Whew.

I go to my appointment on 8/08/07 and all goes smoothly. I did my homestudy update 2 weeks ago and begin to wait for my new I171H to arrive. Last week I receive an envelope from USCIS and my heart skipped a beat. How could it be possible that I could already be receiving my new I171H, especially when the first one took three months post fingerprinting and HomeStudy? Ya, right. No I171 in that envelope, but instead an appointment letter for fingerprinting to be done. I'm a bit confused, since I already did it and have not heard that I "failed" the appointment. I decide it was an error and disregard the letter. Today I come home to find a letter from USCIS and again think, wow they are fast on the renewals. Guess what? You've got it, another fingerprintinting appointment scheduled a week after the letter from last week. What the f***? How do I interpret this? Was there a problem with my original prints, or am I stuck in a computer loop somewhere? Dare I call the 800 for assistance? Not! Just sent off an e-mail to the orphan officer, and am hoping she will know.

Anyone wanting to place a bet on if I will get yet another appointment letter next week? I just want a baby, is that too much to ask.

Out of love with sugar

2007-08-27T20:40:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm not exactly out of love with sugar, but now that I have a little perspective I will say that my relationship with it is forever changed. Got my cholesterol results back from the doctor today. Would you believe that my overall number went down 54 points and my LDL (bad) went down 38. My HDL has always been pretty good. So, if this isn't an endorsement for me to keep this sugar thing in check, than I don't know what is!

Thanks to all of you who left such supportive comments on the last post.

My love affair with sugar

2007-08-23T15:27:00.000-06:00

I'm a sugar junkie and am not afraid to admit it. My love affair started when I was very young, and has grown in intensity and variety over the years. I come from a long line of junk food junkies, so it shouldn't really be much of a surprise. During graduate school, my daily breakfast consisted of diet coke and m&m's, gatherings with good friends are not complete without rough cookie dough, and sugary Carmel macciato's at Starbucks need a packet of splenda to make it taste less bitter. I never crave salty, but always have a taste for sweet. I make attempts to pack healthy lunches for work, with a sweet treat included as to not feel deprived. By 10am the treat is always gone. The carbs. are always soon to follow. Even my veggie preferences lean in the sweet direction, with carrots, peas and corn topping the list as favorites. As you can see, I am no novice in the sweet department.

In May when I had my most recent physical, my doctor put me on notice to do something about my cholesterol, as it has moved into the zone of concern. My "good" cholesterol has always been quite good, so in the past there was not a lot of concern for my overall number. This year was different. I was told that I had 3 months to see if I could make changes on my own, or he would recommend medication. I knew that a lot of this has to do with genetics, and most of my family members are on Cholesterol lowering medication, but I had a strong sense that my eating patterns played a role. I decided I was up for the challenge. While I do a lot of the "right" things with regard to healthy eating, my never ending cravings for those things sweet certainly must be having an effect. The doctor told me to see if I could cut back on the "goodies" and come back in three months for a re-test.

I decided that I needed help with this, as the cravings are just so darn intense, so I sought out a nutritionist colleague for some guidance. After a pretty comprehensive assessment, she/we decided that a Candida / Yeast cleansing was in order, as I had many symptoms that things were out of whack. When I heard the list of items I needed to refrain from eating I was a bit freaked out, as it was basically my entire diet. But, it was only for 2 months, so I decided to pull it together and give it a try.

For two months my diet consisted of mostly protein and some veggies, and several supplements. Anything sweet (including sweeteners) was off limits, as was anything processed, containing yeast, vinegar, or dairy. During the first 2 weeks I felt like I had been hit by a truck - Withdrawal, I am told. I had to totally rethink the way I ate. For weeks I would get to the end of the grocery store with only a few items in my cart. Eventually, I learned to be creative and got the hang to things. I grew more competent, and craved less.

I officially finished my two months last weekend and am now working to integrate "normal" foods again. What amazes me most is that I truly do not crave carbs and sugar at this time. Still don't crave veggies, as I hoped I would, but am aware of the need for protein in ways I never have before. I hope to never go back to how it was, but will have to be careful to not get lazy.

On the medical front, a lot has happened. My allergies and reflux have almost totally gone away and my brain feels clearer than it has in a long time. The bonus was that I have lost 13 lbs. Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for my cholesterol test. Keep your fingers crossed for me, as I'm really needing the positive reinforcement for my hard work.

Heartache, A Sticky Irish Guy and Two Fabulous Women

2007-08-20T18:30:00.000-06:00

Went to Southern Ohio over the weekend to visit some dear friends. R and A have been like my big brother and sister since I met R while doing my internship in 1991. They have been very good to me over the years, and we have remained pretty connected, even though I moved away 12 years ago. This spring A was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He is currently undergoing some pretty intense radiation treatment and quite possibly has some complications that will not go away. A has had a tough road, as he had some pretty serious cardiac issues just 3 years ago. For a health conscious man of 54, who eats "right" and exercises daily, A is feeling a bit defeated. I needed to go spend some time with the two of them, as it has been a pretty crappy past few months for them, and it was the best way I knew how to show my love and support. I'm so glad I went, and I believe they are glad I came. With that said, it was so painful to see someone who is usually so full of life seem like he aged 15 years since I saw him a year ago. Hopefully in time he will improve and R and A will both be like their old selves again.

The wisest thing I did to balance out the weekend is contact CJ of "Somewhere in China" and Krista of "A Million Miles to Mia" (no clue how to connect you to their blogs)and ask if they would be willing to meet up with me, since I would be in their neck of the woods. I am so thrilled that they agreed to meet me for dinner at P.F. Changs. As those of you who read my blog know, I don't tend to reveal a lot of my personal information here. To quote Krista, I "keep my blog such a mystery". I have been following their blogs for close to a year and feel like I know so much about their worlds that it seemed perfectly normal for me to contact them, as I just knew we would hit it off. They, however, really had not clue who this crazy "M" woman was that was contacting them, so I feel pretty fortunate they agreed to go with it.

I was totally right about knowing how much I would like CJ and Krista. They are two truly fabulous women. We were together for almost 6 hours that went buy in a flash. Before I left R and A's house I asked for a key in case they were sleeping when I got back. R said " you are meeting these gals at 6pm, I'm sure I will be wide awake when you get home." When I got into my car at 11:45, I discovered a VM message from R stating that she didn't want to act like my mother, but was concerned as I couldn't still possibly be with these two women that I had never met before. While she worried a little, we were closing down the bar at Max and Ermas. We chatted about all kind of fun things, and I found myself about to snort my "Sticky Nutty Irishman" aka "Sticky Irish Guy" out my nose from one of the many hilarious things that was said. They were as warm, funny and down to earth as I imagined. Was sad to say goodbye at the end of the gathering, and really look forward to the next get together.

R waited up for me and loved hearing about my evening. She was as surprised as I was when I showed her the adorable "Everyone loves a brown eyed girl" tee gift from CJ and a beautiful soft blanket and pop up book from Krista. It was fun to share my experience with her and it brought a little light energy into the room.

I have said this before, but need to say it again. One of the most unexpected and wonderful parts of this adoption journey has been all the people I have had the good fortune to meet. Never in a million years did I think I would be meeting friends online from all over the country (world) and have blind date gatherings to meet them face to face. If the wait was what I expected it to be, I would have probably not connected beyond cyber showers and post card exchanges. The new friends I have met along the way have been a gift that I will forever cherish.

Fifteen

2007-08-08T14:03:00.000-06:00

(Can't get image to show up for some reason. It is of a Sesame Street Character and the number 15 with fifteen pies floating in the air to practice counting)

Tomorrow will reach fifteen months since my dossier was logged in with the CCAA. I like this picture because it looks like the pies are floating in the air, which is a bit like I feel about this adoption right now. Floating IN the air is very different than floating ON air. I only wish I could go back to the feelings of floating ON air that I felt in those early days of the adoption. To celebrate I went and had my fingerprints done again, as they expired back in April. Still can't understand how fingerprints expire, but know that if I have to go back to have them done a 3rd time in another fifteen months someone may have to talk me of the ledge.

The first time I was printed I was truly in the walking on air place. I was excited to be taking steps towards becoming a mom, and each thing I could check off my list brought me one step closer. I really had no idea that there were many miles ahead hiding around the corner. At that time, I wanted the USCIS fingerprinting dudes to ask me why I was getting fingerprinted. I felt like I was beaming with joy when I could share the journey that I was on. I was amazed by the computerized fingerprinting machines and how each fingertip looked so different from the next, as they were sent off into into some central database somewhere. Everything felt new and in service of a goal. I felt like I was in a race; the faster I was at taking care of all the details, the faster I would become a mom.

Today was a different story. The process has changed since the last time. Much more organized, yet somehow it took much longer. They are more concerned about security now, so you have an assigned time rather than go anytime once you receive you notice. You are no longer allowed to bring your cell phone, cameras, or beverages inside the site. They want to have a list of every person who is in there at every moment, as well as do all they can to prevent explosives from entering the facility. I know this is all a part of the way our world in the US has continued to change post 9/11. I was not upset by these added steps, as I don't mind added security. For me this change was just another marker of time passing while I wait.

There was a nice couple sitting next to me while we waited for our number to be called. We struck up a conversation. They were finishing up their home study to adopt from the Philippines. The exhibited such exuberance as they shared a little about their process. I was aware of the envy I was feeling about their excited energy, just wishing I was not feeling so jaded and defeated. They wanted to know if I was almost finished with my dossier. I laughed as I said that mine had been finished now for 16 months and this was my second set of prints. I said it with all the humor I could find, but was still met with a look of both pity and fear in response. Hopefully their journey will go a bit more smoothly.

I am not in the depths of despair I was a few months back, but I still have not totally found my zen space with this. Some days I am there, but others it just feels like floating in a suspended reality. I know this feeling is shared by so many, as I read the same sentiments on the boards, other blogs and the RQ forum. No matter how much I try to totally let go, though, I suspect it will be hard to do until I see the extending wait times start to level off. I don't need to know the exact time frame anymore, just would settle for the year.

The Nail Shop

2007-07-31T22:07:00.000-06:00

One of the self care things that I regularly do for myself is get frequent manicures. I have been going to the same shop for about 8 years. What initially drew me to this Korean owned shop was the inexpensive ($12) manicures with a 5 minute back rub at the end. And, OMG, the pedicures....... for $30 they massage your legs and feet for close to an hour. While the massaging and good prices (along with the cleanliness) got me through the door, it's the personality of the place that has kept me going back over the years. I've often thought they should do a sit. com. about he place.

First there is "K" the owner, who I think of more like the madame of the place. She brings her little dog (sometimes 3)to the shop with her, and treats her "girls" well and protectively. K saunters around the she shop, always wearing something that sparkles and has eye makeup that I haven't much seen in the past few decades. Each time someone enters or leaves the shop, all the girls in their very thick Korean accents yell out a personalized greeting or farewell. They are very friendly, at least when we can understand, but do a fair share of chatting to each other in their native tongue. I'm sure they have never said anything bad about me (lol) but you've got to wonder what (who) it is that they are giggling about.

The clientele of the shop is very interesting. It is situated in the heart of an Orthodox Jewish Community. Getting your nails done on a Friday can be a totally different experience than a Saturday. On Friday afternoon, all the Orthodox women come in with their covered heads and long skirts, to have their nails done before sundown when the sabbath begins. They talk about their 10 children, what they have prepared for sabbath evenings meal, and the local gossip. Even though I am Jewish, I feel like I am visiting another world as I sit there. I have learned so much while sitting under the nail dryers. Come Saturday the shop is very diverse. The political discussions, restauramt reviews, and travel stories shared at those dryers are rich, as well as are the take home stories of some people's bizarre public behavior. The best day was when some lady selling knock off designer purses out of her trunk showed up. You would think they were giving away cash. The amount of excited squawking and impulsive spending was like nothing I have ever seen before. I think in 30 minutes they sold something like 70 purses.

So a few days ago I get a call from K inviting me to join her and a few other customers for dinner on Tues. night. I though it was a bit strange, but couldn't get much clarification on the occasion due to the language barrier. I was a little apprehensive at first, as I didn't know who was going and why were were asked, as this was totally out of the norm. K has always been really good to me, occasionally giving me free eyebrow waxes or gift certificates, but this seemed a bit different. I decided to throw caution to the wind and agreed to go, even though I spent the day thinking of excuses to back out. My overactive imagination was getting the best of me, as I came up with all kinds of crazy ideas about what I thought was going to happen. It actually turned out to be a really fun evening. K and 3 of her "girls" were there and 7 other customers. We went to a Korean restaurant, where K did all the ordering and encouraged eating more than any Jewish grandmother I have ever met. The food was great and learning more about K and her life in Korea ended up being pretty cool I still have no idea of why she picked those of us that were there, but have to say I am pretty grateful to have had the opportunity.

Who know my little nail shop would become such a part of my life. I have met some great people there and the networking and idea sharing has been very rewarding. And the cast of characters..... I may have to send some ideas to Saturday Night Live.

5 things

2007-07-28T08:49:00.001-06:00

I am a little bit late to the meme, but thought I would join in since I don't have a lot else to say right now.

Five things I was doing ten years ago:
1. Planning a trip to Paris for my 30th birthday.
2. Doing the long distance relationship thing.
3. Just starting to thing about saving for retirement.
4. About to go into menopause (for 6 months) for the first time. (Lucky me gets to do it twice).
5. Working with a team of people who ended up being a significant springboard to the direction of my career.

Favorite Snack Foods:
1. M&M's and Diet Coke
2. Chex Mix (the real stuff, not from a bag)
3. Licorice
4. Movie popcorn
5. Cookies (raw and baked)

Five Songs I Know the Lyrics to:
1. Paradise By the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf
2. The entire Grease and Annie Soundtracks
3. Dance Ten, Looks Three (aka Tits and Ass) from A Chorus Line
4. Bridge over Troubled Water
5. Most Barry Manilow early tunes

Five things I would do if I was a Millionaire:
1. Buy a home with a little more space and decorate how I want to.
2. Give my parents enough money to retire in style with no cares in the world.
3. Pick a few favorite charities and donate a huge sum of money.
4. Put aside enough money for my retirement and my daughters college fund.
5. Randomly gift friends and family (and a few strangers) with things or money when I know they could use it most.

Five Bad Habits:
1. Over analyzing
2. Preparing for everything I can think of way to far in advance
3. Procrastinating paperwork for work.
4. Starting too many books at one time, leading to not finishing a lot of books.
5. Cleaning my ears too much.

Five things I like to do:
1. Have long dinners and great conversation with friends.
2. Spend time with my 4 year old niece.
3. Read
4. Travel (see new places)
5. People watch

Five things I will never wear again:
1. Really big hair
2. Big shirts and leggings
3. Shoes that hurt my feet, even if they are really cute.
4. Pointe shoes (I used to dance)
5. A bikini (even though that hasn't happened since high school).

I'm not sure there is anyone else left to tag. So, if you haven't done this yet, it's your turn.

Registering

2007-07-18T11:29:00.000-06:00

Last week when I reported my excitement to my mom about my carseat purchase, she wasn't as enthused as I would have liked. Don't get me wrong, she was happy because I was happy, but doesn't understand why I purchased this myself rather than putting it on a registry for someone else to buy. When I talk about the things I need to get, she often reminds me that people will be buying me gifts and I don't need to buy everything myself. I struggle with this concept. Am I alone here?

When I think about registering I mostly think about it in terms of organizing all the things I need and the particulars of the things I want I plan to use this list myself as a way to track taking care of what is on my list. I do know I will receive gifts and would be thrilled if those who buy will use my list as a guide, as there is so much I need right now. I have never been married, so have not experienced this gift giving and registering thing before. It feels strange to be asking for gifts and to telling people what you want. It also feels a little odd to have people know if I've picked the top of the line item, when I could have picked a less expensive option. In general asking for things, whether it be help, time or gifts is a bit uncomfortable to me. This triggers some of those feelings.

I certainly don't want to expect that friends and family will set me up with all I need to be prepared for the arrival of my daughter. I know there are some bigger ticket items that I feel I need to have in advance, so I will buy them myself. I want to be prepared so that when I come home with my baby I won't have to worry about running out to pick things up. I know I will have to do that some, but as a single mother who will be alone adjusting to this new role, and helping a baby adjust to a new world (not to mention both adjusting to jet lag)I want to be as set as I can before I go.

I think as a single woman I am used to doing so much for myself, by myself. When I need something done that I can't do I often hire someone. Sometimes I long for a partner to share the burden of these things. Other times I feel pride in my ability to problem solve and take care of things on my own. Being a single mother will be a true challenge for me in this department. I have created a wonderful village of other single parents who can commiserate and help each other, but I will need to learn to get better at asking for help and ACCEPTING help from others in order for me to not land in the booby hatch. I guess in a strange way, this whole registering thing is a step in that direction. I will not be asking for gifts, but will be letting those who would like to purchase something in celebration of this happy occasion give the things that will help me/us most. I will be working on learning to accept those things with ease and joy. Who knew gifts could lead to personal growth?

Retail Therapy

2007-07-13T19:01:00.000-06:00

Since making my exit from the review room and celebrating month #14 on Monday my mood had lifted. Surely I am finally at my half way point, right? Anyway, I have been doing a little retail therapy to celebrate. I am very excited to report that I am the proud owner of a new Puma print Britax Roundabout car seat. The best part, other than that it will look smashing in my car, is that I "won" it on E-bay for significantly lower than I have seen it anywhere. Something about buying a car seat makes this all feel real. I feel like I have really now joined the mom's club. I really want to install it in my car now, so I can feel REALLY cool, but I'm going to control myself and wait until I get my referral. Probably best for my mental health to not think about the fact that I could still probably come close to birthing 2 babies in that time frame.

In addition to my pretty new car seat, I made a few clothing purchases for the little one today. My favorite local children's clothing store it closing in 3 months, so they have some amazing prices right not. I have 8 bins filled with adorable hand-me-down little girl clothes ranging in size from 6 months to 2T, not to mention shoes galore. It's been fun gushing over and organizing all these great clothes, but there is still nothing like the feeling of buying things for your very own little girl. Because of the miniature clothing windfall, I have not really let myself buy much over the past 14th months, but today I gave myself the green light to indulge a little. I don't think I will make a habit of it, as I really am blessed with so much already, but I am working to get back that feeling of excitement and joy I felt so many months ago. It is so nice to buy things for your own child (to be) rather than gifts for someone else for a change. My turn is coming!!!!

Exhale

2007-07-05T13:13:00.000-06:00

I think I have been holding by breath for the past 14 months, and today I finally get to exhale. Waking up to see that the CCAA box had been changed to include the review of all of May 2006 documents was a total shock. I remember the excitement of FINALLY being DTC 4/27/06 and all the great anticipation that accompanied this. The belief that a referral would be 9-11 months down the road sent me into a flurry of activity. There was so much to learn, so much to buy, and so many "lasts" to enjoy. I joined a few yahoo groups and participated in a post card exchange, and several cyber showers. It felt so great to share the anticipation and excitement with others doing the same things. But as time went by, and wait times grew longer and longer, my enthusiasm started to wane. How do you keep your energy up when the wait will most likely be at least 3 times what you thought it would be? After so many rounds of disappointment when referral numbers seemed to dwindle, how do you protect your heart? For 14 months there has been no official movement (Well except for the expired fingerprints and process of re-filing of immigration forms, but I don't even want to go THERE!) on my adoption. Until today. Today I am feeling a small glimmer of hope that maybe this is really going to happen after all.

Waiting to pass review has been more of a stress than I realized. There is the obvious anxiety that we all face when hoping to adopt - that for some reason we will get turned down. But, the new rules added an extra set of worry for many of us. For me, as a single, I have feared that they would change their mind and not grandfather me in. Then, there were the April folks hanging out in the review room for what seemed like forever. That group seemed to be questioned and scrutinized like no other. Reading the reports of many being questioned about a wide range of things made me a bit batty. I heard many times that folks in April had to re-do their medicals because they were too old. Since I started paperchasing in Oct. 2005, I worried my physical would also be too old. I was terrified I would get pulled out of line and my adoption would get further delayed. I was due for a physical anyway, so I had the labs done again and had the doctor fill out and notarize the form again, just in case. For the past month I have been compulsively checking my VM in case my agency called stating the CCAA needed more information. Luckily they never called, and the bonus is that I got to find out again that I am HIV negative (even though there was no doubt) and my blood work is all normal. I didn't realize until today, just how much passing review was on my mind. Finally, something positive happened here.

I started my nursery around the time of being DTC, but it has been stuck in limbo for quite a while. My mantra has been "when I get through the review room I will....." for so long. The major things on that list are to finish the nursery and to register at Babies-R-Us. The registering is less about the gifts and more about my getting clear about what it is that I need and which items/brands/models I will choose. With the referral still so far off, I am wondering if I should change it to "when the CCAA starts referring 2006 folks than I will........" I guess I don't need to figure that out today. For today I will just cherish a little movement.

A Small Silver Lining

2007-07-02T19:36:00.000-06:00

I've been trying very hard to find as many silver linings as I can when it comes to how long this adoption is taking. There are the typical ones: time to save more money, time to get my home in order, and more time to enjoy my freedom. But today I realized one I am actually a little excited about.... another year of NOT having to go to the local parade.

I live in a city of about 75,000. I know this is not considered a "small town", but I have no idea where it falls in the size department. My town is a university town, it is diverse, and it's residents are generally both liberal and socially conscious people. Every year there is a Fourth of July Parade that goes down the street a block from my home. People get very excited about this parade. I hear it lasts for HOURS. Anyway, people get so geeked about this parade that they start setting up chairs to reserve their spots well before the 4th. In fact, it got so out of hand a few years ago when chairs started to be put out 10 days in advance, that the city had to institute a rule stating that chairs are not allowed to be put out until July 1st. Yesterday was the big day! Every year I forget that this happens until I am out on the street with my jaw hanging open. At the crack of dawn people started roping off areas, bringing out masses of plastic chairs with their names on them, and even a few sets of bleachers. Tonight when I drove past I saw hundreds of chairs lining either side of the 1.5 mile stretch. And the 4th is still 2 days away!
I just don't get it.

What is the draw to a non big air filled Garfield float local parade? Help me understand what is fun about standing (or sitting if you are a good planner) around for hours watching people walk by? I guess if you are at your local parade you may know a few people going by and want to show support. But, three hours to wave to a friend? If you have a parade that lasts for so long in a town of 75,000, does that mean that whoever isn't sitting in those reserved seats is in the parade? What am I missing? Maybe (hopefully) they have really good snacks!

I guess on some level I do get it, as I do have very fond memories of my years of attending the Gay Pride parade. Now that was something to watch and celebrate! Especially those male rifle twirlers, boy were they hot....Sorry, I digressed. I do understand that attending a local parade is a way to show community support and being outdoors with your neighbors celebrating a holiday. I guess I tend to be a more intimate or behind the scenes supporter, than hanging out with the masses. I know my daughter-to-be will probably love going and hopefully this will be something I will grow to enjoy. But, for this year I will celebrate my non-attendance!

I'm now a teen!

2007-06-10T20:11:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it has been just about a month since my last post. I seem to have little in the way of deep thoughts or even tangents these past weeks, so I haven't had much to share. Saturday was my 13 month LIDiversary. I guess I can now be considered a teenager in my waiting. Since I am now a teen, I am attributing my recent moodiness to "waiting puberty". I only hope I get a referral before I reach "waiting menopause", or worse, "waiting dementia". At least I still have my sense of humor, right?

Becoming a teen is about making transitions. Accompanying all that transitioning comes awkwardness and insecurity, as well and intense feelings ranging from on top of the world to despair. Teens spend a lot of time daydreaming about the perfect life they hope for, and their peers seem to mean everything to them as they try to find their way. The job of a teen is to begin trying to figure out who they are, what they value and their preliminary plans for the future. I relate to so much of this as I wait and anticipate making my transition to motherhood.

I'm sure I don't have to make much mention about the roller coaster ride of emotions that comes with waiting. We all know it so very well. Especially at the time of the month right before and right after referrals come out. Just check out the "cussing thread" on the RQ website to know you are not alone. Sure helped me. My point, though, is not to make this another post complaining about the pain of waiting. Instead, I am trying to focus on the transition to motherhood.

I have no idea what my daughter will be like or how she will make the transition from institutional living to the nurturing and attentiveness that comes with being in my family. I can daydream and fantasize about the best, but know I need to be prepared for the worst. During this time I am trying to learn as much as I can about attachment and parenting infants and toddlers. It is during this time that I am really thinking about the kind of parent I hope to be and the kind of values I hope to instill in my daughter. I think about the traditions I hope to share with my daughter from my culture, faith and family. I am slowly learning things about the Chinese culture with hopes of integrating them into our lives by creating new traditions. I am anxious and insecure about the new role that I will eventually play, but trust I will grow into my new skin with a bit of practice and a lot of support from my friends.

"You could stand to lose a little..."

2007-05-15T08:57:00.000-06:00

Spent some wonderful time with my 4 year old niece, J, this weekend. She is very extroverted, confident, and funny as hell. What concerns me, though, is her recent focus on weight. She wondered why I was not pregnant since I was going to have a baby, and questioned if it was because I didn't want to get fat. She later told me (and both of my parents) that I "could stand to lose a few". She knows she is not fat, but is very focused on the weight of those around her. Sure enough, I discovered that both my brother and SIL are on diets. Yes, they both could probably stand to lose a little, but my concern is how these little ears and eyes perceive what is being talked about and the amount of focus that is placed on it. I want to protect her from the weight (pun intended) of this issue, as so many of us worry that we are not OK because we look different than how we think we should by society's standards.

I grew up watching my mother pound her thighs in front of the mirror each day, as if the pounding would magically make them smaller. I heard countless moanings about her desire to be thinner and watched as she went from diet to diet. No surprise that I,too, ended up being very concerned about my weight, and to this day still have some struggles with body image. I don't blame these struggles on my mother, as she, too, is a victim of our crazy weight obsessed society. But, I do worry about how to help my daughter-to-be feel good about her body, and avoid the pain that this issue causes for so many.

In my therapy practice, I work every day with amazing, talented, smart, and kind hearted young women who struggle with serious eating disorders. In my years since starting to work with this population, I have seen the ages of girls being diagnosed with this disease get younger and younger. Very young girls talk about dieting and begin early on to discriminate against those who are overweight. It's really quite tragic! Societal messages about thinness are only a piece of what contributes to the development of an eating disorder, as it is a complex disease. While there are startlingly high numbers of girls who develop eating disorders, the numbers of non-eating disordered girls/women whose self esteem is effected because they believe they are fat seems to be the majority.

It is important to me to raise my daughter with a positive body image. She will get enough pressure from the society at large; she does not need to indirectly pick up any additional focus from me. The best gift we can give our daughters is to feel good about ourselves and our own bodies. They watch everything we do and can pick up the way we feel in the most subtle of ways. Our children don't need to see us diet or talk about our bodies in a negative way. We are the most important models they have. For me, this requires that I continue to do my work and make peace with the body I was given. As I explained to my niece, bodies come in all shapes and sizes. All are ok. One of the greatest gifts I could give my daughter is to be able to say that and mean it in my own heart.

12 Months

2007-05-09T10:13:00.000-06:00

Today is my 12 months LIDiversary. What this means, I no longer know. As I have anticipated this day for the past six months, I assumed it would mean that I was FINALLY at the VERY WORST CASE scenario half way point of my wait. I thought it would mean that no matter how many months I had ahead of me until my referral, I would have more months behind me. Well, now I just don't know that to be true. In some ways I feel like I am moving backwards, even though I know that is not really the case. I remember being DTC last April and thinking that there was nothing to do but wait, but today I am faced with expired fingerprints, a soon to expire I-171H and a physical that is most likely "too old". So, I start over with some of these items.

One of the things that really surprises me is that I have not yet cleared the Review Room. All of us waiting understand the anxiety related to this. I have been watching the CCAA slowly move through April 2006 dossiers, asking what seems like record numbers of questions as they appear to scrutinize more closely than ever. When my dossier was submitted, I had few concerns that I would not pass review. Since then there was the introduction of the "new rules", which increased my anxiety. While I have been told I will be "grandfathered in" as a single, I hold my breath a bit as I watch for the first set of referrals to be made post May 1st. Will there really be singles in that group? Will anything turn up at next weeks physical that will have to be reported if, in fact, the CCAA needs an updated physical from me? Will it be held against me that I have put on 10 lbs since this waiting has begun? If I get questioned by the CCAA in review, how much longer will that delay my referral? Why is everything moving in such s-s-l-l-o-o-w-w----m-m-o-o-t-t-i-i-o-o-n?

I knew going in that IA was a stressful process, but I really had no idea that it would be quite this much. I don't mean to be a drama queen here, just speaking my truth about my experiences. While I thought this 12 months LIDiversary would bring up feelings of relief and / or sadness, what I feel today is just numbness.

Taste test

2007-04-29T16:25:00.000-06:00

With my year LIDiversary right around the corner, and no clear idea if I am even at the half way point of my wait, it is getting clearer that I need to figure out how to channel some of my energy. I have a pretty full social life and am passionate about my career, but still am aware that the undercurrent of this pending adoption steals a lot of my focus and energy. Out of self preservation, I need to get excited about some other non baby related things, or it could be a really long year (plus?). I'm not really talking about the day to day thins, as those things continue to be in place and are going well. It something(s) bigger to invest my energy for which I am searching.

When I think about the kinds of things I want to do, though, I get a little stuck. I have done a lot of what I have wanted to do for the past 10 or so years. I opened my own practice 3.5 years ago and things there go pretty well. I have done several charity walks and volunteer work. I have been fortunate to have traveled a good deal, moved to a new place and decorated much of it, and have been involved in a number of clubs and groups that reflect my interests. I feel ready to be a mom NOW, waiting is hard when that is what I REALLY wish I was doing. To me it feels like I am hungry for a hot fudge sundae and nothing else seems like it will be the right match for what I am craving. The problem is that all the ice cream companies of the world have gone on strike, so I can't have my sundae. While I think about all the other food choices out there, nothing sounds good to me. Rather than starving, I must figure out a plan. It seems like I will need to do a taste test of a lot of different foods to know what else I would like to eat, since my minds eye can't really come up with something that I have a taste for, other than the sundae.

I have a few ideas of things I might like to do, but don't feel the enthusiasm I would like to feel. I suspect I may need to plan to do some of these things anyway, and hope that once I get in the groove, the feelings will come. Will keep you posted on the taste testing in months to come.

Just what the doctor ordered

2007-04-25T16:09:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in a while because I just didn't have anything to say. I think the past month was pretty brutal for many of us in China adoptionland, and like many of you I have had to spend some time trying to figure out how to get my footing back. I can't say I am in a peaceful place with the wait that keeps on growing, but am certainly feeling more like myself again.

I must admit that I did spend a few weeks gathering information on other adoption options. In my heart I never believed that I would change programs, as I feel a strong pull to China, but I needed to know for sure. I needed to see that the grass REALLY WASN'T greener anywhere else. I spoke with agencies about Vietnam and India, and and attorney about domestic options. I spoke to my agency about my options. I needed to spend a little time "doing" something to cope with how powerless I was feeling. In the end I am confident in my decision to stay the course with China and now need to keep working on my trusting that there really will be a baby at the end of this for me.

Last weekend I made a trip to Austin, TX with some other wonderful waiting parents I have met during this process. There were 7 of us for most of the weekend and 11 at one point on Saturday night. It amazes me how easy it was, considering how little face time (if any) any of us have had with each other in the past. It was refreshing to be with people who understand fully, with no set up and explanations of how things work. It was also great to learn more about each other, explore a new city, and to laugh all weekend long. I was so tired at the end of all that fun, but it was SOOOOOO what the doctor ordered.

On Friday it will be one year since I was DTC. I remember being so excited to be "paper pregnant" and, at the time, thrilled to have my part done and to have the rest be out of my hands. Little did I know how much I would later wish I had some control in this part of the process. My Altstin weekend helped fill up some of that depleted part of me, and now I feel ready to face these upcoming anniversaries and next batch of referrals with a little more reserve and a lot more strength.
Thanks C1 and the Goob for allowing that to happen and being such great hosts!

competing with the elephant

2007-04-08T16:40:00.000-06:00

Well, tomorrow will be month number 11 of this crazy wait. If I were an elephant, I would be at my half way mark of my pregnancy. Months ago I truly believed that my paper pregnancy would not last as long as the elephants gestation period, but today I am resigned to the fact it will extend beyond 22 months.

This month has been the most difficult one for me, so far. Maybe it is reaching month 11, while anticipating my year LIDiversary. Just as 29 was hard anticipating 30, and as 39, so far, has turning 40 very much in mind. I really think it has more to do, though, with living in limbo. Limbo is hard and eventually takes it's toll on even the most flexible of people. What I know about me is that my flexibility comes when I understand the big picture. I anticipate / worry in advance and make my plans, so I trust that I can handle what crosses my path. I have grown to accept that I am a bit anxious by nature, and have learned ways to cope with the hard wiring I was dealt. While I am excited to become a mom, I am also terrified about this new role (especially the doing it alone part). The waiting time initially was about gathering information and preparing myself, so that I could put my best foot forward. One would thing that the extra time would be a relief - more time to learn and prepare. But instead, it has caused me to short circuit. How do you plan when you don't know much about the baby you will be handed? How do you sustain momentum when you have no idea of the finish line? How to you keep your cheerleaders engaged when life continues to happen all around? I think I am just tired of the rollercoaster ride, and am trying to gear up for another year (plus) of the ride through limbo-land.

In addition to anxiety, there is also the joy factor. There are so many things to celebrate about becoming a mom. My fantasizing about my daughter goes in spurts, as does thinking about our new life together. Even an elephant has a good idea of when she will deliver her 200 pound bundle of joy. Not knowing when to really open my heart fully to this right of passage also takes it's toll. The joy and excitement creep in, but my self protective armour reminds me that doing this right now often leads to that painful achy feeling of longing. So, I measure out my moments of joy, trying to preserve the goodness of the feeling and prevent it from becoming too tainted. Living so defended is exhausting.

Like everyone currently in waiting, I hope that when the CCAA finishes referring through November of 2005, the referral pace will begin to speed up. That hope feels a bit dangerous, but is there. I know in my heart of hearts I am on the right path. I'm just not sure why it needs to be such a bumpy one.

Who would have ever known, when starting this process, that I would be competing with an elephant for the longest pregnancy of any mammal. I do think, though, I will let the elephant win in the weight gain category. It's only fair!

Wandering in the Desert

2007-04-02T18:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover. This holiday is significant as it marks the Jews Exodus from Egypt after generations of slavery. We review the Passover story each year at a special dinner, and celebrate our religious freedom, as well as other freedoms we are fortunate to have. The way the story goes, after the Jews left Egypt, they wandered the desert for 40 years before settling into their new lives in the Holy land. Passover for me is about jagged path journey of transformation.

I often feel like I am wondering through the desert on this adoption journey. I don't really mean to make light of this important holiday with this post, as I am fully aware that I have so many freedoms for which I am grateful. It's just that some days the journey feels endless and my quench for thirst is unbearable. Other days on this jagged path is filled with excitement and anticipation. The things I am learning about raising a child, China, adoption, and myself are are invaluable. But what I could do without is the mood swings that feel as extreme as bipolar disorder (Ok a little exaggeration). I generally think I am in a stable space with the wandering most of the time, but then something sets me off and it takes a few days to regroup. I hate listening to myself when I get into this pissy place, but I also know enough to believe in the importance of letting it run its course, rather than to invalidate it/myself.

So what has set me off today, you may ask???? No, it's not the false alarm stork alert. It's not even that I didn't get picked by my agency for the SN little girl I was totally drawn to on the most recent SN list. What gets me today is that old theme of feeling passed by. Lots and lots of births and new pregnancies in the past two weeks. Was managing it pretty well, until a friend who just started her adoption process from VN a few weeks ago was assured by her agency that she would have a referral by this OCTOBER. She started this process 2 full years after I did and will most likely be home with her baby 6 months before me. I know that it just may not work out that way for her, but it's the idea that is bugging me. I feel like I was the first of my single gal friends to brave the path and start the process to become a single mom. This friend has stated many times that she would have never thought of the idea, yet alone acted on it if it weren't for me. I have helped her with the knowledge I have gained during the past 2 years. It just doesn't seem fair that she should pass me by, while I continue to wander. I want to be happy for my friend, but an just to damn mad about not even being able to spot an oasis in my near future. Yes, I am having a pity party for myself. But, lets face it, no matter what kind of spin you put on it, wandering sucks! I truly believe both the personal transformation at the end, and of course, my daughter, will be worth the wait. Just have to deal with the momentary dehydration that comes with wondering the desert.

Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match....

2007-03-28T21:38:00.000-06:00

I am not a drama queen, at least I don't think I am. However, my life always seems to have a little extra "adventure" that is outside the norm. I was chatting with Lisa B the other night and tried to explain why it is that I believe I am the one responsible for record wait times in Chinese adoptionland. Bet you guys didn't know how powerful I was! It's just that very little I have done in my life has gone the way is is "supposed to". I am glad to report that it generally works out in the end, but it often gets a little crazy during the process. My example was that I have closed down every place I have ever worked. Even the most stable places, for some reason get shut down during my tenure, or shortly after I leave. Good thing I work for myself now.

I could share lots of stories that seem really funny today. Tonight I will pick just one.... About 5 years ago I was having lunch with a colleague/friend and I asked him about how he met his wife. He told me that he had gone to Yenta the Matchmaker and she found him the perfect match. I was not having such great luck on my own, so I got her number and scheduled my intake appointment. I showed up at this woman's apartment at the scheduled time and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer. Just as I am about to leave this old disheveled lady in a housecoat answered the door. I say that I am sorry, but I must have the wrong apartment, because clearly this confused woman was not expecting me. However, when I tell her who I was looking for, she tells me that it is her and she is sorry she forgot about our meeting. I apprehensively walk in. She shows me to her living room and excuses herself so she can go get dressed.

Ten minutes go by, giving me time to look through all kinds of stories written about her successes, and I start to calm down. The yenta comes back looking mostly together, except for the wig which is a little off center. She sits down and begins her interview. Through out the meeting, she questions, actually scolds, me when I don't express interest in people she deemed a "good catch". I think her only criteria for a "good catch" was making a lot of money and stating he was wanting to get married. I ignored my gut, because my friend (a doctor) had such positive things to say about her, and signed on for her services.

The first guy I matched with had no interest in dating ANYONE, he just was pleasing his friends who purchased a package for him as a gift. The second guy had been give a major discount by the matchmaker, because she needed more men in her pool. OY VEY! You get the drift. The protocol was that after a date, both people were supposed to call the matchmaker and give feedback and she would facilitate the next step. I called her and didn't hear back from her. Feeling a bit insecure that maybe I was a dating disaster, I waited a bit for her to call, but she never did. So, I finally call her and say that I hadn't heard from her and hadn't wanted to be a nudge and pester her. Her response was "Honey, I have Alzheimer's, you have to pester me or I will never remember to call you." I felt so bad for this woman, that I actually considered continuing with her. Then I came to my senses and did a disappearing act. Shortly after that she closed her business.

red thread

2007-03-25T20:29:00.000-06:00

While spotting ladybugs do nothing to reassure me that my referral is on its way, the concept of the red thread is something that holds some value for me. Was it predetermined in some mystical way that I am to meet and raise my future daughter? I don't know. But, I do like the idea that there could be something beyond both of our dossiers being at the top of a pile of the same time, and were therefore matched. There have been many people in my life that have taught me important lessons about living. I am grateful to have come across those people, even if the lesson was a painful one. Is there a "red thread" attached to those folks and myself? Again, I don't know, but like to believe my experiences are part of something larger than just a series of isolated and random acts and relationships.

During my paperchase I purchased a silver bracelet with a red thread running through the links. I decided to put it on when I became DTC ("Paper pregnant") and take it off once I meet my daughter. I mostly did this because I needed something physical to represent that I was in the process of becoming a mom, as I didn't have a belly (and all other physical symptoms that go with pregnancy) as my daily reminder of the journey I was on. I specifically chose the red thread bracelet because I want to believe that our two souls were meant to cross. While my bracelet is now looking a bit weathered, I love the momentary feeling of excitement and anticipation I feel when I am thinking about something totally different and I happen to look down at my left wrist.

Last week I was having lunch with a colleague and she notice that we had the same bracelet. When she excitedly pointed it out I found myself feeling a bit confused, as I knew she was not adopting. It turns out she wears hers to represent her following the Kaballah. The red sting laced through the silver chain was an upgrade from the trendy red string tied around the wrist made popular by Madonna a few years back. I noticed several others wearing this bracelet over the weekend, and have heard that they are also being sold to represents Israel solidarity. All of a sudden, my very special bracelet brings up conflicting feelings for me.

The Kabbalah is a significant and influential mystical tradition in Judaism. It is complex and deeply spiritual. Even though I am Jewish, it is not something I know a lot about. What I do know, though, is that a red string on the wrist totally trivializes it. So, even if I did study the Kabbalah, I would not wear a red thread around my wrist. While I don't tell everyone who asks about my bracelet the truth (I just say good luck), I feel funny having an assumption be that it has to do with my advertising my religious/spiritual beliefs. I suppose buying into the "red thread" legend, in some ways, shows some of my spiritual leanings, but it feels more diffuse and a little more private. I wear this bracelet for myself, it feels like some of the red string wearers wear it to make a statement.

I think I will continue to wear my bracelet for the next (gulp) year, but may change my mind as I think about it further.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours....

2007-03-23T21:14:00.000-06:00

Ok, got your attention with the title of this post. Sorry, its just a PG rated meme to share. It's always fun to learn about your cyberpals with these things. So here's me:

1. Can you cook?
I can follow a recipe, I can run the microwave, and I can make reservations. I think that pretty much covers it.
2. What was your dream growing up?
I wanted to be a ballerina and I wanted to marry Sean Cassidy.
3. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I could play the piano.
4. Favorite place?
Salzburg, Austria
5. Favorite vegetable?
Asparagus
6. The last book you read?
The Blue Diary
7. What zodiac sign are you?
Aquarius
8. Any Tattoos and /or Piercings?
No tatoos, but 5 piercings on my left ear (and one on the right)
9. Worst Habit?
Overthinking
10. Do we know each other outside of this blog?
I don't know, do we?
11. What is your favorite sport?
Is shopping a sport?
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
My knee jerk reaction is negative, but very quickly find the silver lining.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Initially, freak out, and then try to figure out a plan.
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Think I will opt out of this one...
15. Tell me a weird fact about you:
I can just think of the smell of spoiled milk and vomit, don't even need to smell it. Also, the smell of bananas in the morning make me sick.
16. Do you have any pets?
Used to have to kitties, Blaze and Electra, but they passed away last May. Now I have Fluffy the betta fish.
17. Do you know how to do the Macarena?
Yup. So, is the hustle in or out?
18. What time is it where you are now?
10:34pm
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
I think clowns are creepy!
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
I wish I was beyond this, but would love to be thinner.
21. What color eyes do you have?
Brown
22. Ever been arrested?
No
23. Bottle or Draft?
Are we counting a bottle of wine?
24. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
I would put $5,000 in savings, give a few thousand to charity, and spend the rest on misc. things I've had on my wish list for a while.
25. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
I have a sugary Bubble Yum ritual when I take road trips. The rest of the time it is Extra sugarless gum
26. Which is your favourite bar to hang at?
Starbucks. Geez, I'm getting old.
27. Do you believe in ghosts?
Not sure. Do believe in the presence of some form of energy or spirit.
28. Favourite thing to do in your spare time?
Either hang out with friends, or chill out with a book by myself.
29. Do you swear a lot?
Only when I'm really mad.
30. What is your favorite swear word?
The F-bomb ranks up there as on of my favorites.
31. Biggest pet peeve?
Entitlement
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Inquisitive

Hurry up and Wait

2007-03-18T19:22:00.000-06:00

I can't believe two years have gone by since I started the adoption process. It was March of 2005 that I was doing all my research and trying to decide which agency to use. It was then that I realized that as a single I would have to be put on a waiting list before really being able to begin the process. I was being told by most agencies that I would most likely have a singles spot for the 2007 dossier year. At the time I didn't know to keep calling agencies until I found an earlier spot, so I got myself on the (2007) list of a few agencies and hoped that I would get picked a year earlier by a large agency who makes their list by lottery at the end of the year. After scurrying to make a decision on an agency with the hopes of getting started asap, I shifted my expectations by about two years. It was hard, but I managed. I mostly managed by looking for a new place to live. Nothing like open houses to absorb your energy and enthusiasm.

In September 2005 I made an offer on a new condo. and put my old one on the market. A stressful time, to say the least. The same week as all of the real estate drama, I found out that I moved up on the waiting list and could have a 2006 singles spot. I could get started whenever I was ready. At the time the wait was 6 months. I totally freaked out and actually asked my agency if I could think about it for a few days before accepting the spot. Things were happening too fast for me, now that I had accepted that my wait would be longer than I thought. Luckily I knocked some sense into myself and only waited a day before calling my agency back to give the green light. I shudder to think I could have passed that opportunity by, especially knowing about the changes China would make beginning 5/1/07.

I started my paperchase in October while I also sat through a home selling/buying roller coaster. Neither process went smoothly, that's for sure! When I was told the range for preparing my dossier would take 3-5 months "depending on how organized I was", I was sure miss obsessive compulsive here would complete it in the 3 month range. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take 7 months to finally be DTC. The poor mailman was probably ready to call the police about my stalking behavior, but trying to get my I171H was nothing short of a comedy of errors. When my dossier was finally complete, my world stopped as I raced to have my final certification and authentication done. After all, the wait times had gone from 6-9 months during my paperchase, I wanted my all my stuff turned in. I had not idea that my agency would sit on my dossier for another 2.5 weeks in order to send it to China with a group. They finally sent it right before the May holiday (when the CCAA was closed for the week), this time only a minor setback.

We all know how the story goes for my LID of 5/9/06. That 9-11 month wait until referral has just about doubled. It's been a hurry up and wait process like no other. The irony to me, though, is that I will probably get my referral around the time I though I would when I thought I would have to wait until the 2007 dossier year to get started with my paperwork. Its been such a ride over the past two years.

I had dinner last night with a single friend just starting the adoption process. She is trying to decide between Vietnam and Guatemala. I tried not to overwhelm her with the "wisdom" I now have two years later. I hear myself being a little more jaded, that's for sure, as I caution her against taking everything the agencies tell her as the gospel and as she calculates when things will unfold if she starts her homestudy next week. I'm still so excited for my own adoption, don't get me wrong, but am also little weary from the ride. I can only hope and imagine the ways this has been preparing me for becoming a parent. My bright-eyed friend will have her own "unique" journey, I imagine.

Ten Months

2007-03-09T16:03:00.000-06:00

Today marks completing month number 10 of waiting. In many ways the time has flown by. When I think about having at least another 10 of these months before becoming a mom, though, it feels like an eternity.

If you are anything like me, you are not so great about going the speed limit much of the time. Having to drive 10 miles an hour, would feel like hardly moving. If forced to do this, for whatever reason, you may just start to pay more attention to the scenery than you would if you were buzzing about at your usual speed. The best way I can think to cope with the wait is to do a better job paying attention to the scenery along the way and really live life fully. I forget to do this a lot of the time these days. It kind of comes and goes (kind of like the sunshine in Chicago).

When I think about the past 10 months, I can identify some wonderful "scenery" and experiences.

Month 1 (May 9 - June 9, 2006): This doesn't sound so "wonderful" but is something I am eternally grateful to have done. Both of my cats died in May, 2006. The first was sudden and the second I found out was dying 4 days before she died. I did kind of a home hospice with her and was able to spend the majority of her last days with her.

Month 2 (June 10 - July 9, 2006): Went to Kauai, Hawaii with a group of 15 friends to celebrate my best friend and his partner's "90th birthday" (one turned 40 and the other 50). It was one of those trips of a lifetime and a great time was had by all.

Month 3 (July 10 - August 9, 2006): Took a road trip tour of Ohio to visit some old friends and attend the wedding of another friend in her hometown.

Month 4 (August 10 - September 9, 2006): Met two women I know I will be friends with for a very long time. They are both single and adopting from Vietnam. Also, enjoyed the last days of summer at a friends pool.

Month 5 (September 10 - October 9, 2006): The beginning of the fall colors. Love all the trees at this time of the year. celebrated the Jewish new year, which is a very meaningful time for me. Gave blood, as a part of an annual tradition instead of fasting for Yom Kippur, and participated in collection of food for folks less fortunate than I.

Month 6 (October 10 - November 9, 2006): Went to Scottsdale and Sedona, AZ with a good friend. Overlapped by a weekend with my folks, who were vacationing in Phoenix, so were able to visit with them, too. AND, had my first ALT blind date with Lisa B at the airport while she was en route back home and I was on my way out of town.

Month 7 (November 10 - December 9, 2006): An amazing Blind date of 9 when the ALTs took Chicago. Went to my 20 year High School reunion. Now that I've scratched that itch, I never need to do that again.

Month 8 (December 10 - January 9, 2007): Visiting MI and spending time with my 4 year old niece "J". She is an incredible kid and I love to be with her. Also, spent some time with my 95 year old grandmother.

Month 9 (January 10 - February 9, 2007): My birthday.... my month of celebrating with friends begins, my fish "Fluffy", and a new car.

Month 10 (February 10 - March 9, 2007): Lot's of long dinners with good friends to continue celebrating me, visit with my dad and brother while they were in town for work, and took note of the 2 year anniversary of my epiphany moment when I decided to adopt and put things in motion.

More adventures and scenery on the way........

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Music

2007-03-06T19:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was driving home from work in my post referral funk. I was playing DJ with my CDs in the car torn between cheer me up kinds of songs, or those more reflective of my melancholy mood. Listening to some of the lyrics, I made note that I wanted to go home and look up a few on the internet. A song popped into my head that I wanted to add to the list. My brain's reminding me of this song felt important for some reason. When I got home and sat down in front of the computer I couldn't remember the title of this particular song, the singer, or even most of the words. It was a true senior moment at 39. I plugged in variations of what I thought it was, but didn't get what I was looking for. I gave up and stepped away from the computer. I sat on the couch and started flipping through the pages of a Coldwater Creek catalog. On the third page I just happened to look at one of the descriptions of a particular piece of clothing. I guess they were naming the items after songs on that page. Low and behold there was the song I had been thinking of - "Both Sides Now". I couldn't believe it. What are the chances of these two things happening within 10 minutes of one another?

I went back to my computer and plugged in this Joni Mitchell song. The lyrics are in fact powerful. I know we often project the meaning we want/need to see in music. For me these lyrics fit the loss of innocence (I know there is a better word, but can't find it right now) I am feeling with this adoption process. I don't mean it in a bad way, but just have much more clarity and acceptance of the sadness I feel that things haven't gone quite as planned. I found some peace in these word and a glimmer of acceptance in this process that is so out of my control.

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fair tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something lost, but something gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Back in the day

2007-03-03T18:55:00.000-06:00

TO ALL THE KIDS
WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods,no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . .CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

**** I guess this e-mail has been making the rounds, as I just discovered this same thin on Little Maple's Blog. Off to go make a fort with blankets.

Party in the hallway

2007-02-26T21:10:00.000-06:00

The intense longing and sadness has passed for the moment. It seems to come in waves. It never really goes away, but hangs our in the corner until the next trigger. Am still looking through the window of the mom's room wanting to go in, but what I see today is what good company I am in while I wait in that hallway.
As I take a look around me, I see a group of amazing women. Since beginning this process I have had the pleasure to meet (online and in person) many intelligent, witty, and courageous women. I have been moved by the raw sharing of authentic emotion and have laughed so hard I have almost peed my pants. The learning through shared experiences and knowledge has helped me grow in ways I wouldn't have expected. When I began this journey my focus was only on becoming a mom. It has been an incredable surprise to have also gained many connections with whom I can now call my friends.

Thanks for joining me at the party in the hallway.

Longing

2007-02-22T10:52:00.000-06:00

I long to be a mom. Some days that ache is just so strong. The past few days I have felt the heaviness of that longing in my chest as I make my way through my usual routine. Yesterday I had 3 pregnant clients in a row. They are all due in the next few months. The same time I thought I would be coming home with my daughter. It is so painful to sit there with them as they talk about both their fears and excitement over becoming a mom. I so want to be there, too! Instead, my job is to focus on them and help guide them through this transition. I work hard to compartmentalize while at work. But, being present with these women while experiencing this longing is sometimes difficult.

I have been a part of a single adoptive moms-to-be support group for the past year. I have been the front runner in the process and am the only one adopting from China. There was one woman a few months behind me in the paperwork process, and the rest were 9-10 months behind me in starting their homestudys. Well, the woman 2 months behind me just brought her daughter home from Guatemala. At the last meeting it became clear that all of these women (adopting from both Guatemala and Vietnam) would be home with their babies before I will get my referral. That realization really stings. I envision being the only one left meeting with the SW at this time next year. Or worse, I'll be there as the next batch of people are starting out. I decided to take a break from that group. Just too painful to have this longing and watch, what seems like, everyone else pass me by. Luckily my new friends in the China adoption community know all to well how this feels. I remember that so I don't feel so alone.

I feel like I have been walking out the door of my single life for the past 2 years. Now I stand in the hallway looking through the window of the moms room. I so badly want to have the chance to walk into that next room, but must wait here in the hallway a bit longer. I know it will be so worth the wait. Months ago I made a CD of music that I will eventually pair with pictures for a keepsake. On days like today I listen to that music to feel a connection to my daughter. I'm not sure why it helps, but it does.

Year of the pig

2007-02-18T18:56:00.000-06:00

Happy Chinese New Year! It's my turn to bring snacks to my Women's Spirituality Group meeting on Tuesday. I decided I wanted to do something to celebrate the NY and the year of the pig. I get inspired to be creative as I read blogs and drool over the pictures of the creations many of my blogging buddies produce with their very own hands. I unfortunately, was not blessed with the ability to execute the creative ideas in my head, but certainly have fun trying. Tonight I decided to make cookies that looked like pigs. I'm cracking myself up with my finished product, and had to share. Not ready for Martha Stewart, but they do resemble pigs, so they are good enough to share.

The Spirituality group I attend is through my temple. The group is comprised of 8 women who gather once a month to discuss our curiosity, experiences and beliefs about spirituality and religion. It is a safe place to explore and discuss our own individual questions about the existence of God. A significant portion of our congregation are interfaith families. Because of this, our group has several members who are not raised Jewish. This diversity adds to the richness of our conversations. Tuesdays theme is going to be "Acts of Loving-Kindness". I'm looking forward to it.

Picture

2007-02-14T19:14:00.000-06:00

I went to Arizona in October for my 2nd "last vacation" before the baby is here. I suspect I will most likely have at least a 3rd and maybe a 4th more "last" vacations before the wait is finally over, but I guess these are vacations we are talking about, so I shouldn't complain too much. Anyway, back to Arizona.....

During one of our excursions to Sedona I did a little shopping. No big surprise, as I really do enjoy my shopping. Especially if the shops are unusual or arty in anyway. Visited a gallery in Sedona by an artist named Andrea Smith. I was familiar with some of her work, as my parents were friendly with her when I was a kid, and I had stumbled into one of her galleries in Hawaii several years ago. The each had a very different feel and reflected the native cultures of the two geographic areas. When I went to the back of the AZ gallery, I discovered some of the other themes of her work. Several pieces spoke to me very much, but unfortunately, my wallet and my soul were not very in sync. Purchased a set of boxed cards as a compromise. The woman working in the gallery asked me if I would like one of the 2006 calendars, as they were no longer able to sell them. I of course accepted; who doesn't like free stuff.

Later, when I looked through the calendar I found a picture I LOVED and envisioned hanging in my home someday. When I returned home, and researched it a bit more, I discovered that this picture, called "Mother Nurture" was selling to the tune of $12,000. Didn't see an option for a less expensive print. Thought about the picture for a while, and decided to do the poor girls version of art - take the picture out of the calendar and have it framed. I decided to frame it for the baby's room. Just picked it up and wanted to share it, as I am very happy with it.
Can't wait to hang it.

Good Fortune

2007-02-12T20:48:00.000-06:00

I had a GREAT fortune cookie over the weekend. It said "Your dearest wish will finally come true." I'm guessing that my "dearest wish" is shared by many of us "waiting" parents. I just wish Confucius would have mentioned a time frame with that fortune. I probably shouldn't push my luck, though, as this may be as good as it gets for a while.

As some may remember, I started a gratitude journal around Thanksgiving. My intention was to do a "daily dozen" where I listed 12 things each day for which I was feeling grateful. Daily was kind of pushing it for me, so it has turned into a "weekly dozen" instead. Some weeks it is easy to find things and others I have to stretch to include a good sale on Diet Coke or a good episodes of my favorite TV shows. What I have noticed since starting this is that it really helps my attitude when I am feeling down. While I am sad that it is taking so damn long for my "dearest wish" to come true, I have to remember that I have SOOOOO much to be grateful for. It is so easy for me to take my warm home for granted as I complain about the cold, or overlooking the many supportive friends I have when I fixate on the one who let me down. In reality I know I am truly blessed in so many ways. Sometimes it takes getting quiet enough to pay attention to all the have's rather than the have nots.

Nine Months

2007-02-09T22:55:00.000-06:00

Today marks month number nine of waiting - the month that, at some point, I thought I would get my referral. Boy, have things changed! I'm watching several women who got pregnant around the time I became paper pregnant start to have contractions and begin making their final preparations for their journey into motherhood. The pangs of envy are pretty tough, I must admit. I know my turn WILL come at some point, but it continues to feel like a game I am playing with myself rather than a truth. While reading another blog I discovered that my wait to become a mom will probably resemble the gestation of a elephant(generally around 22 months), rather than the more traditional human wait I had hoped for. Not only is this not so great on the morale, it's also not the best on the body image.

To cheer myself up today I decided on and picked up my new car. I appreciate all the feedback I received as I was trying to make this choice. I decided to go with the VW jetta in the end. It will be my 3rd leased Jetta. Have had really good luck with them so far, and was offered a really good deal. I really like it a lot. Now just can't wait to put a car seat in the back.

One last thing before wrapping it up today.... How do folks get all those cute numbers they post on their blogs at each month marker? Had no clue, so I took a picture of my valentine m&m's for my number nine. Cute this time, but will get old by the time I give birth to my elephant baby.

Birthday Girl

2007-02-06T22:06:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I will be 39, I can hardly believe it. The number seems old, but I certainly don't feel old. Am determined to have a good birthday this year, as the last few birthdays have not been so great. My 37th birthday was a hard one, as I was just on the cusp of deciding to adopt. I had been feeling so sorry for myself that life was not going how I wanted it to, as I so badly wanted to be married and be a mom. It was only a few weeks after that birthday that I finally found clarity when I decided to take charge of my dreams and adopt on my own. So that rocky birthday lead me to somewhere wonderful. Last year was kind of the same. Not only was I stalking the mailman waiting for my I171H, but on my birthday I was also in the middle of negotiations with the eventual buyer of my last condo. She was EXTREMELY difficult to deal with and the day was filled with drama galore. I was already the proud owner of TWO condos (ouch), and just wanted the ordeal to be over. Of course she stretched it out for another two days before I was able to feel the relief of the sale. Thank goodness that is all behind me.

So this year I have some fun celebrations planned with friends. One of the gatherings will be with two girlfriends who also will turn 39 in the month of February. We decided we needed to do something special to commemorate the last year of our 30's. After much brainstorming, we decided to each come up with a list of 40 things we would like to accomplish before we turn 40. Since I am assuming I will finally become a mom around my 40th birthday (#1 on my list, by the way)I decided that I would celebrate turning 40 all year long starting tomorrow.

My list has about 20 items on it so far. Didn't want it to turn into a NY resolution type list, so am really taking my time and figuring it out. What I am discovering is that my list isn't really all that exciting as I have no desire to bungee jump or learn to snowboard. I am in such a nesting mode that most things really center around my home and sense of community (e.g. have a dinner party to break in new dining room set, replace all socks and underwear with holes, buy a piece of art, and to share a meal with 40 friends or colleagues). What I have also discovered is how much I have changed over the past decade. I will have a hard time coming up with the next 20 things because I am finding that I am more comfortable with myself and more accepting of who I really am, vs who I thought I wanted to be. Years ago I would have figured out all the traits I disliked about myself and somehow set out to change them all. Thank goodness for that shift! I suspect 40s will bring much more inner peace. At least I hope so.

Introducing Fluffy

2007-01-28T19:44:00.000-06:00

Last Spring my two beloved cats, Electra and Blaze, both died within a week of one another. I now find myself living alone for the first time in my adult (out of college and grad. school) life. I miss my kitties terribly. Some days I still look for them when I walk in from work at the end of the day. Initially, it was too painful to consider getting another cat(s). As time went by, and the fresh wounds started to scab over a bit, I started to really crave having a pet again. In my gut, though, I knew the timing just wasn't right. Even though the adoption timeline keeps stretching out further into the future, I think life will be better for me to not have to worry about how the baby and kitty will get along, what to do if she is allergic, or if I would neglect a kitty during the transition. My fantasy has been to go to the local shelter with my daughter, someday, and pick out our pet together. I know this is right for now.

The craving for a pet just hasn't gone away. Last week I found myself wanting to go over the shelter to "just look". Who was I fooling.... I knew that if I went, I would come home with one. So, I went to the pet store instead. Looked at the birds, the rabbits, mice and a few other misc. furry things, and then walked the to back of the store and discovered the fish. I thought, that's it, I'll get a goldfish! I looked at some really pretty one's from China. Being aware that goldfish generally don't live that long, my dark and twisted brain started to wonder which would happen first- my referral from China or the death of this fish. Ugh, probably not the best mindset to have if I wanted to move forward with this. So, I decided to walk away and think about it.

A few days later I was at my friend G's house and out of the blue he said "I think you should get a fish." Since I hadn't told him about my whole pet store outing, I thought it was a strange thing for him to just say. Turns out, he had a beautiful bowl/vase that he had no use for and thought it would make a good fish bowl. I re-thought the whole fish thing and decided to go for it. But, instead of a goldfish, I would get a Betta fish, since they typically live a bit longer and are so beautiful. On Friday I went and purchased a beautiful fish whom I decided to call "Fluffy". Not quite a cat, but as good as it gets for now. And here he is for you to enjoy:

When I sent my mom the picture of her new grandson, I got a VM from her laughing hysterically. She said that I was the only one (other than maybe her) who would get a fish that matched my house. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

Funeral Processions

2007-01-24T20:59:00.000-06:00

I was talking with someone today who was telling me a story of seeing a funeral procession while driving. She said, "you know how rare it is to see this, kind of like finding a four leaf clover." I asked if she thought it was some kind of good luck (as would be finding a four leaf clover) and she looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I am.....

For a long time I have seen funeral processions with great regularly. I noticed them on different days of the week, times of day, and parts of town. If it wasn't a funeral, it was a hearse at the gas station, or a little pink "funeral" magnet in the bank parking lot. It happened so much I started to keep track. For months I was seeing 1-2 a week, and then one day it just stopped. It stopped for about 6 months and then started up again. I really wondered if the universe (or my unconscious) was sending me some kind of message. I wondered if it meant I (or someone close) would die soon, or if it was a sign to remember to live life to the fullest. I just wasn't sure.

I met with an intuitive at some point during all of this. I had waited for over a year for the appointment to see her. During that year I reminded myself to ask her for her take on this funeral thing. Of course the day of the appointment came and I totally forgot to ask. When I pulled out of her parking lot after our meeting I had to wait because, you guessed it, a funeral procession was going by. To me this was a sign that I needed to find some meaning in this. I called the intuitive when I got home to ask her what she made of this. Her comment was that it had nothing to do with my health, but was a marker of life transition. She advised me to take a moment and say a little prayer when I saw this, both for the soul who had died and for the transition in my own life. The transition thing struck something within me, as I realized that my beginning to notice these funeral processions started around the time I decided to adopt.

I have recently started seeing funeral processions with greater frequency again - 4 in the past 3 weeks. I have no idea if there is any sign here for me (like ladybugs for others lol) but have started to use this as a moment to surrender and find peace in that, while I can't see anything happening, my transition to motherhood is in the works. I know random people dying has nothing to do with me, but for some twisted reason, seeing these funerals now bring me peace, because they have become my marker of hope. So, as I said earlier, maybe I am crazy. But it works for me.

Tag, I'm it

2007-01-18T21:43:00.000-06:00

My buddy at Project Ni Hao has tagged me for a turn at the latest game. The directions were simple and pretty fun.
1) Find the nearest book
2) Open to page 123
3) Type lines 6-8 of said book
4) Tag three others

I debated cheating and finding a book I'd rather use, but since my "mentor" used an accounting book, I figured I would follow directions and find the closest book.

Book: "God Whispers: Storied of the soul, lessons of the heart"

Page 123, lines 6-8 : "Good morning, God" "Thank you for thy abundant blessings" "Give me strength, power, and gently kiss my fears"

I find it ironic that these would be the lines /words I would have to use today, after a full days discussions about religion and religious expression both online and at work. This little prayer out of context seems odd to be typed by my hands. It's actually a wonderful book about spirituality in a larger sense than just religion, even though it is written through the lense of Judaism.

Now my turn to tag. I pick Moonbeam, Confucius Says, and Ms. Froggkisser

New Rules Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2007-01-16T22:53:00.000-06:00

I don't know if anyone else has had this problem, or if it is just me, but I think I am suffering from a bit of PTSD in response to the new rules. Since the famous December 8th meeting, I have had the stomach flu and a respiratory infection. Both have given me a chance to overanalyze symptoms, and wonder what would happen if it wasn't really the flu.... What if China finds out? I had my annual OB/GYN visit today, and have been stressed for the past few weeks that she would find something wrong with me. Of course, it hadn't occurred to me to worry that something could ACTUALLY BE WRONG with me, but rather how could it effect the adoption. Between knowing that I will have to do a homestudy update and have my medical info reviewed again (even though not to the same degree) and knowing that I haven't yet gone through the review room, leaves too much room for my overactive imagination to wonder. I even managed to stress about the bit of weight I gained this year (oops)even though I my BMI continues to be ok. The best part of showing up to the appointment today was having the nurse say "sure" when I jokingly asked if I could skip getting on the scale. The rest of the exam went just as easily (minus the 5 pregnant women in the waiting room.) Now just wait two weeks, get lab results, and (hopefully)find some new thing to worry about.

I feel very grateful to already be logged in to the CCAA, since as a single I would no longer be eligible come this spring. With that said, I know I am a bit more uneasy than before the "new rules". I have always known that anything could happen and the adoption could not work out, but somehow still felt a sense of trust and peace about this process. Now there are too many unknowns out there about the implementation of the new rules. Too much room for interpretation and a lot more leaps of faith needing to be made. I suspect it will all be more clear in the upcoming months as we head towards that May 1st date. Until then, I may just continue to have irrational reactions to certain things.

I've been tagged

2007-01-10T08:06:00.000-06:00

How fun, my first tag game and I am it....
A - available or taken: Available. Do you know anyone???
B- best friend: Greg for almost 18 years
C- cake or pie: How abuot frosting from the cake.
D- drink of choice: Diet Coke all the way.
E-essential item you use everyday: Computer to check the RQ
F-favorite color: Purple
G-gummy bears or worms: Do I have to pick? How about Sweadish Fish?
H-hometown: Farmington Hills, MI
I-indulgence: Sushi with regularity
J-January or February: February, the month of my birth.
K-kid's names: I have referred to my daughter to be as Mei Ling since the idea of adopting first entered my brain.
L-life incomplete without: without the chance to be a mom.
M-marriage date: October ?, 2010
N-number of siblings: 1 younger brother who I used to dress up and pretend was a sister.
O-oranges or apples: Apple, less messy.
P-phobias or fears: flying (even though I do it anyway) and spiders.
Q-favorite quote: I'll get back to you on this one.
R-reason to smile: So many to list... walking out to my car in a neighborhood I love, the sun when it peeks out, wonderful family and friends, playing with my 4 year old neice.
S-season: Fall
T-tag 4 people: New Girl, Melissa O, C1, and Dee
U-unknown fact about me: If Lisa B can eat her french fries in pairs, I can say that I eat my M&M's by color and one at a time.
V-veggie I don't like: Green Beans
W-worst habit: Me, I'm perfect, no bad habits here. Just kidding. Probably worrying to much and planning for the worst so I am always prepared. Especially when the noise in my head starts to bother others.
X-xrays: X-ray and MRI for my neck after being rear ended by a guy going very fast a few years ago.
Y-your favorite food: Sushi and choc. chip cookies
Z-zodiac: Aquarius

8 Months

2007-01-09T22:37:00.000-06:00

Today marks the 8 month anniversary of my LID. It's hard to know what that means, really, with wait times continuing to increase. Every month I seem to stay at the half way mark for the current wait (which is about 16 months right now). It would be great to finally REALLY be half way there, but I suspect that might not happen for a while. When I started my paperwork the wait was 6-7 months and by the time I was DTC the wait was 9- 10 months, with my agency telling me to plan for the wost at about a year wait fromo DTC to referral. At the time, a year seemed crazy long, and now..... Kind of like when I thought I was fat 20 lbs ago and now would be thrilled to be at that weight.

Four months ago I first talked with my downstairs neigbors (G&K) about doing a Nanny Share, as they were expecting their first baby in early January. It seemed like perfect timing as G was planning on taking 3 months off of work and they were willing to wing it for a few months until I was home with my daughter and ready to go back to work. G&K had their baby a month early and I am going to be at least a year late, so I have been worried that this arrangement will no longer work out. Tonight we had a great discussion, and I am feeling much better. G&K have arranged a fee with our Nanny that works for them until I come on board. They know it will be at least a year, and are ok with this. I have been really stressing about this, as it all seemed to be too good to be true. As a single mom who is self employed with strange hours, day care was the most feasible financially, but not with my schedule. This option will save me about $500 a month and will provide a better transition for both of us. It is so surreal to be dealing with this now, as it seems like I will never REALLY have child. I feel like I am making all these arrangements for a child who is only a figment of my immagination. At least when that fantasy child appears, I will have a child care plan that seems like a good fit. Or at least I hope will be.

good news, bad news and a bout of insomnia

2007-01-05T00:57:00.000-06:00

Can't sleep tonight for some unknown reason. Random thoughts from the week are racing around my head. Nothing of particular interest until, for some reason, I got locked onto this topic. I had a number of clients come in this week wanting to share both good and bad news with me. What was initially interesting to me was which they decided to share first. My experience with those who chose the "good" first was that they were saving the majority of their therapy time to discuss/process the bad so they covered the positive first. For me, though, it was hard to fully celebrate the good stuff knowing something deemed "bad" was right around the corner. And with those sharing the "bad" first, I realized the great discomfort in sitting with the bad/uncomfortable stuff, therefore quickly wanting to move onto the good stuff and end on a positive note. It made me wonder if this order makes a statement about the individual person - would the order always be the same for each person, or if it was specific to the nature of the content being shared. Made me wonder about my typical M.O. To me it really speaks to the challenge of holding onto to opposing sets of feelings at the same time. This is something I have struggled with a lot during this adoption process, so far. I feel excited yet terrified about becoming a mom. Depressed about the slow down in referrals, yet relieved I have time to save more money. Thrilled to join a new stage of life, yet sad about changes/losses in friendships as they have been. Some days it seems like feeling one somehow invalidates the other. I have to remind myself that both can be true and can co-exist. So, in the end, does the good or bad news first really matter, or is it more a matter of how to make room for both? For me, this weeks good news and bad news happened to be one of the same - the CCAA referred through September 27, 2005. The pace certainly isn't speeding up, but at least I'm a little closer to my turn.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-01T19:37:00.001-06:00

Today seemed like a great day to finally start my blog. Afterall, it is the first day of the new year, so starting it out meeting a personal goal seemed to to be the right way to go. As some of you know, I have totally resisted doing the blog thing. Didn't feel like I had much to say and didn't feel I could keep up with so many of you funny and creative people out there. But after months of reading other's blogs (and a little peer pressure from some of the great ALTs) I have decided that I want to fully be a part of the waiting group. The public sharing of personal things does weird me out a bit, but am seeing there are ways to work around that. So why did I pick "Deep Tangents" as my blog name???? Do you remember "Deep Thoughts" from SNL in the early 90's? Well, this is my version. Aren't blogs a place to rant, pontificate, and share you life experiences and views? The noise in my head, of late, has been more of a stream of consciousness, than anything clear and profound. My tangents usually make sense to me, and I just hope they will to you, too.
I am usually someone who likes to set yearly goals (read GOALS and not resolutions) at this time of the year, but this year my only real one is to try to surrender control of those things outside of my control. Whether I will become a mother or not before I turn 40 (Feb., 2008) is out of my hands. I think I would be so much happier if I could just accept that. So glad you don't need to be in AA to use the serenity prayer. It's a keeper!